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Re: Holding up only for my family, and failing

Posted by musil on February 21, 2005, at 9:18:47

In reply to Re: Holding up only for my family, and failing, posted by banga on February 21, 2005, at 7:36:39

I am really only staying alive for my family: 4 people whose lives would be impacted adversely if I died. My wife would be consumed by anger at me and grief, my father wouldn't be able to enjoy his retirement (earned at my expense, I might add, by ignoring me, but hey, he's all I've got) and my boys, to whom I owe a live father. I find it hard to believe that a live but depressive paternal figure is better than an absent one, especially well screw it. I've had enough of this self-indulgent chatter and I hate myself more than ever for clicking "Submit your post".

Been in true analysis with one of the last remaining subscribers of the couch -- he's the only one who will write me meds without argument since this place is full of benzophobes and addictophobics (like on Family Guy, when the pharmacist claims he was addicted to antihistimines for a week) but my analyst (H.) scares me sometimes because he's at least 65 and he has no peer review. He categorizes himself as a rebel analyst with his own practice and his own technique, which is based on personal responsibility, proportionality and gradual changes in biochemistry through analysis. He believes that all illegal drugs should be legalized, including all Prescription meds that are typically addictive.

H. shows an obvious hatred toward all pharmaceutical companies, and therefore, as he hands me an Rx, he says "I doubt this will work, it's hardly more effective than placebo" when I need all the placebo effect I can get.

I'd really like to attempt Remeron, but it doesn't really matter to me at this point because my immune system is so shot from years of depression (or, is it the other way around?) and I'm so physically sick from the influenza, which of course turned into a bacterial infection of some sort, leading me to Zithromax and then Augmentin, and my liver feels like it's swollen, and all my lymph nodes are swollen, and my entire robust health went down the tubes 7 years ago when I had an atypical glandular fever (not Epstein Barr) that dropped me like a rock for 16 weeks after which I was never the same: depression, lymph nodes swollen, lethargy, pneumonia 4 times per year, and an analyst who just stares at me and says that the only cure is 5 days per week on the couch will change the microarchitecture of my brain. I like H. well enough, but he's frankly old and grumpy and f*rts a lot and charges $250/hour and grumbles about pharmaceutical companies constantly at least 15 minutes per session. Problem is, he's the best I can get around here.




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