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My place of relaxation is a place of dysfunction

Posted by Chris O on September 3, 2012, at 3:55:31

I don't know if others here feel this way about their anxiety or depression. But I have found that my place of relaxation (whatever tepid relaxation I can manage to eek out each day) is a place of dysfunction, anxiety, depression. In other words, when I "let go" or "stop trying" I go to an even worse place than I do when I am exerting effort to fight against my anxiety disorder and depression. It feels like what I need in an antidepressant is something to "lift the veil" or "pull down the wall" so that I can come out from inside a place of deep pressure and pain. Another unfortunate byproduct of this condition is that those that stay with me in relationships (my faux place of relaxation) tend to be abusive and controlling (my perception). This, of course, is the same environment I grew up in with my mother (in retrospect). I don't really know how to get out of this pattern. I am completely crippled by it. I know that I need to change my brain chemistry because it feels that the cause is very physical. After failing all of the SSRIs, I am thinking of trying nortriptylene.
I am really getting desperate. If I wasn't with my wife, I would most surely be skirting homelessness or (god forbid) living with my mother. I do not want to be this way. I want to function and take care of myself. Yet, I am unable to due to the inability to exert control over my life. I am sick of trying so very hard and feeling like giving up each moment. The struggle is too great. Any feedback on notrip would be useful. Thanks,





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