Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?

Posted by qbsbrown on April 4, 2010, at 17:54:26

In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 4, 2010, at 17:27:59

> > Or, I could try to go work a mindless job that i might be able to handle, such as at a restaurant...
> I think a restaurant could actually be quite stressful!
> When you hear things repeating over and over, is it like a voice inside your head or as if someone was speaking in your ear?

For some reason, i'd like to get to 600mgs lyrica. After 2 175mg doses today, mixed with my 2 300mg trileptal doses, and 2 20mg diaz doses, i feel a little drunk, which is better than the alternative.

It's my own voice that never stops. It's me talking, it's me telling stories, asking people questions, answering questions etc. Although, there were many times when the first thing i would hear when i woke up would be, it's time to die. I would hear this constantly throughout the day. Usually it would be telling me terrible things, and as i was speaking to people,my friends, doctors, it would be telling them goodbye in my head, as suicide was iminanant. I would think about these medical tests that i was having done, and knowing that i was never going to be able to pay the medical bills, because i would not be alive.
I would speak to my grandmother on the phone, and cry after our talks, because i thought of how much she would miss me. I see all of my friends on facebook, i could literally hear them speaking/talking about me after i died. I held my own mock funeral in my room, with a music compilation, and had written my obituary. My own voice first thing in the morning, would say, it's time to go, you're not supposed to be here.
Every 3rd thought, or what i would hear, would be about dying.
Mind you, the only time i have ever felt suicidal in my life, was a couple days on paxil, which i quit, and also neurontin had given me some dreams/visions of me carrying it out. other than that, i'm a calm, peaceful person.

2 months into cold turkey, as i was attempting to go to a movie theater, much crying involved, i was shooting baskets at a basketball machine, every shot i took, my own voice would say, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, as i'm crying, and calling my shrink constantly. He calls many drs around the country, and all say it's psychosis from benzo cold turkey.
I would hear my own voice saying, "I'm scared", and i have to respond, "I know". Or it would talk about, i can't be affraid anymore, cause i'm not on a benzo. there were many morbid thoughts, times, i felt like something was going to make me jump out of the car. If i saw a knife, i was afraid that something was going to make me hurt someone with it.

Like i say, MUCH has improved with the ECT and the meds right now, but the memories are horrific, and still some of the phenomenea are terrible. When this first started, i literally could not even see myself in the mirror, as my thoughts were so thick. I could not do simple tasks, such as clip my finger nails, as the intrusive thoughts/memories were so thick, and then a running commentary, and even my own voice mocking me of what i couldn't do. Memories and telling stories, of how much of my life i wasn't on benzos etc. At night, as i closed my eyes, all that i could see, were memories, and hear my own voice. I mentioned that there were moments of times of believing of devil possesion, or a night of being incarnated as God.

Those delusions have passed.

I messed something up in my brain from a cold turkey dramatically for sure. And I believe that ECT has helped reset some of it.

How to ever resume a life of normalcy, I don't know.

I could tell more, but i doubt that anyone wants to hear it, and as i have mentioned, i have been banned from speaking about it to my family.






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