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Re: Mental Illnesses and Faith Communities 2sense

Posted by Sally green on June 15, 2002, at 20:53:05

In reply to Re: Mental Illnesses and Faith Communities SuzyQ, posted by 2sense on May 31, 2002, at 15:16:59

Hi Ladies:

This is my first time at this post. I was in a relationship with similar problemes that you have discussed. How very trying it can be. I am a Christian and have a wonderful relationship with God, talk with him like a friend. Have any of you heard of Joyce Meyer? She is wonderful! Her teaching tapes answer alot of the things that we wonder about and her answers are based on the scriptures. She started her life in a relationship with all of the attributes we are discussing. When I started dating this guy I had not been in a serious relationship due to a long history of fighting obesity, alcohol and drugs. When we met he partied but had told me that he was ready to stop those things and begin a life with a wife and family. I thought I had met the man of my dreams, someone who would have compassion for the fact that I had used drugs, drank and all the things that come along with that lifestyle. At first things went well and we were in love. As time progress I found out that his parents had been divorced mainly due to his father's undiagnosed Bi-Polar/Manic-Depressive disorder, drinking and woman chasing. As time progressed he got excessively suspicuous, untrusting, jealous, verbally abusive, always accusing me of cheating etc., he was never physically abusive although I believe that he had the potential if I were to live with him or marry him. When he started these actions I wanted to be left alone, so he would get drunk and actually become a vicious, almost insane person! Totally lacking any self control! I was at the top of the world when we met, was sober for a year, had lost 100 pounds and had kept it off for several years and still maintain my ideal weight today. As he became more accusative we fought. I had made so many positive changes in my life, but was affraid to leave him because I thought that at 36 years old, not having a boyfriend for such a long time etc., I may never find another man.

The I started listening to Joyce's tapes, like Wilderness Mentality. She makes some great points. First, that it is not your responsibility or will you ever be able to change these men. Only God can change them. I am sure you have probably prayed and prayed that God change these terrible traits in your husband, obviously without luck. Maybe God is telling you something. I have never been married and do not believe in divorce, but God does not expect you to stay in a relation with such abuse. I am not telling you to get divorced, but why should you waste your life with a man who treats you so badly and with such disrespect? How frustrating it is to be told by these guys that there is nothing wrong with them and that it is you that has the problem. Bull! Don't even let him convince you of that. I remember when this guy was busting things in the house, calling me filthy names etc and would appolize for all of it later, like they all do, how heart breaking the entire situation was. It must of been so normal to him that I actually remeber him laughing, like I should not take these things so seriously! I had to make up my mind that I was better off being alone, or just me and God, as opposed to being with the wrong person. Since that time God has made wonderful changes in my life! I have my own house, business and finally peace of mind!

You sound like a lovely lady and true Christian. Don't give up now! Don't stay with someone like this either! If you have tried everything possible to make things better and prayed to God to change him, maybe Gods answer is "no" because he has a different plan for YOU! You said that you were in an abusive relations for 10 years before this man. You sound like me, keep attracting the same type of guy. Where are the sensible, stable men?? Truly that is our fault! I have not been in a relation for about 3-4 years. God has guided me. I am not seeking out a man or looking for a husband. I have become willing to wait until God brings that special man in my life. If he does not I will know that was also part of his plan! It has been hard at times, not having a man around to do the physical things that come with owning a home etc, but God has never let me down! He always brings a male friend into my life to help out. I have had neck surgery which limits my ability to do alot of heavy lifting and physically draining jobs. Financially times have been tough, but God has NEVER let me be without the money needed for the things that must be paid.

Anyway, don't give up on God or yourself. Have another talk with God and ask him to tell you what to do. Like I told this fellow, if he wanted to go to a psychiatrist I would stay with him, if he would quit his drinking I would go back to AA just for him, I had not gone for many years. He siad that he did not have any problems and liked to drink, that it calmed his nerves. I took that as the sign that I asked God to give me. Really a blessing in disguise!!!LOL!! I kind of felt off of the hook and told him that I was not going to lower my standards to accomodate him, that he would have to raise his standards and help himself, with my help or it was over! Well it has been over for 3-4 years. His life has been filled with one girlfriend after another, his Bi-Polar/MD, drinking/drugs and outrageous behavior affecting all of the relationships and eventually the break-up of every relationship! Maybe this is the only way this man will finally realize that it is him who has the problem. If you do not want to get divorce, then try seperation agreeing to only come back when he his sought the proper help.
Sorry to babble on, but don't give up on God or yourself!!! It is never to late to make a fresh start! God will forgive you for the choices that you have made or need to make! Then you must forgive yourself and don't look back. He will probably make your life miserable for awhile and if like me, you may have to involve the law, but it is time to start thinking about yourself and your kids. This guys father was the same way and he carried over the things he saw into his relationships. You would never want your kids to think that this is normal or that they must put up with this type behavior from the person who is supposed to love them the most.

Good luck and God Bless You and your family. I will pray that he give you the strentgh and determination to make a decision that will help you bring his will into your life. You can have the Good life and plan that God intended for you or stay with someone who obviously has serious problems outside your conrol. Never think that the good life with a normal, caring man is outside of your reach. I never saw myself with a normal guy because I just never dated any, looking in all the wrong places. The wisdom that I have gained from this relationship is remarkable! GOD has a wonderful plan for all of us, my sister, and why would you settle for anything less?

Peace, Joy and Love,
Sally


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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20020527/msgs/149.html