Psycho-Babble Faith | about religious faith | Framed
This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | List of forums | Search | FAQ

Struggling to feel worthy of God's love

Posted by Chris O on January 31, 2005, at 19:52:36

I have been trying to connect/reconnect with God for the past year. I feel like connecting with God is key to healing my OCD/GAD and depression. I have been using the Bible/Christianity as a means to doing this, making the connection. It is hard for me to approach God thru Christianity, as I have so much fear/anxiety /feelings of unworthiness inside of me already, and I find some of the passages and teachings in the Bible to be very harsh and frightening. In addition, I struggle greatly with the way Christianity was framed for me through my family, in a very fear-based, shame-based way.

Nevertheless, I have faith, I think, somewhere inside of me, that approaching God thru Christ is the way to salvation, and I am just... trying to connect to the living, the real God. Anyway, I have a couple of issues plaguing me: First, matter what I, how I cognitively approach God through the Bible, I feel inadequate. A lot of times, when I read the Bible, it moves me toward a place of panic. This is especially true when I read something prescriptive, say, from the New Testament, that I am not supposed to feel/think, I find myself trying to scare myself by feeling/thinking it. For example, when I read in Mathew last summer that blasphemy of the Holy Spirit was an unforgivable sin, I found myself thinking blasphamous thoughts and I drove myself into psychotic like panic and into the ER--I didn't want to do this, or at least I don't think I wanted to do this, but it just seems like my brain, well, if it encounters something scary, it will dwell there, in an effort to scare me to a panic. It's like, "Oh, you can't do/say/feel that, eh? So, I'm going to do/say/feel it to make you have a panic attack." It's mostly thoughts I struggle with in this area, not actions or words.

Another issue I struggle with is: Lately, over the past year, or before I had my ER psychosis/ panic attack last summer, I think I was becoming addicted to pornography. I don't know if I met some clinical definition of being addicted to pornography, but, at any rate, I felt really guilty about it, and I felt like, what I was doing was "wrong" and "unhealthy" even from a humanistic or secular standpoint. However, when I approach pornography through the veil of Christianity, I feel very very guilty. I'm writing this because I just had an "event", where I looked at pornography, I "gave in" to my urgers. I guess I just worry: Can God forgive me for looking at pornography? I know this probably sounds silly to some people here...but.... And then...I get confused...because I know I have so much guilt inside from my mother in relationship to my sexual feelings...I was just so repressed as a teenager (I'm 37 now), and, I don't want to use this as an excuse, but I sometimes feel that my looking at pornography is very much related to that. I can't say that porn makes me feel good; it often makes me feel horrible, but it's like a distraction. It's like a drug.

Anyway, I have been praying a lot over the past year, trying to talk to God. Sometimes I feel a sense of peace, but most of the time I just feel guilty, or like God is angry at me. I am seeing a Christian therapist, and she tells me that my feelings seem more related to GAD/OCD than anything else, so that is of much comfort to me. I just hope God realizes that I am trying, that I love Him, that I want to be with Him, and that I wish my mental illness, or the ease with which I sin, could be taken away, and that I could do His will on this Earth, whatever He wants me to do.

Anyway, thanks for listening.





Post a new follow-up

Your message only Include above post

Notify the administrators

They will then review this post with the posting guidelines in mind.

To contact them about something other than this post, please use this form instead.


Start a new thread

Google www
Search options and examples
[amazon] for

This thread | Show all | Post follow-up | Start new thread | FAQ
Psycho-Babble Faith | Framed

poster:Chris O thread:450763