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Re: Resurect'g Pleasers w/men who are Cont?YG KDI KimberlyDi

Posted by mercedes on July 24, 2003, at 18:21:14

In reply to Re: Are we all Pleasers w/men who are Controllers? Yankeegirl, posted by KimberlyDi on July 21, 2003, at 16:03:20

I just had to go back and resurrect this subject, specially since I was interested in KDI's comment referred to in my previous note. And Yankee girl, I don't know why I didn't respond to you then. Maybe cuz I'm not in that situaltion anymore, or am I.......psycologically?

Yes, I too was a pleaser (subserviant wifey) w/a controlling, abusive husband. Fortunatly, I got out of the marriage after only three years AND a life sentence from his belittling me, degrading me, making me feel inadequate, not pretty enough, skinny enough, you name it, I wasn't it. This was over 20 years ago. I look at pictures of that era and I was a raving beauty-really! But did I feel that way - absolutly not.

I couldn't talk to my family about his abusiveness both physically and emotionally. I was brought up the old fashioned way, married till death do you part. Well, this was another time I had thoughts of suicide. Till Death do us part? ok, I can fix that. I actually had a gun pointed at my temple 2 separate times but my relegious beliefs kept me from pulling the trigger. I worked and he never so much as boiled water let alone help around the house. He never hit me in the face but he would pull my hair and throw me accross the room. My scalp would bleed and tons of hair came off. Next day I'd go to work and just moving my eyebrows would hurt so bad. Once I had to work on Sat and he didn't. He waited till I got home so's I could make him a sandwich. I guess I had a hair up my a** and said, make it yourself. I didn't quite get past the front door when he kicked me in the knee, threw me accross the room from my hair, had his finger in my face, "you're going to do as I say!". I wish I'd known about arsenic then, I would have loved to make him a bolony and arsenic sandwich. I culdn't walk for about two weeks but I made it to work. Oh yea, had to.

We separated once in those three years but got back together, with the "sorry's" and "I'll never do it again" shit. Peace of crap sentences that meant nothing. Actually it meant, come back to me, so's you can clean the house, buy the food you are going to cook for me, so's you can work so's I can buy big ol tires for my truck, cook for me again, have sex when I want it, let me degrade you some more, and when I want, I can hit you and beat you so's I can feel like a MAN! Tan-ta-rraa! (Fuc**r!).

Thanks to my mom-n-law, I left him for good after 3 yrs and a life sentence of feeling that I was no good, not worth being treated good. I met "good" men in my late 20's and 30's. Had long lasting relationships. But I guess my motto was, treat me good and I leave you eventually, treat me bad and I'll stay around longer.

My WANT AD for a man would read "Man wanted, preferably in a walker, so's if yu get ruf with me, I'll just kick your walker over."

Anyway, when did I start with my anxiety, PTSD, depression, not being social, agoraphobic? No, not after being raped, no, not while being married, no, not after adopting two "older 6 & 9" boys that degraded me, verbally abused me and one even put me in the DCS court system....(More on that later). Musta been from childhood, cause I had mean dad and a subserviant mom. God bless them, they are both deceased and I hold no anger towards them although I did at one time.

One of my boy's therapists once told me that I choose the men in my life cause I've been trying to find the man (or kid's) that my dad wasn't. Make sense? Oh, guess I have to tell about my childhood, which I can hardly remember having one. And that my dad commited suicide, or "completed" f'n suicide, whatever. That's been my excuse when I think of doing it, It runs in the family...HA!

I'm exhausted!

mercedes

********************************
> YankeeGirl,
> You seem remarkably self-aware of what's bothering you for someone that hasn't been to counseling yet. That's a plus. I am with a Controlling man. We work together, carpool together, live together, sleep together. I insist on taking my baths alone. My husband was the main force driving me to treatment. Fear. The weaker I am, the more abusive he gets. I had to get my act together to protect myself. He's not sure what to think about the new me.
> KDi in Texas
>
> > I've been on Effexor for about 4 weeks, but haven't had any counseling from the physchiatrist yet, and I go over the phych testing tomorrow, so I haven't had a chance to talk about my issues yet. When my child graduated high school in 2000 I thought "now I'll have more time to..." and I could not remember for the life of me what it was I used to like to do. Last month my baby graduated and I think my reaction was "I spent 24 years raising them, did a great job in spite of how stressful and overwhelming it was, and now can collapse. One afternoon, I was distraught and agonizing and crying over the thought of having to make dinner. When I added that to the realization that I had no identity anymore, that I had gradually given up pieces of myself to make my husband happy, who critized everything I ever did, that is when I realized I needed help. I've been reading a book by Dr. Kevin Leman called "The Pleasers - Women Who Can't Say No - And the Men Who Control Them (sorry Dr. Bob I don't know how to do that highlighting thing). This post is long enough without going into more details. I'm wondering ---- how many of you see yourselves in this same situation with a controlling man????? Yankeegirl
>
>


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URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030723/msgs/244971.html