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Re: Nightmare posts » mysteryroad

Posted by bretbe on June 7, 2003, at 22:19:57

In reply to Nightmare posts, posted by mysteryroad on June 5, 2003, at 7:49:53

I feel your pain! (see below...symptoms have slightly lessened on occasion, otherwise same as 16 freakin years ago)

Medication Trials Overview (in chronological order of use)
Prozac & Zanax
Imipramine & Valium
Pamelor (Nortryptaline)
Prozac at higher doses
Prozac at lower doses & Desyrel
Nardil (MAOI)
Mellaril (anti-psychotic)
Mellaril & Depakote & Klonopin (Clonazepam)
Luvox & Mellaril & Clonazepam
Clonazepam only
Serzone & Clonazapam
Ritalin (Amphetamine) & Clonazepam
Luvox at higher levels & Clonazepam
Remeron (SSRI/NARI) & Clonazepam
Tegretol & Clonazepam
Lamictal & Clonazepam
Depakote & Clonazepam
Trileptal & Clonazepam

Onset August 1987 (age 19) – ORIGINAL SYMPTOMS:
1. Extreme psychological pain; hurts like a physical pain in head and chest areas, as if located where feelings and emotions used to reside. Pain is inescapable, analogous to how nausea engulfs head and overwhelms, but one can’t point to a specific point of pain. (Nausea is just an analogy, I don’t feel nauseous, it’s just that there is an intense pain in the same area one would feel nausea, i.e., the general area in and around head).
2. Intense mental anxiety with no corresponding physiological manifestations (e.g., no heart dysrhythmia, muscle tension, clammy hands, panicky feeling, etc.). Some periods of heightened irritability but seem to stem from difficulty of managing the feeling of chronic pain and misery. Note: I am very adept at appearing “normal” to others on the outside, regardless of how I feel on the inside; people don’t “see” my pain.
3. Extreme depression. Regularly pray to die to escape pain, not because I want to hurt myself. Too afraid of Hell to commit suicide. Feelings of anguish, despair, impending doom and gloom, as if world was about to end or that my sins are just too great (I wished the world would end to stop my torment/misery)
4. Extreme feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Constantly ruminating about small mistakes, faults, imperfections or weaknesses, even though I have been a decent human being without many of the normal trappings of youth (e.g., no alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.). Compulsive need to confess sins as if to purge myself of the pain which I believed to be brought on by my wickedness. It’s like the guilt “switch” got turned on and I can’t turn it off.
5. A feeling as if I was in a different world; like I was seeing life from behind a wall of glass…detached…like a cloud or thickness over head. No normal feelings of connection with the world (e.g., see a sunset and recognize as aesthetically beautiful, but no corresponding feeling/emotional response). No ability to feel calm, peace, or warmth; constant internal mental pain/anxiety. No ability for mental rest (subjective feeling of tension/pressure in head). Only escape is sleep…initially feel slightly better in morning. Yet often dream with the same feeling…unconsciousness is only true escape.
6. Some fear that others can see how sick I am on the inside and at the same time, thinking no one will believe me if I tried to explain it. NOTE: I often thought to myself that this was the most bizarre pain and with which no one else in the world could possibly relate to or be suffering from; I felt totally alone. It did not feel possible to be in more pain and still exist; my head would have to explode or something; in fact, I often wished to be able to pass out so I didn’t have to endure the pain…no such luck!




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