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anorexia experiences

Posted by juniper on May 16, 2000, at 23:08:37

In reply to To Tina: Dealing with Anorexic Friend, posted by Aylese on May 16, 2000, at 18:15:23

Funny that this thread should spiral into the topic of anorexia...i became anorexic around the age of 13, and was strictly so until around 18. my weight at its lowest was a bit under 70 pounds (i am 5'5"). from anorexia i graduated (?) to bulimia and then to binge eating, becoming what outwardly looked to be a healthy weight, especially since i tend to be quite muscular. i still binge, but not nearly as much as i used to, and it is not the distressing occurance it used to be when i felt completely out of control. my binging all but stops now when i am in a positive environment, which happened to be the case for me during the last 2 months as i was traveling and having wonderful experiences in central america. coming home, i realize now i lost almost 15 pounds...through not binging and just the business of traveling.
this has placed me in a curious position....i would not be considered too thin now, and i believe that i like the way my new weight looks on me, but it is discomforting to look in the mirror and see my face and body closer to what i had looked like when anorexic. i have no inklings that i may once again fall into this, but it is an odd position to be in, where the very feel of my body as i take a bath (for instance) reminds me slightly of how it felt to bathe when i was so thin----bathtubs and bones don't work well together. of course the feeling runs deeper than physical, and i am also detatchedly remembering the self anger, hatred, and depression that so characterized me then. i do not feel to be falling back into it, but the situation leaves me pensive and introspective.
since i was anorexic, which most people in my life know, as it was painfully obvious for many years (most do not know of the bulimia or binge eating as this is easier to hide), i am often asked what should be done about friends or daughters or sisters who are anorexic. i hate that i cannot give any sort of coherant answer. however, i do remember fighting so hard to remain in control, especially not to be committed to the hospital, but also secretly longing for someone to come along and stand up to my paper thin facade, to just tell me that i was not going to call the shots anymore, remove all choice from the matter, and take over. ideally this would have been what my parents did, or what any anorexic's parents would do, but my parents hadn't the faintest idea what was happening and they were scared.
aylese----in my opinion you sound like you are doing the best thing for both yourself and your friend. while persistance and empathy can be wonderful, they can also make you an enabler. bravo on taking care of yourself and trying to get your friend back into therapy. good luck to you both.





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