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If only it were just withdrawal oona

Posted by BarbaraCat on January 22, 2003, at 13:40:06

In reply to Re: withdrawal symptoms coming off zoloft BarbaraCat, posted by oona on January 21, 2003, at 22:03:04

Dear Oona,
Your lovely message was very needed right at this moment. Thanks for the encouragement to move through it one moment at a time. Yes, I would so welcome being able to just rest, be taken care of, have my tense and hurting body lovingly pampered, soothed and attended to, a wise teacher present to offer words of wisdom and experience, loving friends nearby, clean lace-edged sheets and fluffy comforters and a big oak bed with carvings of leafs and flowers to rest upon. With the knowledge that there is enough money to take care of things while I heal, that my cats and husband are looked after and doing well, that a wonderful fulfilling job is waiting for me when I emerge from this tranquil place of restoring, that my home will be kept up and clean when I return to it, bills and taxes paid with food in the fridge. Yes, this image sustains me.

Last night I had yet another frightening shock that I had been anticipating. As you probably know, my Mother died suddenly last month after being hit by a car while out walking. Too much to do across country to get all worked out and the house ready for showing in 9 days left me already in grief and depletion. I had been having terrible premonitions all this past weekend that something was wrong, pacing, distracted, something terribly wrong. Dreams of fire, explosion, bombings. I have many prescient feelings that I've learned to trust because 90% of the time when this strong, they are right. But I've been through so much lately that I don't know what is personal trauma, world terror, paranoia, or true premonition anymore. I'm in a state of shock and not tracking very well. Add to this my failing thyroid and our very serious financial situation and the fact that my husband's father was recently diagnosed with cancerous lymphoma and his Mom with alzheimers. He's got his own traumas, is emotionally paralyzed and can't manage to even look for work much less handle my traumas.

It turns out that during an open house over the weekend, someone had turned on all the knobs on the gas range and gas was literally pouring throughout the house all weekend. All it would have taken for a massive explosion was a single spark, a lit match. Thank the good God that someone smelled it on the street and had a neighbor break in, call the file deparment, full catastrophe garmented workers with gas masks entered and turned everything off. This could pose problems because it's very cold back there and some hot water heater gas is necessary to prevent pipes from bursting, although now at least the gas range and oven is decommissioned. There is some saturation and we don't know how much damage, being 3,500 miles away. So much can happen while the house is empty and we are so far away that all I can do is envision light around it and pray for it's protection.

I've been feeling that there is some evil energy at work, that some strange darkness is vying for my life force, as well as so many other's. This has gone beyond the fears engendered by depression. Tangible disastrous events are a reality in my life and not the product of a broken brain. There has simply been too much and I'm at a loss as to how to cope.

I now realize that I must come to a place of surrender in all things and learn to trust. That is my supreme life lesson, and it is HARD. We have no jobs, at the end of our savings and retirement, my thyroid is failing, the shock of my Mom's death, losing my childhood home and never being able to return to the place of my roots, isolated here in a small town where we have no close friends, and the quiet land sanctuary surrounding our home posed for destruction and development which could begin at any moment. But although I don't know as yet how to trust and surrender to this frightening picture, I at least know that I WANT to release my death grip of fearing yet more loss. That will have to be a start, I don't know how else to proceed. Like you, I have no hope in any new medication. The only medication that offers relief is one that would render me unconscious for a few months, and I can't afford that right now, too much to do even though running on empty. This has to be dealt with in a different way, but the path is obscured. I think about Frodo setting out on his journey, "I will take the Ring, although I do not know the way." Love and blessings and comfort to you as well. - Barbara

> Hi Barbara and this for Mary too..
> Sometimes we have to get by one day at a time, one hour at a time or even 1 minute at a time...I don't want to try another med right now and have to go thru all the side effects again. I would love to just stop taking all of the meds and try the holistic way but have to stay on an even keel to get to work every day and hell would probably break loose without close watch. But wouldnt it be neat to have enough money to go away to one of those fancy spas and just sweat it all out and have someone take care of you for a long while and maybe even an Indian Shaman to give you magic herbs that would cure you and chase away the evil spirits.
> Well, back to reality. I guess the one day at a time will have to suffice until something better comes along.
> peace,
> paula




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