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In need of kind, gentle support

Posted by Cydnie on December 28, 2010, at 16:38:53

I tried to, I hate typing this and am pausing before each word, I took a bunch of pills, drank more than Jim Morrison's share of wine, and took a bath Christmas night, and held my head under the water. I don't remember exactly what happened, but I did wake up the next day. My husband had gone off on me on Christmas Eve, and left and went to my family's house (who I would have spent Christmas with along with my baby and husband) and "vented" (but later learned was a lot of half truths, some outright lies, and nothing about what he had done). My family felt oh so bad for my poor husband, because he has been caretaking - he says he has caretaker burden because I am a chronic pain sufferer, and have been sick on and off since my baby was born, and then of course dealing with my post partum depression. He just couldn't take it for another moment. I had just a few days before been taken to the ER for what my doctor thought was a brain aneurysm (I thought I was going to die in those few days) and he had to take off from work and make arrangements, and I heard about how hard it has been for him. It turned out I had a toxic reaction to a thyroid medication that another doctor told me I should never had been prescribed. Before the ER, I had lost my memory, was stuttering, couldn't walk, and of course we had to get babysitters, and he told me that was draining our bank account. Anyway, he came home on Christmas and told me he wanted me to leave the house, wouldn't give me any money, and wanted a divorce. My father called him and left him a message saying Merry Christmas to him, not a mention of me. He calmed down when I went up to our bedroom, where I spent the entire day in bed crying. He later came to me to tell me it was all caregiver's burden and he took it out on me, and would tell my parents the truth, including how he's shoved me around (even when I was pregnant). He told them, and has apologized up and down, and is saying everything will change, and though I don't believe it, I want to. I just want to stop hurting, and don't want to die, and am trying to think of a way out of this pain in some way other than finishing what I started the other night. I've never missed a Xmas in my life (my husband's Jewish, so it has been so nice, we celebrated both holidays). I can't seem to feel better each day that goes by, and all I want to do is get out. I have no money, no where to go, and I still have this chronic pain and am sick (I did say to him I understood how hard it was for him to deal with me always being sick or in pain, but could he try to imagine how hard it was for me, actually feeling all of this for so long?) I think he's just so sick of it. Me too. I just happened to see a bit of House last night where he dealt with a chronic pain sufferer who just wanted to die, and he told her he understood more than she knew. I wished my husband could. He's had shingles for a few weeks (and hasn't stopped complaining about it), and I told him to imagine having that every day. Anyway, I'm alone, and I know everyone here is in some sort of pain too. I just wanted some understanding from someone, in a few words, I know it's not easy to give when you feel awful too. But if anyone can, thank you. Thank for listening to me vent too!




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