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Re: Having trouble meditating *suicide trigger* rayww

Posted by llrrrpp on June 28, 2006, at 20:39:51

In reply to Re: Having trouble meditating- Buddhist guilt llrrrpp, posted by rayww on June 24, 2006, at 11:22:01

Hi Rayww,
nice to meet you :)

I needed some time to digest your remarks. I still haven't made it to your website. I'm going to try not to feel too guilty about it. Had a lot of other stuff to read lately. It doesn't take much to make me feel guilty.

You know, the last time I meditated, I was fearful. Fearful because it was me and my mind and soul. No other distractions, besides my body, which is just kind of humming along. And me and myself have become strangers lately, haven't really had time/courage to check in and say- how are you? How's our body treating us lately? How is our mind-body connection? Awareness? How does our breathing affect our emotions? How does our environment affect our body and our emotions. All these questions I used to be able to answer.

So confusing now. I have been exploring a lot of my psychological misconceptions lately with help from my psychologist. So, now I realize things like: I have a lot of pent-up anger. I have a lot of uncontrolled anxiety. All these things are suddenly being released, like a pack of confused wild animals. And I'm not sure how to get my mind to the quiet peace. I used to be able to achieve the peace and emptiness for 10 breaths in a row. Keeping my body still and my mind (mostly!) focused for 15-30 minutes was a challenge, but now it seems like a herculean feat. I am terrified of my own heart. Especially since I have been suicidal in the recent past. What if? What if I can get into a deep dark scary place and not find my way out. I am perfectly capable of finding my depression in about 20 minutes nowadays.

Well. Just a few thoughts. I think it takes a strong mind and strong heart to commit to a regular meditation practice. I should try, maybe for 5 minutes at a time. Maybe I'll even start with 2 minutes and work up from there.

yours,
-ll


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