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How my mind works and methamphetamine

Posted by rjlockhart04-08 on April 30, 2012, at 12:40:49

Well I have to be honest that I am not a regular user of this substance but when I am given a chance to use it, I will take action. Now, I need to talk about how my mind works. Lately I have been in mental darkness, meaning that I have no excitement at all and it feels vary much that I am frozen in my thoughts and cannot move to express them without having a mood altering to cause me to come to life. I live vary much like a primative human, I don't have any sophisicated style of living and I rarely have the motivation to research on the spiritual relm, which is one of my main intrests.

I feel I can't even come to life, my dopamine and noradrenaline is vary low...and I have already tried caffeine and it just makes me irrtible and less intrested because I feel awful. Alcohol will have about 15-30 of release and then will cause depression to sink into a trench..much lower than the depression I expierience with no substance at all. Cannabis causes me to go into derealization and causes me to panic because I have lost reality, when basically cannabis is suppost to calm the normal person down, it has diffrent effects that cause painful memories to arise.
And lastly the main drug I am going to discuss about Methamphetamine and its effects on me. When It entered my system a couple days I felt this rush with the most enhanced mental clarity that I have ever expierienced, I could reference my thoughts easily and came out of my frozen state of mind and talked much more, and felt release from the depression that I have expienced for years. Now as time went by, the high dopamine levels that it causes me to be obessed with having sex, and makes my mellow, timid personality leave and turn into a determined person to get what I want. After about 3-4 hours had passed my mind started trying to reach the spiritual world because I had to be home vary soon, and I was in alot of trouble with alot of people I know. And of course, Lucifer started speaking to trust him to get me out of this mess. Now...I know this sounds vary much like a psychological delusion to hear from other sides of reality, and personally I vary much believe that its an alter ego that the mind will create to have a conversation with. Still the amount of accuracy of events happening, and the sense of the presence..but needless to say after the methamphetamine wore off all this connection with spirutal worlds ended. I sit and stay in this boring state of mind, only slowly comprehending reality of this earth...and have to deal with depression.

But my point is, ... I function much better on stimulants and no one will listen and understand my point of view, they always accuse me of being a drug addict and I stay in this sack of gloom with no hope. Yes, I have a tendency to take more to get a effect that will give me the ability to study and function like I want, but all the choices I had with dexedrine and adderall I ruined them. Now, if my mother was not here, I could vary well still be on them because she informed the doctors that I was abusing them badly, and that is what caused all this to collapse into horrible consequences. I want contact the spirit world again, with or without a substance to get that feeling of being protected and channelled information. The problem is that I have a dependent mind and rely on others for help and when I do try to take things into my own hands, I usally do it backwards and screw it up and become vary disorganized. My reality is based on having someone to assist me, but that puts me into a position of being mentally handicapped relying on someone to solve my difficult problems, and staying in isolation because I feel I will not humilated in public for my mental defciets. I usally mask them and think fast to make sarcastic comments about the situation. I can't make contact with people that I need to call because I know I will lack mental motivation to keep up with a conversation in need of assistnace because I know that people are going to be concerned for a period of time but It will leave. Its all in the art of conversation and having a relationship with someone to make it last. My pessismism is created from own defiecits to maintain relationships, I run away from people and then wonder why I am so lonely...It's vary simple its my choices that I was not aware of the consequences that would come.
I rest it at this...feel free to read but I am responsible for my own life.




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