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Re: OK, I'm over my self-imposed leave... update

Posted by jealibeanz on August 18, 2006, at 0:46:56

In reply to Re: OK, I'm over my self-imposed leave... update jealibeanz, posted by Jost on August 17, 2006, at 22:44:20

Thanks for the caring and encouragement...

No, it really wasn't that hard. I should have known better. I've become more comfortable expressing problems and have grown up a lot in the few years I've been with him. In the past year gone through hell and back emotionally. I'm just one big unstable open wound at this point between him and his PA's assessments (although I'm bever treated this way, which makes it a little harder to bring up new problems).

He's the kind of guy who tremendously downplays symptoms to make the patient feel comfortable. I can actually remember the first time years ago when I told him about social anxiety (gasp! seriously still can't believe I had the guts back then as a kid!) He casually empathysized saying something about the overwhelming atmosphere I was in, which was true, and thought it would be a great idea to try Paxil.

I don't have a follow-up as of now! Hahaha... this is the trouble I got into with my first longterm trial of an AD a few years ago (awww just a child back then, had no idea of how this all worked) when I ended up quitting when my 4 months of refills of Wellbutrin were out b/c I was unhappy with my one major side effect, and lack of relief from anxiety (well, Wellbutrin doesn't help much with that anyway, but does have enough serotonin retake to blunt the emotions enough to not spiral into major depression).

This time, I think I don't have a recheck because he knows I'm going away to college 3 hours away. He actually would feel bad asking me to come back. He just tells me not to feel the need to drive down for the Xanax refills, just to call.

However, I don't feel that way! The drive is insignificant to me, considering the more appts. I have, the closer I'll get to some sort of success. I'm the type of person they need to schedule for 4-6 wk. appts no matter what!

It's those in between times where I become very unsure of my treatment (and sometimes make my own adjustments for the sake of control) and develope new issues. I do need med adjustments/new trials, but I also just need that person of authority asking/telling me that I'm doing alright and heading in the right direction, and if not, we'll work to get to a point where we are going in the right direction!

That being said, I do plan on coming back within the next 2-3 wks. I don't really think the increase from 2mg to 3 mg of Lunesta is going to do the trick, especially since the insomnia had gotten sooo very bad during the past few months(I'm actually eyeing Rozerem since it's so different). I keep telling him how much I've always loved Lunesta, until it stopped working, that is. Ha, even if Lunesta does help somewhat, I'm making an appt anyway about it.

I'm kinda up in the air as to the ADHD treatment. He said stop since it seemed to cause problems and since I have a week and a half off from school anyway. I don't know where I'm supposed to go from there. These questions don't always come to mind as I'm standing there and he didn't make it clear one way or the other.

I think that's because he's not sure, so just would like to see how my mood levels out and then address whether I need to pursue another ADHD medication and the possibility of an antidepressant if it is still an issue. I can say with quite certainty at the moment, all 3 will need to be addressed and adjusted! But like I said before, I have brought up my concerns, it's just a matter of treating them properly now.

Geez, I wonder what his reaction would be if he asked about my mood and my next appt and I told him the full truth... I'm not happy. I haven't been for a good portion of my life, on and off, since my late teens. This recent manifestation of the teary type of depression has been going on for about six months, but actually closer to a year, with the exception of my Effexor trial, which I hated, but got me out from the rock bottom state I'd hit... I've come to accept that this is one condition I'll always have. I don't expect to be happy or ever feel real pleasure or joy. I just work on acting happy b/c I want to at least live a successful life doing something I'm passionate about, even if that comes with near-suicidal (noooo plans I promise!!!!) feelings at times.

I think that would upset him. He's a very compassionate, family-oriented (great and very proud daddy to his 2 little ones-theres always and advantage to dealing with people who are good parents, in my opinion, in any situation) guy and truely wants the best for every person he comes along. Hmm... we shall see... BTW, the 3 mg of Lunesta plus extra Xanax tonight has not touched the insomnia!!!!


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Psycho-Babble Medication | Framed

poster:jealibeanz thread:677450
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20060810/msgs/677646.html