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Re: suicidality exhaustion... linkadge

Posted by floatingbridge on September 16, 2010, at 21:29:56

In reply to Re: suicidality exhaustion... emmanuel98, posted by linkadge on September 16, 2010, at 7:27:11

> I do agree with you in a sense. But another part of me still doesn't really understand.
> I'm not saying *part* of the suicidal individual don't want to die, but I am saying that people make the decision to chose a method that is:
> a) 100% lethal or not
> b) can be backed out of or not
> If you chose a method less than this, then (consiously or subconsiously) you don't 100% want to die.

This thread has been helping me to think through various related issues, like my grandmother's behavior and the repercussions for many generations. I
now wonder what the heck happened to her in Eastern Europe. Dinah was kind enough to comment. Many other comments not directly about my grandmother helped too.

I've also thought through some personal issues. I have never attempted suicide,
though I have depression since childhood, abuse issues, etc. At my worst, I have heard, like a drumbeat in
my head, "I wish I were dead, etc". How many children say this in childhood? I
did. Medication and therapy have been
able to stop that automatic thinking, and
I am fortunate. When I slip, there that voice is. I've learned that engaging in this behavior is the sign that I need help asap.

From this discussion, I also realize that, during the worst periods, I might not have been far from a suicide attempt
(car crash, pills) because attempts can be very impulse based.

I have never truely wanted to be 100%
dead. Whatever the percentage was, I really wanted to feel better. I wanted
the pain to stop.

Ambivalence is pretty much a human
trait, isn't it, though I'm not sure. To a greater or lesser degree. So is the
tolerance for ambivalence. Some despise
it, others thrive. I think I can imagine
now how suicide is thought of by various individuals, thanks to this discussion.

How different we all are. When I was young and worked a late night crisis line,
our rule of thumb was that all suicidal talk was to be taken literally--that is, seriously, regardless of how often someone may have called, or if the caller was on a lark. I was sooooo naive. I did
my job, and well enough, but understand more deeply now.

Ambivalence is o.k. More than o.k., ambivalence just is, like chlorophyll is green and water feels wet. To assign or insist upon a degree of sincerity in a suicidal gesture, thought, or ironclad
attempt seems to leave out alot of potential meaning and is a red herring that can lead productive thinking astray. Link, this post isn't directed toward you specifically. Though your posts have kicked off quite a discussion, what I see you saying above is that you do not understand and that you are trying to understand. I think that, in itself, is great.

MDD currently controlled. C-ptsd and comorbid health concerns. Chronic fatigue.




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