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Re: Actually, that sort of makes me think (long) Dinah

Posted by rayww on April 1, 2005, at 10:10:40

In reply to Actually, that sort of makes me think, posted by Dinah on April 1, 2005, at 1:26:20

> I realized that the hardest things for me to hand over to God are those things that I really have no control over to begin with. Kind of ironic when I think about it.

Dinah that is amazing! We would rather carry the whole weight on our own shoulders than trust it with God.

I have carried one such weight since the death of my father. Rather than trust my emotions to the people I love (and could lose), I direct them to projects and writing and things that bridge over my real relationships. I make emotional connections to people through projects, and when the projects are done, what's left of the relationship? I always have to have a project. Get the picture?

Fortunately I have a wonderful loyal, stable husband who has never lost hope or faith in me. I have a lot of love in me that has to be released on something, so (this feels like true confessions) I can feel love for God, love for scriptures, love for my own writing. I can go to bed and put on headphones and feel all the love I need as I drift off to sleep. After so long he gets roaring mad and then I start blaming his pressure on my withdrawl. Hello Jesus. Then I have this dream, and the realization hits, and then I write about it on PB Writing, and then totally give up because I believe I have a DEAD block that will never go away.

While all this is happening, I am also learning that I can actually use my own faith to make things happen if that faith is strong enough. Scriptures are unfolding to me that verify this thought and I am experimenting with it a bit.

I love the way scriptures "unfold" to us as we need them. One way I use scripture (words of God), is when I need direction I let them fall open and pick out the first verse that hits me, and then I come up with my own interpretation that meets my needs for the moment.

One month I get a wonderful one, the next month a not-so-wonderful one, and then last week after I had given up on ever breaking through the DEAD block, this one fell open. 1Ne 7:17: "But it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee, wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren; yea, even give me strength that I may burst these bands with which I am bound."

So, I used my own faith as I prayed to God and fasted, and bing, it's gone. Just like that, it is gone! How do I know it is gone? So far there have been four distinct signs. 1. I was able to write a brief life history and keep it postiive. 2. I was able to channel emotion directly to my husband and family. 3. I have been able to focus on our family business as a priority. 4. I lost something very important to the company (a computer file) and realized it had been least important to me compared to a ton of other stuff I must have considered way more important than it was. 5. I am going to redo the whole file as a symbolic reminder to myself of what is truly important in life.

I've gone on a bit here and shared some personal stuff, so if this is up on someone's projector being scoffed at by some stupid University class, remember, I used to be stupid like you.




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