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trying to believe

Posted by floatingbridge on April 17, 2011, at 19:10:05

I raise birds. I also garden a bit. I eat various life forms.

Sometimes, in nature we are told, the weaker ones are culled from the flock. They are ill, weak, genetically abnormal.

We are animals. Yet we reserve a different status for ourselves, that we are worth saving. Are we greater than our failings?

How can that be true?

How can humans hold what seems to me
a contradiction?

I wish I could experience a deeper connection to life; at least I think I do.

When I connect to a deeper sense of self, I sense anger, greed, fear, and a who gives a sh*t attitude. I am incredibly
critical and pessimistic. I bring people around me down. Sometimes, I want to
run away from being a parent.

All of these things are not very nice or pleasant.

I don't know that there is anything deeper than that.

Seeing my rooster with it's head cut off, and his legs still kicking. (A friend slaughtered him. He had become aggressive and attacked everyone in my family.) Is that the deeper meaning? The body drive to cling to life? The human drive towards harmony and beauty?

Is that the seed? The desire for love and harmony and beauty. For justice?

And then the weaknesses.

Once I was walking beneath an underpass. I noticed on the sidewalk broken, trodden egg shells. I looked up and saw colonies of nesting pigeons, themselves unwanted by many in the suburban cityscape. Their eggs just spilled and fell. I was sick for weeks.

That was almost 10 years ago. I still remember.

*a rose by any name




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