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a suicide survivors letter

Posted by chefmws on August 7, 2002, at 12:13:56


one year ago in august of 2001, in a fit of anger stemming from a deep depression, i blurted out to my wife my plans to commit suicide. she was shocked and surprised and hurt but she did have a clear head enough to get me into a hospital for some much needed help.

someone in a web site forum asked as to the legality of suicide - that varies from state to state. if you are really wanting to know you will have to look that up yourself. all i know is that when one is contemplating suicide the thoughts about wether it is legal or not does not even enter into the equation.

on the biblical level, this is a grey area for some people. some believe that killing is killing and if you kill yourself it is the same as killing another individual. the bible says "thou shalt not kill". it does not say "thou shalt not kill except for youself". you decide that one for yourself. i can tell you that in the depths of my own suicidal depression that did not matter at that time because i felt that the Lord had turned his back on me and did not care wether i lived or died. i now understand that i turned my back on the Lord, and if my back is to the Lord then my face is towards satan and if that is the case then my mind is satans to do with as he pleases.

my suicidal ideations really confused and upset a lot of people around me. not so much because of the depression, but because a really good friend of mine hung himself in a depressed, alcohol, anti-depressant overdosed clouded mind and they did not understand how i could even think about doing the same thing. to be honest, all i saw was how his wife and kids seemed to be doing better without him and that i knew in my heart that my wife and stepkids would survive this as well, if not better than my freinds wife and kids survived.

i was asked to deliver the eulogy at his funeral. that was perhaps the most difficult thing i have ever had to do. i pray that, i or someone who knows me ,will never have to do anything like that again.

talking about someone's life, at the end of their life, should be a joyous thing, but when you look out at a crowd of people who are all starved for an answer about why someone killed himself it is very hard to make that persons life "joyous". everyone knows the person killed himself and most people know that unchecked depression is what causes most people to think and act out on suicidal ideations.

but, when you look out there and see the family and friends that are left behind, you then know that you have to paint a different picture for their sake, not yours.

have i had any more ideations about suicide... yeah i have had a few. i would like to say that i talk about it with my wife and my therapist and the support group i am in.but i don't. all these people are wanting to help me from falling into that deep hole of depression again, and i really appreicate their love and concern for me.what i am afraid of is that if i say to anyone that i am having any sort of "those thoughts" again that they will run from me because they do not want to go through that mess again or that they will want me to go back into the hospital again, not that the hospital stay was a bad thing, just not something i really want to repeat.

as i look back, the hospital stay was one of the best things that ever happened to me. i rediscovered myself and more importantly i rediscovered my own personal relationship with Jesus. i can not say enough about my relationship with Jesus. that, more than anything else, keeps me on an even keel. when i am on my knees facing him and asking him to give me the strength to go on just one more breath, one more step, one more minute, one more hour, one more day and he gives that to me, he shows me that true unconditional love he pours out everyday to everyone who loves and lets him into their heart and life. i tell people that several years ago i accepted Jesus into my life as my Lord and Saviour, i then tell them that when i was at my lowest of lows and was reaching for anything to save myself Jesus reached out his hand to save me. that is when really understood what it meant to be saved by the Lord Jesus Christ.

i want to emphisize that taking anti-depressants, having a trusting relationship with a competent therapist, and finding a support group are also very important in learning and managing depression. not talking about it does more damage than getting it out in the open. when you realize that other people are going thru the same issues, you realize that you do not feel as alone and feel that you can make it one more day /hour / minute.

if you ever have those thoughts and do not feel like you can talk with someone then call an anonomous help line or call me or email me and i will talk with you. suicide might appear to be an answer but it is not. the problems will still be there, only difference is you aren't. i am not a therapist or a member of the clergy, but i have been, and at times still am, in that boat. if i can help i will.if i can't then we will go together to find someone who can help. i was not given that chance with my friend. i can not go back in time to try to save my friend, nor do i want to. i choose to go forward and help those i am able to.

suicide and depression are not simple matters.depression is not just an illness of the rich and elite. it can and does effect all classes of people. anyone who says different is not only lying to you but is really lying to themselves.

thanks for reading.
mark s.
a suicide survivor in more ways that one.




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