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med help/suggestions/advice/does it get better?

Posted by JohnLA on September 2, 2011, at 0:57:07

hi all-

this is my first post. i have been lurking for the past year and want to say first, thank-you to all the people who post on here. there is quite a bit of info and advice which i found helpful.

i am in my first ever serious depression. it's been 18 months now. i may have been in a mild depression for a few years before i got hit by several events in 2009/2010 that just overwhelmed me emotionally and i crumbled. i'm 49 and in a very severe mid-life crisis, so-to-speak. ;)

i have not worked since april, 2010. i am currently on 30mg of remeron and about a 1 to 1.5mg of klonopin per day.

i'm somewhat stuck in my recovery. i have basically been in bed for the last 18 months. i initially tried lexapro, cymbalta, celex and wellbutrin. i also did 12 ect's (unilateral). these all did not work. i had some improvement around 8 months ago when i was put on remeron. at least my sleep schedule went back to normal for the most part.

my first question; i am slowly trying to ween off the klonopin. i've been on it for a year now. i'm hoping that this will help with my apathy/anehdonia (sp?). any advice on this strategy would be appreciated. not so much on how to wean, but if anybody here has seen their emotions come back once off the klonopin. i've been told and read that klonopin can add to one's depression and emotional blunting. my pdoc seems to think it's more my depression than the klonopin causing the anehdonia.

next, i am 'better' in some ways. less agitated than i was a year ago. sleep is better. not much else has improved/changed though...

ruminating thoughts, suicidal ideation, laying in bed all day/night, and the above mentioned apathy/anehdonia for all the things i used to love and care about which may be the scariest part of all, save for the suicidal thoughts. so,

my next question is; i'm curious if people have seen their depression end with time and patience? (one of my favorite tolstoy quotes is, 'time and patience are the greatest warriors.') like i said, i do seem to be getting ever so slightly better as time goes by. but, at the same time i feel very stuck and nervous about these suicidal thoughts that i have. i never had them before and it still freaks me out that i actually have a plan, etc.

i miss my job, old social life, and healthy lifestyle (gym, good food, travel). i have become very reclusive and i isolate a lot and spend hours on the computer researching depression. this is the teacher in me and i think i may have some ocd in me. i live alone, but have cut-off most family and friends and rarely go out except with a few 'safe' friends.

i go to talk therapy once a week. not sure it helps, but 'they' say it is good to do. as you can see, i have no problem talking and i'm pretty sure i know how i got myself into this depression. not sure i'll have any major revelations come about. still, i will continue with the talk therapy.

final question; i see my pdoc next week and would like to go to her with some suggestions as to what to add possibly. she's really been pushing effexor as an add-on to the remeron. i'm reluctant to do so because i hear that effexor can really make you 'feel' less. also, the horror stories about missing a dose or coming off it have me not too excited about taking it. i'm pretty sensitive to medication, but i realize i need some sort of boost to get my butt moving and back to life. anybody here taking remeron with something else that proved beneficial?

sorry for the long post. like i said i'm a talker. hope you can find my 3 questions in all the rambling above.

thanks in advance for any help/suggestions/hope.





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