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Re: Have lost my faith and suicidal Mandy

Posted by krazy kat on June 20, 2002, at 18:49:42

In reply to Have lost my faith and suicidal, posted by Mandy on June 19, 2002, at 15:04:47

I am posting very little here now, but your post struck me (so you should feel special ;)), so here I am.

> I have always had a deep faith and was a practicing Catholic, but have been unable to pray or go to church for last several months. Not sure why except that because of my constant mental problems, I guess I feel deserted by God.

My initial reaction is that "this is the depression talking/acting not you". Have you ever heard that statement from your psychiatrist? The first time I heard it, I went "Whew".

> Last month I tried to take my life by taking 5 different medications and was on a ventilator for 2 days and in mental health unit for 8 days. i guess I wasn't totally serious because I left a note for my husband and that is why I was found before I actually stopped breathing.

Um, that last statement has got to go. I had an experience today that left me floored. During an interview with a state psychologist, he asked me how I felt during depression. I am tired of answering that question in deatail (dark, suicidal), so I said "I tried to kill myself twice in the last year". He asked how (as if that matters). "By taking pills to overdose." He asked "Did you?" I said, "Well, I'm still here." (That's actually kind of funny, I forgot that part earlier). He asked if I were hospitalized. I said no. And he obviously checked the box that said "disability denied."

You obviously Did want to die and that is very, very serious. Leaving a note doesn't mean you were "fooling around." Just because my body somehow processed a bottle of sleeping pills doesn't mean I was fooling around.

> I see a psychiatrist now twice a week, my husband doles out my meds (prozac, neurontin and ambien) and I think I am a little better.

Good. A little better is good. Remember to compare it to the past, keep in mind that progression is what we shoot for, not a comparison to Nicole Kidman or (insert powerful, successful word-wide female leader here).

> But today I tried to find the meds and think I would have taken them all if I could have found them.

But you don't know that.

I just so desperately want to find my spiritual side and believe that I am a worthwhile person.

You might benfit from a book I read called "Mood Swings" by Paul Meier. It's a Christian book, I think born-again (I got it for mom), but it deals mostly with spirituality and one's relationship with God, not distiquishing which branch of Christianty is good, and it deals with our illnesses as brain disorders and accepts the need for meds (which Can be unusual in religion).

> I have glimpses of feeling good but it doesn't last.

All I can say here is, I know this so well.

Take care.

- kk


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poster:krazy kat thread:186
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20020527/msgs/193.html