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Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?

Posted by qbsbrown on April 4, 2010, at 12:42:31

In reply to Re: Trileptal, why do you do this to me?, posted by ed_uk2010 on April 4, 2010, at 6:36:29

> >So it looks like i'm gonna be doing this taper w/o ect in the near future, plus i don't have the money for it.
> Yeah, I agree with that. You might be able to have it at some point in the future, but hopefully you won't need it.
> >It seems to me, that the mountains in california, away from people, and in nature, and doing something positive, and physical work on a farm, and not having a computer etc, might be the best thing for me.
> I do agree that you need to be away from home. I can't say whether or not being in the mountains would be the most relaxing place for you though. Only you can know that. I might go crazy without my computer!
> Getting a job is certainly what you need to do when you're feeling a bit better but I don't think now is the right time because you're not well enough yet. In a few months time you may be ready. I hope so anyway.
> How is the diazepam treating you now?
The diazepam seems to be working well now. No interdose. No depression or irritability. i was out at a movie etc last night, and the previous night out all night, and out during the day. So i think my body/brain is accepting it fine, as well as it is the lyrica. I think that the trileptal might be the only problem child, but might help the most w/ wd.

Yeah, i can not imagine life w/o a computer:)

I'd give anything for the conversations that i wake up to in the morn to stop. Waking up i the morn is horrific, I wonder if zyprexa is worth a shot,,,..i doubt it, i think that is where ect would work, cause it has slowed a bit after. EG, if I go on a date etc (ironic that i have dated like crazy during this psychosis, than I have in the past many years combined when i was really drugged up and sane LOL!), like last night, i'll wake up to having conversations with that person, not out loud, but in my head. Hence me thinking getting away from people in general might serve me well right now. I could not imagine how the conversations would run rampant if i were to get a job right now.
But just seeing images all day long of things that i can/could not do is disturbing. Simply seeinng a scene in a movie last night of people relaxing and having fun at a swimming pool, relaxing, drinking, etc, having fun, i couldn't do. Or i hear of all of my friends, just waking up, being able to exercise, do what they want, go about their lives, is tough for me to swallow not being able to do (and keep in mind, trileptal makes me view the world in a weird existential disgusting way, is why i quit it, many/most drugs do this), and not to mind, all of my past failures, in jobs, breakdowns, even in simple things like long drives, when having to pop tons of zyprexa to do so, or take tons of depakote etc just to stay alone in a hotel room alone. Honestly, who does this?

This ALL came from one infamous night 8 years ago when i had an 8 hour panic attack, and experienced severe depersonalization, and was followed by 24/7 derealization for years. My life hasn't been the same since that night. It was the derealization that got me on the klonopin. But i found that it made me depressed, irritable, watered down, glum, had to keep raising the dose, interdose, and withdrawal. Docs would say, it's not withdrawal, take this antidepressant, i'd try it, horrible reaction, it'd just make me cry and cry. The FUNNY thing is, is that at the time, i was seeking out all docs, chiropractors, neurologists, etc, anytyhing but a psychiatrist or psychologist, and i did not see a relation.

I thought i had something crazy like encephalitis or something of the sort, even basically asking my GP to order a spinal tap at the time, hhmmmm, maybe it was MS.

Funny how now, i just had a spinal tap to confirm a disease, which seemed to match up many of the same symptoms 8 years ago.

If you bother to read, i think it's easy to narrow down what the problem has been the whole time,,...the benzo.

I'm looking at back of some of my old writings and postings, these things worry me about klonopin, although i get some relief from them;

"Every time i start to feel better, i try to quit klonopin"

Tue Jul 19, 2005
And it comes back 100 percent, to the point i think im going crazy, gonna be in an insane asylum, and can't escape my head, full on panic.

When about to move to LA in 8/04

"Now what remains is anxiety, racing thoughts, watching those thoughts, not being able to get out of my head."

This was tolerance withdrawal and interdose withdrawal had already begun w/ in 2 months!

Aug 04

"I was on day 3 of cold turkey of klonopin (granted only on .5 usually) and it just hit me like a hammer. I began taking it again,"

Me in Jan 06

"Been on 1.5 for over one year. Got dumb, and tried cold turkey. Almost ended up in the hospital 3 weeks later, with symptoms across the board.
No now i've reentroduced it, and will wean. It's making me ultra depressed, and does nothing for my anxiety anymore, sugar pills."

Me in Sept 05- Seems like I knew the problem years ago if I was reaching out for this help

"Want off Klonopin!"

I've almost been on klonopin (1.5 mg daily) for almost one year.
It works well for my anxiety, but i think induces a little depression, makes me tired, and need more as i go along. And i don't want it long term.
What is the most effective weaning process? And what are the most effective supps (please include dosages).

My brain denying meds in 04, while like in seattle

Posted by qbsbrown on December 31, 2004,
I'm really fed up with the meds, my brain hates them.

Three years later, doc crossed me over from ativan to valium, i tolerated it ok, but he tried to wean me off in 1 week. And i would only feel anxiety relief for about 2 hours, and then it'd be gone.

Now i get no relief whatsoever. Am I just at a drop off point w/ benzos?

The klonopin worked this winter, but quit it after a month because of the depression/irritability it induced.

What a history!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I'm perpetually from my most recent taper, and subsequent detox and cold turkey, and it seems like it can't readjust-rearrange back into a normal brain. this is why i want more ect, it seems to help.







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