Psycho-Babble Medication | about biological treatments | Framed
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Guilt and shame of meds continued.

Posted by blueberry on April 23, 2006, at 7:28:51

Out of shame of needing medicines, I have been off for 10 weeks. A very bad scary wasted 10 weeks. I guess out of ego I wanted to see. And my doctor did too. Ego is bad. Quality of life is what matters.

For 5 years with prozac zyprexa I was basically well, scored well on a written depression screen, no sadness at all, my ongoing tinnitus was quiet enough that for 5 years I hardly ever noticed it, slept good, ate good, but I was flat, no zest, no passion, and I woke every morning with a vague unidentified feeling of dread and butterflies that would go away in a couple hours.

Without the prozac, I was more vulnerable to tinnitus increase, and depression returned. Then when the zyprexa was stopped, everything went bad. 10 weeks off, and it has been a hell of a scary ride, with depression, anxiety, fear, terror, paranoia, insomnia, anorexia, and loud tinnitus that is driving me crazy. I wake in the morning feeling insane-like. Sometimes it fades, sometimes not.

So I tell my doc I really need to get back to where I was. She says no, there are other things we can try. Zyprexa has too much diabetes risk. She says 50% of her patients develop some kind of glucose or insulin problem. But, I was never on more than 5mg. I personally do not think 2.5mg or 5mg carries a high risk especially if following a careful anti-diabetes diet. According to glucose meter tests I take each morning, and according to an endo specialist, I am fine after 5 years. (during that time I also took st johns wort for 3 months, which, unknown to me at the time, increases zyprexa blood levels by 300%, so I was actually taking 15mg for a while and didn't know it, still no damage.)

So she tried me on other stuff. No matter what I try...ssri, snri, seroquel, various amino acids...they all dramatically increase the insane-like paranoia and dramatically increase the ringing in my ears. The prozac zyprexa combo somehow blocked those things from happening.

So I am at a crossroads. Can't stay where I am.

Even if I do restart, it will be scary. I am so fragile now. I went from 142 pounds to 132 pounds, and I'm 6' tall. Not good. Even miniscule doses feel super powerful, and there is no guarantee that what worked once will work again. Almost anything I try, including prozac or zyprexa, will almost surely deepen my depression and/or anxiety before things get better. Tinnitus will also increase before it fades back to where it was. This is a scary place to be. I wish I could turn back the clock and just be where I was. It would have been much easier to build upon where I was.

My doc says I really don't fit into the depression, bipolar, or anxiety categories. She says I fall somewhere in the broad spectrum of schizo-affective disorders. She says you do not have to have hallucinations or hear voices to be schizoaffective. So that is one thing we both agree on. So why no zyprexa? She says because a recent study showed that antipsychotics only work for about a year, and then patients flip out again. I don't know, I was fine for 5 years.

I believe medicines that are available are important for those who are very ill. Ego is not a good thing to get in the way of using them. Just my opinion and my experience.




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