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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Yesterday morning my T was trying to get me to talk about my mom and her, and all the feelings that I have. It's really really really hard for me to talk about my feelings, *especially* when they have to do with her. Anyhow, after many moments of silence, I began to cry. I didn't know where the tears were coming from, but she told me that I didn't have to know, I just had to let myself feel. So, I cried (btw, I haven't cried all that much in front of my T, so this was a little bit of a break thru for me), and our time was up all too quickly. She asked me if I could journal, and I said I would. I left her office feeling emotionally drained.
The rest of the day was stressful, I had to speak with my old and current insurance companies about my psychiatric care. Also I had my first day of school. It was good, but I know it's going to be a tough year with working full time AND going to school full time.
I didn't get enough sleep last night. I woke up too early, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I started to clean my apartment, but had to stop because my mind began to race and race around and around and around. I wasn't thinking straight, or at all. So I collapsed on my bed. I actually let myself cry. I held myself. I held my pillow like a toddler holds their teddy bear. I just cried. I feel like crying now. I just want a mom, I want MY mom, but she is gravely disabled due to mental illness. It's sad. I'm sad. I feel really depressed right now.
I might be rambling. I just needed to get this all out. Thanks for reading.
Jay
Posted by sassyfrancesca on September 4, 2008, at 12:56:33
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Hey sweetie: I am not sure if I welcomed you, but welcome!!
i am sorry you are having such a hard time; I think journaling will go a long way in helping you.
I look forward to getting to know you.
Hugs n Love, Sassy
P.S. Crying is exhausting...but it is also....healing. An interesting fact is that depending on what kind of tears we cryt (joy or sad), there are different components....in tears of pain, there are healing chemicals.
Posted by Just Me33 on September 4, 2008, at 13:07:39
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
((((Jay))))
You were the first one to reply when I got here and you were there for me. I hate that you are going through this. I am here if you need to talk, you can babblemail me..
I know that everyone is different, but I know it makes me feel so much better to cry and get it out...it is a release of those inner emotions that are buried inside and they HAVE to come out. I have begun to write, not necessarily journaling, more poetry. I have also recently visited this website: www.reinventingmyself.com Maybe it could help you and give you more guidance.
Jay, stay strong...look how strong you already have proven yourself to be...school and work...that is so tough and you are going to conquer it....good for you!!!...you can get through this.
Take care of yourself....hugs...
JUSTME33
Posted by onceupon on September 4, 2008, at 13:22:01
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Sorry to hear that you're feeling so low right now. But good for you for pushing through the anxiety/distress/fear/worry or whatever it is that keeps you from talking about your feelings. That's a huge accomplishment.
Sounds like you responded to yourself like a good mom would by allowing yourself to feel the feelings instead of soldiering on. I know how lonely it can feel though, to feel as if you're always the one taking care of yourself. So lean on others as you can - friends, babblers, and your therapist included - and hopefully this wave of grief and overwhelm will pass.
Posted by Phillipa on September 4, 2008, at 13:35:53
In reply to Re: I'm really depressed., posted by onceupon on September 4, 2008, at 13:22:01
Sounds like you're doing a great job. No sleep and all the cleaning and school wow to be young again. Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on September 4, 2008, at 15:19:26
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
So very sorry JayMac.
(((((((((((you)))))))))))
Kath
Posted by Tamar on September 4, 2008, at 15:27:52
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Sorry you're feeling so depressed. The pillow hugging is soothing, isn't it? I do that too.
It sounds as if you're doing some really important and useful work in therapy. Good for you. Hang in there.
Posted by lucie lu on September 4, 2008, at 16:11:05
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Jay, I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so down. Your posts are so warm and caring; I feel bad that we can't hug you more tangibly - so let's pretend - hug, hug, hug
(((((((((((((((((( Jay )))))))))))))))))))))
(You could repeat this with your arms around your pillow - I like hot water bottles, too)
Feel any better?
You know, one thing I learned from therapy is that all people tend to regress when they are stressed. Not regress in the goo-goo sense or any perjorative way, but just returning to or maybe even just becoming more tuned in to more basic feelings than those we typically focus on in the course of our busy adult lives. I have noticed in myself that when I am really stressed, I may exhibit more dependent behavior to my T than I would normally. I might find myself needing check-in calls, which I haven't needed for a while. He always complies and then when he calls, I feel silly because I feel like I am way beyond that stage and don't want to feel like a baby! What I really want is a hug, and if I just shut up that voice that's calling me a baby, I might be able to feel hugged by his call.
For me at least, it helps somewhat to know that these needy, comfort-wanting responses are totally human and a perfectly understandable reaction to our stresses. We all need mothering, and with any luck you'll get some from all sorts of sources, including here.
Hope you're feeling better soon. Hug, hug, hug.
Love, Lucie
Posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 17:32:23
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Thank you. Thank you for all your support!! It means a whole lot. Your responses brought tears to my eyes. I always forgot how helpful it is to *tell* someone about my pain when I am that state of pain, hurt, and depression. Thanks.
I did see my T again today. I continued to tell her about my stress. I will post more about everything later, but I have class soon.
Talk laters,
Jay
Posted by lemonaide on September 5, 2008, at 8:28:25
In reply to I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 12:39:44
Hi JayMac,
It sounds like you are really doing some hard work in therapy, so please be gentle with yourself. It took me a year with my present T to even work on the hard stuff over my mom.
The crying part is so hard, I am only now getting comfortable with crying after 39 years. Can you call your T and touch base and tell them how you are feeling?
I know you are probably feeling you are getting worse, but what I see is progress. Take care of yourself okay.
Posted by obsidian on September 5, 2008, at 21:53:02
In reply to Re: I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 4, 2008, at 17:32:23
yes, I know what that feels like, it's kind of scary to be there
I remember what that feels like, feels kind of rawit will get better, I know it will
but it sometimes feels like it won't
take it easy on yourself, really(((you)))
sid
Posted by JayMac on September 6, 2008, at 0:54:47
In reply to Re: I'm really depressed. » JayMac, posted by lemonaide on September 5, 2008, at 8:28:25
> Hi JayMac,
>
> It sounds like you are really doing some hard work in therapy, so please be gentle with yourself.Yes! It IS hard work! It's harder than I could have imagined. Fortunately, I have HELP and therefore I would like to thank the Lord for 1. medication 2. my wonderfully sensitive and loving T 3. psycho babble and 4. vanilla frozen yogurt with rainbow sprinkles.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on September 6, 2008, at 7:20:16
In reply to Re: I'm really depressed., posted by JayMac on September 6, 2008, at 0:54:47
mmm sprinkles!
It's nice to have you here at babble. I've been reading your posts, and just wanted to say hello.
Also, you'll find a lot of empathy here for depression. It's a terrible terrible condition. It's the opposite of living. I'm sorry you're in such pain
-Ll
Posted by JayMac on September 6, 2008, at 11:26:00
In reply to Re: I'm really depressed. » JayMac, posted by llurpsienoodle on September 6, 2008, at 7:20:16
> mmm sprinkles!
>
> It's nice to have you here at babble. I've been reading your posts, and just wanted to say hello.
>
> Also, you'll find a lot of empathy here for depression. It's a terrible terrible condition. It's the opposite of living. I'm sorry you're in such pain> -Ll
Awww....Thank you Ll. It means a lot. I'm glad to have found Psy Bab. I enjoy reading everyone's posts. I find much comfort amongst others who are suffering too.
Thanks,
Jay
This is the end of the thread.
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