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Re: To KATH from me..

Posted by kerryB on July 18, 2000, at 18:30:02

In reply to To KERRY B. from me.., posted by Kath on July 17, 2000, at 20:02:06

> > > Hi Kerry- I read elsewhere that your med Z-----is really helping. I'm so extremely glad for you. Do take care. Hope you have a nice weekend.
> > >
> > > Hugs, Kath
> >
> >
> > Hi Kath!
> > Thankz for your well wishes. Yes it has been a long haul for me, well it seems that way, but finally, they have given me the right combination and I feel really great for a change. That's why I'm into everything at the moment, painting etc.
> > How is everything with you and your family? Hope your daughter is still doing well on her meds!!
> > The trick is, to stay on them even if you feel you are better!!!!! It doesn't take long to get back to square one when you stop them for a while!!!
> > I got you last post this-morning but I had to go to work and didn't have time to reply! I'm still dirty about having my free day taken away from me, but, I'll get over it just like I do with everything else.
> > I bought myself an Aromatherapy Teddy today. He comes with a bottle of nice smelling oil and you put a few drops on him and cuddle him when you go to bed. Don't know how hubby"s going to take to that hahaha!!!! It sounded like a nice idea and IT IS something for myself!!!
> > How is your son? It must of been so sad to hear him crying to himself!!!! It sounds to me like he knows exactly what situation he is in, but has no control over it, do you think? He is starting to sound like he is going to break soon, for the better I mean as I think he won't be able to last this out much longer. If only he would go to see the cousellor or someone he feels comfortable with and talk it all out of his system. It would take a few visits but it's what he needs.
> > I was just thinking today, looking and observing my children that they always have to be the centre of attention. Even when you, the mother, are atlking or trying to get something done, they expect you to drop everything because they think they come first. Selfish, self-centred, I can also say that about my 18 yr old when he stayed here. He'd expect me to drop everything and drive him to the station or pick him up from there after work & so on!
> > Just a thought, but maybe your son is now seeing that he is not the centre of attention (the way he was in his eyes) and maybe he's sorry for everything. Maybe he wants it to be how it used to be but feels helpless to do anything or he's afraid.
> > I reckon if he could find someone he trusts and gets along with, he would open up to them and get help, the beginning of a new, fresh existance for him but the trouble is finding that someone.
> > I know myself, I find it very hard to talk to someone, meaning a therapist or counsellor if they seem too dominating, and to authoritive? I have to have someone that looks cool and talks on my level and after that I can feel an instant connection with them I hate to think how many I have had over the past five years, but finally, I've hit the jackpot!
> > I don't know if I'm making sense!
> > To have him living back in the house there are certainly things you must consider, but you could sit down with him, sort of like a "family conference" and discuss with him what you have in mind but until he puts something into practice then it will stay as it is. If he gets a job and sticks to it, sure, have him back and put the past behind, like a new beginning, that way he will fell more at ease. You never know, maybe he has had some bad experiences during this time that he would rather forget.
> > I think it's terrific your hubby has stood by you through all this. There aren't many men out there these days that would do that!!!! He must really love you and I think that's so wonderful!!!!!
> > Did I tell you about my appointment with the post trauma thing, well she is so lovely and I can really talk to her so that's something else that's a bonus for me. Got to go back next week again but I want to, I want to help myself!!
> > Anyway Kath, just got home from work and have to feed the hungry tribe!!!!!
> > Take things easy and a day at a time and I hope things will improve until the next time you write. Oh & thankz for your mail ad, maybe next time I will write on there, more personal that way!!! Hear from you soon!!!!
> >
> > Kerry B
> Hi Kerry, Good to hear from you. I'm sooo glad you like your post traumatic counsellor. It means so much to find someone to talk to & get help from. Good for you, that you want to help yourself & are willing to forge ahead with that, and also that you treated yourself to the cuddly, sweet Teddy bear. What a nice idea - let me know what your husband thought of it! - Maybe he'll want one too ;-) Let me know how you feel after your appointment (post stress) next week.
> Today, I had an appt with my a psych. who I've been seeing. She originally saw my son & today my son went with me & we saw her each separately & then together. It gave him a chance to spout off. He said (or yelled & swore) several things: he wants to "see some of the support money", he is not coming back because he hates the rules & doesn't want to live by rules (the one he seems to hate most is not being to take off overnight or for however long he wants to & not let us know he's safe), he thinks we want him to come crawling back & he's not going to (I told him that we'd told him the conditions for coming back & we don't want him to come crawling back, we want him to decide what he needs to do), he might go out to B.C. & stay with his bio-Dad & if he does he will NOT be coming back (I told him that if that's what he wants to do he should look into it), & various other things scattered with a bunch of "You don't know Jack-Shit about me"...various F--- this & F--- that's, etc. This psych. is an East Indian lady, very gentle & genteel & nice & totally accepted him, language & all without batting an eyelid. She works with adolescents at a Toronto troubled-kids centre, so I guess she hears it all! My son really got alot of feelings out & alot of anger aired. She said he was welcome to come back & he assured her he wouldn't be coming back. She just reiterated that he was welcome, should he decide to. She's pretty nifty the way she handles things. He did say that he liked working with our family worker better & the psych said she was glad that he liked working with the family worker & maybe that could be arranged. He said he didn't want to right now. You know, I really don't think we'll be able to work out a way for him to come back in in the near future, because he is adamant that he does NOT WANT RULES!!!!! He says "I'm adult - I'm 16 & there don't need to be rules!!!" He is really decided on that. And we DO need some rules, so maybe he needs to find somewhere to live where there AREN"T rules????? I guess it's up to him to figure that part out.
> Kids do seem so self-centred. I guess it's part of being a kid. When we came out he was pretty cheerful & I felt totally sh*ty. I said "you seem to be feeling pretty good; I feel like I've been hit over the head!" & he said "you should get stuff out in there Mom!"
> Oh ya - & then he said in the appt. "why don't you just really kick me out? Or not kick me out?" I discussed it later this aft' with my family doctor, who said that if I need a bit of time before I say "you can't be on our property if you aren't planning to come back into the house" that's fine. I'm trying to do what I feel right with & I'm getting closer to knowing exactly what that is.
> I appreciate your caring & your comments. Sometimes they help me get on the right track, or simply support me. As you say, my husband is one in a million. I'm very happy with him & he's sure "there for me" & supportive.
> On Tuesday, do your kids go back to school full-time? I'm so happy you bought the aromatherapy bear for yourself...shows you're on the right track to Taking Care of YOU. Congrats.
> Going to close for now. Thinking of ya'
> Hugs, Kath

