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Re: sleep deprivation log - 1

Posted by rjlockhart37 on March 13, 2022, at 1:55:30

In reply to Re: sleep deprivation log, posted by rjlockhart37 on March 11, 2022, at 15:56:48

I don't want to explain what happened but - i was 21 and working for my brother, still lived with my parents, i was on high dose of dexedrine which kept me in alert state, went to work, did things, then i screwed them up. I'm known for doing that, clumsly disapline, then i was having anamosity both at work and home. Empolyer - was angry and i felt that i failed them, leaving me depressed, then dexedrine wore off at the end of my shift, that was another depression hit, after boss wasnt happy, then i go home, my .. parents didnt like me, they would tell me your feeling sorry for yourself and move out. There was bad, anamosity, the energy i felt, being almost hated - and yes i mean hated, not exaggeration. I thought there was an evil spirit that was jumping from my employer, my doctor, my parents, because i rerember they all had this same facial expression. They would have this same facial expression, and i thouhght spirit was jumping into people, the mad hatter playing games, i thought it was the jokster (the trickster, folk lore) everywhere i went, i thought jokster would jump into people, the same facial expression, in diffrent people. It was like a grin smile, exact. I went to my doctor to tell him what was going on, my mother followed me to the doctors office, i told my doctor, about what's happening. He gave a shady look with no sympathy, then my mom walked in. They both planned to discharge me, i couldnt believe it. The doctor was evil, i knew it was jokster, that jumped into him. Then after all that happened, mental collapse, during that time i stayed in bed, they came in and said move out. I was weak position, they were blind, and fact that had abuse tendencies. I had some psychotic breats happening, i went a bit crazy thinking everywhere i went, the jokster spirit was following and jumping into people. That same...grin, the same grin that was in my employer, my parents, the waiter at the resturant, custodian at the church. This is gonna sound, very whack, but i thought the mad hatter was assigning spirits, to bring bad events, play jokes - making bad things happen Dexedrine can cause paranoia, it releases dopamine, and yes when there's higher levels of dopamine in the brain, nervy synapse, it causes paranoia and delusion. But, it happened even after being taken off it, my dopamine levels went down but i still thought the trickster was planning things and jumping into people, giving me that same evil grin, smile. What i think happened, was all that stress and abuse, got rounds of imaginary gunshots and caused psychosis. I have never seen such hatred, then ... as time went on, it went away.

You know there's many other people who have had worse things happen to them, sexual abuse, all sorts of it. But the pain, that anamosity, thinking they hated me so much, they trying to plot evil things. That's when i started noticing the evil grin, the jokster spirit. what resulted of all that stress and imaginary gunshot wounds to heart. It caused trauma, and brief psychotic episodes. After that, things settled, and kinda of sitting duck period. I feel scared, to go into the world again, because of failure. People having a good heart, warm, then after time they disliked me. So that's what ahppened. This is the internet, this is my screen name, thank its not under real name. But i have no threapist, no one to listen, so i just wrote it on the net. There is no room, for sorrow and asking people to say i feel you, you just...have to keep going. You have to let it go, and yes i did, but that pain, the memory of it is still there, put away and locked. I do not want this to be a story, people talk about in self help groups I may regret writing this spilling all over vomit emotions, but you know, it has to get out, don't have a therapist so i wrote it on the net. Nothing wanted, or interacted with me, i just wrote it. I found help in god, praying, and getting corruption out, and follow jesus. I'm now low on mental energy, but i'll write more. I think sharing or inspiring people, through advice and expericnes because it's for the better good, help society, and save people from darkness. You have the option of turning the page in life, writing another book for your life, or simply closing everything. Write another book, or chapter for your life. Simply closing everythng is bsically like retiring from life. If you read this, i had to write it, but do not associate this with me, this was a blog and not a public statement, or testimony. People can dislike you for vomiting up emoitons, so, this is discreet log. Save people and tell them to repent of their sins, before death. Ending this scattered, messy blog, but that's what happened. Help other people, share and inspire to better, for the good. End of log

"There comes a time in your life where you have to choose to turn the page, write another book, or simply close it"
-Shannon L Alder




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