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Re: I think Parnate is making me actually worse.. Sailboat77

Posted by europerep on January 7, 2011, at 6:13:52

In reply to Re: I think Parnate is making me actually worse.., posted by Sailboat77 on January 6, 2011, at 21:34:04

Well, it's true, *some* people do profit from it, and I can't know if I would do so or not without trying but... then what? I would need ECT for the rest of my life, and I am sure it would lose its efficacy at some point. Also, I read of someone about my age who had ECT without success, but who basically forgot all his past years of university study, and had to drop out of his courses because he just couldn't continue it.. even if chances of that are low, I won't take that risk.

To be honest, in the long run (!), suicide has become a viable option for me. I have basically been ill since age 10 - first anxiety, which made me miss out on almost everything because I didn't dare leaving the house, then from 16 on depression, which made me miss out on almost everything because I just cannot enjoy myself or anything I do. the others at my age, and even those who are much younger than me, are *so* far ahead of me in terms of everything that makes up actual life, I will never be able to make up for all these years... :(..

for now, I will try something different though, and if that doesn't work, I will reevaluate my perspectives. on christmas, for the first time since a long while ago, I smoked some weed again (I know it was a bad on an MAOI, but hey I survived... unfortunately) and for the first time in so long, I actually felt good about myself, I was eager to interact socially etc.. the day after, I sent mails out to friends who I hadn't contacted for soo long (their last contact to me was when they sent me a happy birthday message at the beginning of 2010, and I didn't even bother to reply), and so on. I found a university psychiatrist who gave me an address of a doctor who *may* be willing to prescribe me dronabinol (semi-synthetic THC) against my depression. There is quite some research going on, looking into how to raise endocannabinoid levels which are significantly lowered in many people with depression.. until they find some agents who do that though, the only way would be to bring in exogenous cannabinoids.. it may not be the best way to treat depression, but if it *is* one, I'm willing to take it. I would rather take a controversial drug than continue living like this, which would mean taking my life at some point sooner or later anyways...

sorry for the ramble, had to say that.. I'll see that doc one and a half weeks from now, obviously I'll still have to get rid of tranylcypromine, which will take a little longer, but then I'll know whether she'll eventually prescribe it to me or not...




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