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Re: Downtime-- Please Describe More IsoM

Posted by Sarahmarie on May 27, 2002, at 13:16:42

In reply to Re: Downtime-- Please Describe More Sarahmarie, posted by IsoM on May 27, 2002, at 12:29:17

I slept in late this morning probably because of the meds I took yesterday. In any event I am finally up and its 10:30 a.m. my time.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and Obssessive Compulsive Disorder as my Axis I, however, I am having a very diffcult time accepting the Axis II diagnosis -- of Borderline Personality Disorder. I read a lot about that a week ago and I just don't have the anger part or the severe abandonment issues and a few other traits I can't think of off the top of my head. My pdoc thinks I have been depressed most of my life including during my childhood. I had a very difficult childhood which I survived only to marry into an abusive relationship in which I was raped and my children were sexually abused. I have been divorced now for 12 years and I have been working very hard on trying to get out of this depressive state. I was tried on many different medications, on some I had severe side effects and with others they just did not work. In 1999 I saw a psychiatris who was doing her residency at a very prominent University in my city. At that time I was on a very low dose of Prozac - 20 mg., a high dose of trazadone 200 mg. She gradually increased my Prozac over the next few months until I was at 80 mg. The Trazadone got reduced to 50 mg. The change was lik a miracle for me. I was able to finish my bachelor's degree and actually start working on making choices that solved a lot of the everyday dilemmas that got me down. I only had her for six months and by this time I had a new job (as a result of my graduation), so my insurance changed. I had had the same therapist off and on since 1989 and she is my current therapist. Late in 2000 and early 2001 I had a relapse with my depression. The prozac was bumped up to 100 mg and then 120 mg. (partly because of the OCD) I was doing okay but not as good as I had been when I first went to 80 mg. Prozac. I had a lot of financial stressors and had been supporting my youngest son, his wife and their baby. That was an overwhelming experience for me financially and in September of 2001 for my own sanity I asked my son to move out. He had 3 jobs while he was living with me and when he quit the 3rd job for no reason, I totally lost it. My migraines got worse, more frequent, etc. Since he left my depression would improve somewhat but I just didn't get really well. My pdoc did serum levels on me and said that I really metabolized the medication quickly by the end of 2001 I was up to 140 mg. Prozac but severely depression to the point of being suicidal. I did some research thanks to this site and learned that doctors do prescribe doses in the range of 160 - 200 mg. particularly if OCD is part of the problem. I have been at 180 mg for about three weeks and I am doing great. Occassionally I have what I call sad times, which sometimes I can explain and sometimes not. Yesterday was one of those days -- I spent some time visiting a friend who lives 2 hours from me and we were talking about her sister who has had manic-depression and Bipolar for years. I asked Eileen what her actual diagnosis was and she told me Borderline Personality Disorder. I started thinking more about that and compared myself to her as I have met her at many family functions. I am not like her. She also has major panic attacks forcing her to get off the bus and wait until she can get on another bus to get to her destination. For me, thinking that I have Borderline Personality disorder on top of everything else just spirals me into depression. And that's what happened yesterday. I still have migraines which require shots of demerol or morphine to get under control-- usually every 6 weeks or less. This time I have only had a few "baby" migraines and have not gone to the E.R.

These are my medications: 180 mg. Prozac, Lorazepam 1 mg. 3x a day and 50 mg. of Trazadone for sleep. I am feeling somewhat better today and have decided to try and do something nice for myself today. I can't say that I am on top of the world, but I am hopeful. I hate spiraling into the depressive states because it feels so hopeless. I hope this helps. Thanks for wanting to know more. This board has made a huge difference over the last few months of my major relapse. I am so thankful for all the input from those on the board. I am sorry this is so long. I hope I have not bored you.





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