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life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!

Posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49

I don’t understand a lot of things….. I am sad and lonely and depressed and suicidal thought oriented, but I don’t want to die I just want peace…. I have drank , gambled and pissed away as much money as a lot of people make in a lifetime… I am a guy that hurts and don’t understand all the reasons that I M HURT and feel in-significant, worthless, void and angry, but goddamn it I hurt And I feel like self destructing,, valium and klonopin and tri-leptal and ever other mother f*cking goddamn drug I have been given and or prescribed should certainly do the f*cking trick….. What if I fail and end up living as a f*cking vegetable and a burden to a hospital staff or my family or anybody that would happen to give a f*ck about me> I am sorry ….yes there are undertones of self loathing and some self pity here …but I just do not know after everyone has told me that Jesus is the answer… I don’t fully get it… what the f*ck is he doing in my life other than allowing me to be “forgiven” for the f*cking sins that I have committed against his Father … Our God who sent himself in his form of us…the image of man to forgive us for our sins against him … the same dude that created us and I did not even ask to be f*cking created……. I am supposed to worship him and believe that there is a hope AND a future for my life when all I have seen for half or more of my life is loneliness, agony, addiction, strife, rage, dis-appointment,rejection, mental fuckededness, addictions, temptations, and all the other f*cking b*llshit that goes along w/living this god-damn f*cking miserable life of depression, severe anxiety, loneliness ,emptiness weather I try to him or god or ask and claim my healing. In Jesus’ name… I am sick of living the hope the dream the victory that the bible he promises he claims in the Bible. A hope for the future … one of good things and not bad…. If I had the guts and a gun and it would not F*CK up the people who love me and my friends lives to the point of their own demise of ultimate suicide…etc. I would do it but all I know that this life is b*llshit and I wish god would show me, heal me or kill me…GOD-DAMN IT I DID NOT ASK TO BE F*CKING BORN INTO THIS F*CKING LIFE…………… At a time in my early years, I used to or at least thought I used to love this life… I have experienced soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much rejection and dis-appointment that I just don’t give a mother f*cking sh*t any more … but yet I go on and hope and pray and take action that If I believe right and trust and surrender it all to Jesus and God that I will find true healing .. Right now…. I am sorry but I feel like it is one big GOD_Damn joke and experiment on His behalf…. What I am supposed to do. I do not write this to be blasphemous or otherwise but if I can’t write and experience and say what I feel and think to a God who is and has been and always will, be and he can or cant handle it… then f*ck him.. Sorry I was f*cked from the f*cking beginning. If I did know better (?) I would down all the god-damn meds and the fith of scotch I have and say good bye …but for some f*cked up reason I still feel like this life is worth living and re-pairing …but My god it is agony and f*cking hard…
This it for now!
Clint Carle




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