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Re: It's sad that there are not many posts rayww

Posted by CEK on June 13, 2006, at 9:37:10

In reply to Re: It's sad that there are not many posts here. CEK, posted by rayww on June 13, 2006, at 2:03:05

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I once had a very strong relationship to God and He has answered many prayers for me. To the degree of spoiling me at times. When things in my life began to get the best of me and my depression got worse and then I started getting manic episodes and worse mood swings, I seemed to have lost Him. He didn't lose me, I lost Him. I was one of those people that got caught up in Satans spells. I felt like I could not turn to God,I felt like I was not worthy of asking Him to grant anymore of my prayers. And why not? This has been the worst time of my life, the time when I've needed Him the most and yet I would not turn to Him. He has sent me all kinds of signs to turn to Him. Any thought of Him, church songs,ect made me cry. That told me something. My meds not working for so long I felt was His will also. He was trying everything He could to make me wake up and come to Him. I was putting my trust and faith in people, not Him. Our financil situation had gotten worse than it has ever been because of my illness and this was one area that the Lord has been very gracious to me. It has come down to selling our possesions to try to pay the bills. I guess I've been waiting for Him to hit me over the head with something to make me see that I need Him. Some people call of my situations the devil working his job on me. Maybe so, but I beleive it is my wake up call from the Lord. He has given me everything, and He can take it all away. For 8 years I've worked in a factory and have been raising 3 children and have been fighting with myself as to what my purpose in life is. The last couple of years, I've been miserable in the factory, knowing there is something else that I should be doing with my life. I could feel it deep in my heart like I do when I pray. I hated not being home with my children and having to pay babysitters to raise them for me. I didn't and still don't know if my purpose is needed at home with my children or in another line of work helping people. I didn't ask God what His purpose was for me and didn't ask His help in this situation. I tried to find it in myself which of course is a dead end. There is a woman that posts on psycho babble that goes by the name Heaven Help Me, that had posted how she beleives that only through God her illness has been helped. She is wonderful, and with her help and kind words of encouragement, she has broken through my stubborn head to once again seek the Lord. She I beleive was sent to babble to help me and others by the Lord. She has been a blessing in my life. I know she will be rewarded for her efforts. I have finally, for the last week turned to Him with everything in my heart. I know He has a purpose for me in my life and did not put me on this earth to be miserable. Yet miserable is all I am without Him. For the first time in a long while I can feel the emptiness inside me going away. I can feel Him in me. My anxiety already is getting better knowing that what will be, will be of His will. I don't ever want to be seperated from Him again. I don't just want to be asking for His help and never giving anything back to Him. I want to do His duty and live the life through HIm that He wants me to live. Several times I've wanted to kill myself. It was like someone was speaking into my ear that it was the only way out of all of this. I have even made plans to do it, yet He has kept me alive. I know He has a purpose for me and He's not going to let me out of this that easy. I know the deep dark depression and suicidal thoughts are the devil. He is afraid of my potential to work through God. I've asked the Lord to help me fight the devil off of me, to help me be strong. I can already feel the Lord with His hand on me. I'm sorry this is so long. I just felt like I needed to tell someone that can relate to what I am feeling by Him once again in my life. My God bless you. Thank you for posting, Love, CEK




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