Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Chronic Terminal Depression

Posted by alchemy on December 30, 2021, at 21:35:28

Around age 11 it began. Hell. Although some days are better days and my life isn't too bad on paper - there has not been a day that I would blink about pushing a button that said "extinct me, erase existence".
I don't understand others when they are having such a good time are grateful for life (gag). And it goes way beyond that. I go through feelings there aren't words for. I have different "types" of depression.

How have I held on for 40 years of hell? I don't have the guts to make the effort, I am hyper-responsible (vs rash), and extremely guilt prone.

On a recent short trial of gabapentin for pain it made my "must die" obsession stronger. I have reverted to pre-gabapentin.

Science has not come to the point where it can correct every problem, much less unique problems. To my dr, I am the most difficult case and the most med sensitive he has seen.

I've been researching and have volumes trying to solve my brain. I honestly wish I would have had the guts to kill myself as a teenager to prevent all the suffering. Luckily I have no kids (No way in hell I would pass down my genes.)

I think I'm going to look into Switzerland euthanasia. I don't know if they would do it in my case. I think my mom would actually come along although it would kill her - but she has witnessed my pain through the years and understands. (and her sister just had a psychic experience that she only has a year and a half to live, haha)

Thanks. Just wanted someone to listen.

(yes I've tried it all, including ECT, TMS, all meds, microdosing, ketamine (which can be hit and miss for me. almost all meds make me WORSE, and I just can't handle getting any worse. I'm exhausted from this whole thing.




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