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It's happening again...

Posted by holymama on February 9, 2004, at 3:40:07

This must be hypomania.

It is 4 am and I can't sleep.

That is not the first sign, though.

The first sign is a longing for God.

I wish I could talk to someone who understood this. My doctors, my therapist, my husband, my friends...they look at it as a 'symptom' that they want to go away. I understand. I get a bit obsessive.

I want to read my Bible. Yesterday I read 8 chapters (short ones). Galatians, Ephesians, Phillipians, Colossians, 1 Thessalonians, 2 Thessalonians, 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy. At least I am getting through the Bible! And at least my manic obsessions are not of a more unhealthy variety. I tell my husband I could be obsessing over having sex with my neighbor.

The unhealthy part is this. I am trying to get myself away from a 'cult', as some call it, and I can see why they do. During my last mania, I became obsessively involved with the Jehovah's Witnesses. Now, I have gotten obsessively involved with many things before during my manias: Yoga (lost 15 pounds, was in the best shape of my life), Jewelry business (wanted to start a business with the worst business partner one could imagine), the Peace Movement (which is great! But I am not a political person at all, so my vigor was a bit odd to those close to me). But all of those obsessions left me when the mania was gone and the depression hit. THis time is different.

This time, I am medicated, and there is no depression hitting me to 'clear away' my zeal. And second, and most importantly, the Jehovah's Witnesses are not leaving me alone.

There is one woman in particular that I like. SHe is my Bible studies teacher, the woman responsible for 'me coming along', as the Witnesses say. She has visited once, twice, three times a week for the psat year, more often when I was depressed or very manic and having a hard time. Her husband is manic-depressive, you see, so she understands. This is also when she became more aggressive in her attempts to 'recruit' me into her church.

I feel like I should be angry about this, but not at all. My husband is furious. My relatives and my friends have been scared and angry. I am just left like this: when I am hypomanic at 4 am (or at any other time of the day), I long for my Witness friend to visit. I dream about becoming a Witness one day when my children are out of the house and my husband can't fight me any more about it. And I obsessively read my Bible.

During most other, more balanced and stable parts of my life, I fight that urge, because I know it is not a healthy option for myself or my family. And I win that fight. But this morning I am up before everyone else in the house, giving in a little.




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