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Re: Manda - a question mair

Posted by 2sense on June 3, 2002, at 11:03:11

In reply to Manda - a question, posted by mair on June 3, 2002, at 7:47:12

Within the last year my husband's company has gone through 2 lay offs, he has suffered intense and often untreated deep depression, and the psych doc is totally unavailable. I was down to 95 lbs. last year I suffer from anorexia as a very bad coping mechanism. I have 3 children (boy 15 1/2, girl 13, and girl 6 1/2). All of us have been evaluated several times and have very high IQ's along with diagnoses AD/HD and other learning disorders such as: dysgraphia, dyslexia, etc. The school district takes the stance make me -- and I have had to go to Harrisburg more than once. The last evaluation in August of 2001 showed my son have an IQ beyond superior but the reading and writing skills of a 1st grader though the public school which he attended from 3rd - 6th gave him A's and B's. The two older ones then went to a very strict but small Christian school that promised they would be more attentive as well as available, none of that occurred, and in the told us that AD/HD was of the devil. My husband is both verbally and emotionally abusive and we have been together 11 years my first marriage was a physical abuser. When we moved here to W. PA I was healthy other than being very pregnant but leaving the DOE supercomputing community (which I worked very hard at and had an international reputation but then it was destroyed when I found fraud). Since being here my husband is not around he is a workaholic, and is vicious like an unfed tiger. I went undiagnosed with Hashimoto's for 4 years, went almost gray, very depressed and 10+ miscarriages (my husband wanted another child very badly). After Madeline was born 02/96 I got pregnant while nursing and found out when the baby was three months along that it was a little boy and half of his head was not there and the brain was missing and had to have a genetic termination. Eventually I found a doctor to treat the hypothyroidism from the Hashimoto's but the damage to my hands was so extensive I then had to back-to-back hand operations. My ex who has not seen the two older children since I left my job putting supercomputing centers together in Northern CA (this was not the lab I left in 10/95 as a whistleblower) and went underground (and my born again Christian parents took his side even after he admitted I had been his punching bag in addition to myriads of other things). Once the divorce was final this man I worked with was a Christian and seemed God sent -- I married him. Once the ring was on the truth came out. We both come from upper-economical educated families but abuse is EVERYWHERE. I started hemorrhaging last May and by October (after the 2nd layoff, the first being in June, and we had to send the older child with money scraped together to a private establishment) I could no longer hide it and was in and out of ER's 4 times in a short period of time. I had a series of tests and hysterscopy and D&C to get me through Xmas (oh I forgot -- 04/99 right after the two hand operations, my lawyer forgot supposedly to file a paper in 48 hours and so the government got off scott free and then I went through optic neuritis) -- let's go back to 01/2002 when I had a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries and grateful I was) but there were several complications and infections and test results indicating bladder cancer (but I didn't have it) then on 02/19/2002 I had one of many supraventrical tachycardia attacks at the local library (my heart rate was 246+) and was taken out by ambulance and spent several days at the hospital having my heart checked (thank God for my Sicilian "genetics" my HDL the good stuff is near 150) but I had an electrical conduction problem -- I had an appointment for 4/16 -- now my son started 30 minutes north of us taking a few public school classes and then had to be driven from there to the learning center (which thank God was across from my husband's place of business) BUT I couldn't drive so he was clocking like 100 miles had to pick up the kids at the end of the day, and then work at night. I found a law, called Harrisburg, and after Spring break the school followed the law and that was lifted. But my psych doc (one who cared for me for 6 years left in Oct. 2001 and I lost several people in 9-11 -- I was "given" to some other guy (the first one started me on Klonopin at 0.25 for insomnia I think 08/01 -- but this guy thought I was bipolar since I had a thyroid problem and talked fast (being from NJ this shouldn't be shocking) so he doubled the Klonopin (which is addicting and has behavior side effects) then two days later had a massive stroke (very sad) and can no longer work and I was passed again (this was while I was in and out of the ER's) ok so the other doc that remained could only talk to me over the phone and after the heart thing right before Easter (my parents and one sister and husband were to arrive Good Friday -- my second child was turning 13 on Easter) well everyone got the flu and Strep (not me -- mother's immunity I always say) and the church we did belong to knew all of this and more and did NOTHING -- I mean NOTHING -- well the psych doc refused to take me off the Klonopin unless I went on Depakote -- known for its excessive weight gain ideal for an anorexia, 39 year old with body issues headed into the summer -- he called the script in late --I was up and down for at least a week with sick children, ran out of the stuff and had NO sleep whatsoever the Thursday before Good Friday and also the Wednesday before that Thursday -- when the script was finally ready to pick up -- since I couldn't drive and my husband was to weak he picked it up Friday morning -- normally I would have taken it and gone to bed for the day -- but I stayed awake waiting for the family to arrive and had a grand mal seizure (and my almost 13 year old saw the whole thing and is still, as one would expect freaked out) -- wait, wait I am not done.... after another ambulance and ER trip (and the ER doctor didn't do anything a doctor does for an initial seizure -- probably because it was a provoked seizure due to sleep deprivation coupled with cold turkeying a benzo -- but my own doctor scheduled an EEG and MRI -- the MRI after the optic neuritis was clean and my eye cleaned up faster than the doctor had ever seen. The EEG was abnormal as was the MRI. So off to a MS specialist I went who threw me on Tegretol, told me he wasn't going to do anymore tests and that I had MS and see you in August after you recover from the end of May catheter/ablation of your heart (which didn't go well and I have to have done all over again) -- and then in August I get to start daily injections in the derriere) for the rest of my life -- all done in 20 minutes no questions did my husband and I get answers to -- just that the 1 or 2 lesions weren't as big as he like, not classic MS lesions and really not in the right place -- but oh well.

Never once have I questioned that there is a God, that He has a plan for my life -- I have been angry, hopeless, etc. But I have left SO much out -- people say my life is Murphy's law -- but I saw my faith is strong and a sense of humor is the shock absorber of life -- my marriage is going down the tubes fast, the two older hormone driven kids are fresh, I am very lonely and feel forgotten and forsaken -- wouldn't you? Perhaps not, I have given up on asking why, but I'd give anything to be Job (after all I have all of his friends -- especially my mother, "God is punishing you for x, y, and z <-- this I do not know what she is talking about as my father used to interview over lunches when I was 17 out of high school working fulltime potential dates -- 3 guys actually did this and he rejected them all!

I don't know if this makes any sense or just sounds like the ramblings of someone -- you can decide but at least I know what is what and am putting one foot in front of the other. I have felt for many years like a boxer, everyone gone home including the guy who rings the bell to stop that round and give the boxers a rest -- every time I stand up another 2 X 4 hits me -- since last May of 2001 I feel like it is a gang with 2 X 4's and I just do not get it. So I am in James, I need wisdom and discernment -- Lamentations is good as is Romans 8 ... but we all get very weary when things come to fast and there just is not the support system one needs.

Just my 2sense -- hope I did not offend anyone for this was not my intent but everyone makes mistakes -- goodness knows I certainly do.


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poster:2sense thread:19
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20020527/msgs/60.html