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Re: Feeling hopeless

Posted by dove on February 25, 2000, at 10:17:55

In reply to Feeling hopeless, posted by Ellen on February 25, 2000, at 7:28:19

There are no boring posts in babble-land. The board is here for your support. We want you to babble, babble your heart out. We're here and we're listening. You are not alone, even though you may feel like you are. Manic depression is a tough cycle, maybe a hellish cycle would be a more accurate description. Hopelessness is a very difficult emotion to combat, mostly because the prime feature of hopelessness is... feeling hopeless. It's like seeing today as the rest of tomorrow, seeing yesterday like it has been all your life, yesterday, today and tomorrow. But it's not. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, just need to get the blinders off your eyes. But that's harder than it sounds, as we all know.

Pushing away the ones you love, like your husband, is not unusual, it's very understandable. In a way, it's protecting them from the darkness within, you know what I mean? Sometimes it hurts so much, that to let the loved one in, you feel like you're self-destructing, collapsing, imploding. Keeping that distance insulates, but it doesn't heal. Sometimes, the only way to get help and get out of the hopelessness is to open up, to let the hurt hang out all over.

You need to reach out, reach through the pain and the darkness, reach past the danger. I have done the same to my husband, and he wasn't all that understanding. In fact, he was hurt by my behavior. I would try to tell him what was wrong with me, and I would stand there looking at the floor, silent. He tried to hug me, I stood there unmoving, refusing to soften, pain and fear, and hopelessness. I would open my mouth to speak, to talk, and all that would come out is babble, and tears, sobbing. I couldn't form a sentence, I couldn't say anything more than, "I can't go on" and "I don't know what to do." I was like a record with a scratch, that just kept getting hung up in that one spot, I couldn't move forward or back, just hanging out in no-man's land, oblivion.

The hopeless feelings almost numb the heart, enabling one to find even more reasons why they don't matter, why they don't belong on this earth. You have to open up, even though it might feel like it will annihilate you. Don't let the hopelessness lie to you, there is a tomorrow and it won't be like yesterday. Please know that we care about you. You have our thoughts and prayers. And if you care to babble, we would be honored to read and share in your thoughts and feelings. Many of us have been there, and many of us haven't, but all of babble-land still cares about you.

You are with like company, feel free to let it all hang-out. Hugs to you.





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