Hi there Kath,
Glad to hear from you!!! My teddy bear works wonders! He smells sooooo nice that I fall straight to sleep. You put a couple of drops of rose oil on him, put him next to you and whammo! you're in the land of nod!! I'd recommend it to anyone with sleeping disorders.
Reading through your post, it must be horrible for you to see this other side of your son come out, for eg. with the psych. It sounds as though it was good for your son as he got alot of his chest but how can they think that they can just do as they please while they are under your roof?
Sounds like some sort of rebellion against authority there. I also think hormones have alot to do with it as they rum rampant during the teen years so we have to give him some credit for that.
Sixteen is by no means an adult nor eighteen, try 21 maybe?
Your story reminds me of what my sister-in-law went through with her 16 yr old daughter (she is now 21), but the daughter went haywire, drugs and not coming home and really treating her parents, mainly the mother like s___! She dropped out of school, hung round with the wrong crowd, her mother ended up seeing a psych as she couldn't take it any more and then finally, packed her daughters things and kicked her out of the house.
The daughter thought it was "cool" at first, she was virtually living in the street if she couldn't go to a friends house and this went on for a long time. In between, her mother would meet her and have a coffee with her but that was all and to cut a long story short, the daugther eventually saw how horrible her life was, got her act together, found a job and now she is the most sweetest girl you could meet with alot of knowledge in her head. I spoke to her not long ago about her ordeal back then and she said how stupid she was and how she regrets having to have gone through all of that!
So Kath, it will not last forever! There is a light at the end of the tunnel and if it means you have to virtually kick him out (for your sanities sake) well that is the price he has to pay for being so smug and once again, thinking he is in control whereas he is not.
I don't know why teenagers think they know everything!!!!! Maybe he thinks if he goes to live with his bio-dad, things will be easier for him. Would his bio-dad put up with his behaviour?
Your son sounds quite confused about what he wants. He wants comforts but for free and he wants to please himself at the same time which is really, having everyone concerned working around him and his timetable. Life doesn't work like that!!!!
As you said there has to be RULES!!! When people live together under the same roof, there are always rules to abide by, that is what makes a family work, rules and love! Maybe he should go back to the family worker and see if he can sort himself out that way. Get some of this turmoil out of himself, because if one is confused and doesn't quite know which way to turn, talking about it out loud helps. You gradually start to put pieces together and then you can see where you're coming from. I would encourage him to do that if he got on well with them.
Your psych sounds lovely also. We all need someone to talk to, someone neutral where we can voice ourselves and know we are not being judged.
Is he still sleeping on the patio? He can't be happy like that!! Stick to your decision Kath, it may hurt for a while but as they say "no pain, no gain" and I strongly believe in that!!!!!
I really feel for you and Hubby too!!!!
Just keep getting all the support YOU need. Your son is quite alright, kids always are, they have their network of friends or whoever but you need all the support you can get and if whatever you feel right about doing, decision wise, do it! You are the adult, you are his mother and no kid has the right to put any parent through this. You have given him your life so don't let him abuse that wonderful sacrifice you have given him!!
One day he will have his own kids and when he goes through it with them, he will reflect and think wow, did I put my family through that!!!!!
Hang in there Kath, I'm on your side. Wish I was there to give you a big hug and make you a nice cup of tea and tell you to sit down and put your feet up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One more thought, If you back down now, he will think he's won and if he thinks he's won, he will walk all over you. I don't want to go through this teenage stuff! I feel like I am now with my 10 yr old, everything is a battle with him whereas I'm the sort of person that likes peace, but I'm heading into the storm and I'll be writing to you for advice!!!!hahaha
Well Kath, It's quiet here at the moment, the kids have gone to scool not long ago so I shall tidy up and then.........I don't know.....
GET THAT BOOK!!!!!!That is rule number one hahaha!
Well gotta go, take things easy and I am thinking of you!!!!!!!
Bye for Now,




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