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Re: Chronic Terminal Depression alchemy

Posted by SLS on December 31, 2021, at 17:24:34

In reply to Chronic Terminal Depression, posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Hi, Alchemy.

I am listening.

I am not going to try to fix you.

Well, I guess I just changed my mind.

My depressive illness had been one of the worst the NIH had seen so far in 1992.

Yours sounds worse.

I have been suffering for 44 years - 17 years old to 61 years old. However, it seems that I won't have a 45th year. I am currently responding very well to:

Nardil 90 mg/day
nortriptyline - 100 mg/day
Lamictal - 300 mg/day
lithium - 300 mg/day

When it comes to using one drug at a time (monotherapy), the choices are rather limited. However, there are hundreds of ways to combine them (polypharmacy). But how do you choose from a mind-boggling number of permutations? Then, when you consider all of the the possible dosages to get right, it is no wonder it takes decades for some people to find the right keys to open the door to their locked cage and then begin to search for themselves.

1. Make a list of all the drugs that produced even the slightest of improvements regardless of how short that improvement lasted.

2. Make a list of all of the drugs that produced an exacerbation (a worsening) of your depressive state.

3. Make a list of all of the drugs that were neutral.

Ultimately, this is how I found the combination of drugs that worked for me. Keep in mind that finding the right drugs treatment includes finding the right dosage of each of those drugs in combination. For instance, in 2009, I had taken the exact same drugs that I am taking now. Ultimately, that trial ended in an unacceptable degree of improvement. This is what I took to reach that treatment failure:

Nardil 75 mg/day
nortriptyline 150 mg/day
Lamictal 200 mg/day
lithium 300 mg/day

Compare dosages. Those seemingly unimportant differences is the difference between continuing to live chained to the bottom of a murky ocean versus frolicking in the sunshine with everyone else on the beach at the water's edge. Unlimited effortless breathing.

Perhaps knowing that the beach is awaiting your arrival to join the others will help you to find a reason to suffer for one more day. You should consider your efforts to last this long as nothing short of heroic. Your condition in horrendous.

If you were fortunate enough to have had even 3 consecutive days of remission, witnessing your core self emerge from the unspeakable darkness is your carrot. Hold on tight to the memories of those days. Thoughts. Feelings. Competency. Success. Joy. Learning. Communing with the rest of humanity.

Having that which had been an exhausting struggle become the easiest of tasks.

I was once told that suicide is a permanent solution of a temporary problem.


This is not at all relatable to me. How can anyone reliably forecast that your situation is only temporary, and that your pain and struggle will come to an end before you do? How dare anyone be so presumptuous as to think they know the mind of God. However, forgive these people. Their unrealistic, but well-meaning Pollyanna display is an attempt to lift you up, not knock you down. Be tolerant of their attempts to save you. Understand and forgive their ignorance.

My doctor at the NIH offered me an observation about depression that was extraordinarily insightful for someone who hadn't been a victim. Hes said that there is a timelessness about depression. When you are in the middle of it, there was no beginning and there shall be no end. Try to consider this phenomenon when weighing the reliability of your thoughts and feelings.

I hope that I conveyed to you my acknowledgement of your pain and endless struggle, along with my respect and acceptance of any decision you come to. Just know that IN RETROSPECT, I am now glad that I was born.

You are a hero in my book. It is my sincerest of hopes that you don't give up today, just in case you are granted your beautiful reward tomorrow.

I hope this New Year brings you reasons to celebrate and give express gratitude.

- Scott

Some see things as they are and ask why.
I dream of things that never were and ask why not.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.




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