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help me!

Posted by jerimycoplo on February 26, 2004, at 23:37:28

I would like to see what advice/comments people have regarding this issue I have.
To begin I have to describe my problem. I suffer from OCD and social anxiety disorder, but this is on top of this (or along side it). It makes my life a nightmare.
I am just 5 7 and done growing and when i don't lift heavily i have a pretty weak built (not very muscular). I have always felt inferior to other people (especially guys) because they are taller and more muscular. In highschool , I started lifting serisouly and when I lift 2-3 hours daily I can get decently muscular. When I lift like that and become bigger my life changes: I am able to assert myself, talk to people, be good at basketball and meet women. However, it is hard to lift 2-3 a day always. I am busy with school and such. When I don't lift and become less musclular, I become a different person- literally. I cannot play basketball anymore (not because I don't have skills, but because I just feel like les of a man then the other guys on the court and I cannot assert myself and feel miserable), i stop being able to talk to people I established good relationships with when I was more muscluar and lifting, i stop being able to pretty much have any confidence in ANY ASPECT OF MY LIFE - JUST BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE LESS OF A GUY.
Talk theraphy does not do anything for me and the ocd and anxiety meds don't help with this either.
My therapist said I have some sort of an inferiority complex because I feel like I need to make up for being shorter then the average guy, by being more muscular. But this is not just some slight inferiority runs my life.
When I dont lift I cannot believe how shitty I perform at everything. I am unable to continue friendships with people b/c i start acting abnormal since i feel inferior to them, i am not able to play basketball anymore (from one being a good player, I become a mess, people don't even pas me the ball anymore), I can't assert mylsef in class, job ANYWHERE---my life becomes completely ruined...when i am not musclular...
I know it sounds nuts, but it is the absolute truth and probably still an understatement of how powerful my inferiority complex is.
My pdoc said that as i get older it will get better etc. (other things will replace it), BUT HENESLTY it has been getting worse. I really don't believe that I will ever get over it UNLESS they come up with some sort of gene theraphy that makes you more muscular w/o lifting 3 hours a day.
As of right now, I live 'in the gym', one day at a time, liftin 3-4 hours day and taking countless supplements to keep my normally scrawny build in a more muscular shape...
When ever I don't work out for a months or two and revert to my original skinny self, my life just CRASHES. Yesterday, I felt like crying in the middle of a basketball game, seeing myself not able to play anymore just because I feel like I am too skinny for a guy andf therefore not doing what I am capable off....
I just walked off the floor in the middle of a game and went home and spent the next 2 days in my room....the solution? start lifting heavily again (i had stopped lifting due to a busy school shedule for 2 months)...
I feel like I have to live with this curse: I can be the person who I am capable of being if I lift, but if I don't my life goes down the drain and I am a total looser.
I cannot OVEREMPHASIZE how serious I am about this: when I am not as muscular as I am when i lift 3-4 every day and take tons of supplements, I REALLY HONESTLY start becoming incompetent at everyting (even at things I am normally skilled at), not because of my skill, BUT BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE AN INFERIOR HUMAN BEING/MAN BECAUSE I AM SHORT AND ALSO NOT MUSCULAR....
any comments/advice would be welcome......
sorry for being so long.
btw. i am on paxil and it controls my ocd and social anxiety just fine...this problem is on top of those...and separate from them as far as i can tell.




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