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Re: Asking for prayers again (still) Jon90211

Posted by Spector on March 8, 2006, at 22:03:26

In reply to Re: Asking for prayers again (still), posted by Jon90211 on March 8, 2006, at 14:28:24

Dear Jon, thank you so much for these words. Thank you so so much.

Since last posting here, I have tested positive for Lyme disease. This is very good news as it potentially explains why NO treatment has helped me, not even the passage of three years four months and 8 days. The idea is that while underlying Lyme disease did not cause my depression -- no, that would be the AMPHETIMINE I was inexcusably given -- it may well be perpetuating it, keeping me in this nearly unsurvivable state for an off-the-charts amount of time.

I have started a long course of heavy duty antibiotics as treatment.

I still have my intellect, so I know that this is hopeful. But my brain is so utterly overtaken with terror and despair and exhaustion that I am virtually unable to feel this hope. I am simply frantic with the panic that this will again again again not be it, that this will just be more torture leading nowhere, that I will be left (unimaginably) even more ravaged, more terrorized, more cut off than ever from anything we call life, and still unable to die, still trapped in a literal Hell on Earth unable to live, unable to die.

I know these are grim words. But maybe you will understand that the hope of a new treatment mixed with the terror of another possible devastation is nearly unbearable.

I try my very hardest to trust God, to know that He is with me. But Jon, I cannot feel Him. I still believe He is there, but I cannot feel Him. I cannot feel Him as hard as I try, as much as I ask.

Jon, thank you so much for your prayers. I cannot tell you what they mean to me. I need them more than ever at this moment.

I hope so much to soon be able to tell you that it is over, that I have been delivered from this.

With love,

Nomi


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poster:Spector thread:593667
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20051105/msgs/617795.html