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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:29:57
Okay, so I had two tokes too many. But I suddenly find that in my loss of control state, I'm actually still retaining the ability to be in control. Perhaps that will make sense to some people and not others. But I'm finding that the knowledge of the control, the ability to control where my thoughts lead, and even what they are, is incredibly powerful. And I suspect that my own mind is a beautiful place to be. In fact, it is ....
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:35:46
In reply to The Mind, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:29:57
And that, incredibly enough, is bringing me to a state, or did maybe it's passed now, of being incredibly h*rny. Weird. Wonderful. Weird and wonderful. Oh Susan, you are at it again shut up girl, you have lots to do today. Get it done.
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:42:49
In reply to Re: The Mind: sex, may trigger, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:35:46
drug-induced self-psychotherapy via chat rooms or posting boards or whatever the hell this forum is, what's it called? What is this, anyway? I'm sorry if this posts sounds disrespectful, I don't really mean it to. Sometimes that little voice of Self-Doubt, my cute little devil, oh you Devil You! that little voice sneaks in there and has her say. That was her, it always comes out as sarcasm. Mmmm, will you burn in heaven, the way we do down here? That's Sarah....
Posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:44:35
In reply to Oh, here's a thesis, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:42:49
it didn't take the "e" out of Hell I'm sorry, please everyone forgive my coarseness. I'm sorry. Please don't block me, maybe actually that would be a good thing right now ...
Posted by Toph on February 18, 2005, at 12:46:43
In reply to The Mind, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:29:57
How can eating a whole box of ice cream, having outrageous sex, being transfixed by songs that you otherwise hate, watching the weather channel for hours, and incessantly studying the lines on your palm suggest that you are in control? (I, of course, have no first hand knowledge of these activities. I never inhaled; I learned about them all from research).
Toph
Posted by sunny10 on February 18, 2005, at 13:50:54
In reply to Re: The Mind » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 18, 2005, at 12:46:43
yeah, right, Toph.... (snigger,snigger, guffaw...)
Posted by Toph on February 18, 2005, at 17:09:33
In reply to The Mind, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:29:57
Susan, this is the second time in recent weeks that I have commented on your smoking. I am assuming from you not responding that you are tired of my editorials. I am not your judge, your father, a narc, your T, or your super ego. I'd like to think that I am your friend. I would be the first to argue how benign marijuana is and especially the dearth of evidence to the contrary dispite millions of dollars of reseach the government has procured tying to prove otherwise. I hate the hypocracy of judges sending people to jail after which these judges go home and throw back a few coctails containing a drug that is responsible for enumerable deaths over the centuries.
But, susan, you keep mentioning your usage in posts, and if your usage were inconsequential to your cognition and your emotional state, why would you need to mention that you are high? I have known some friends who felt that they were tranquilized by THC. Maybe it has a medicinal value for you. I worry that a transitory high might interfere with the work that you and your T must collaborate on in you finding a more permanent positive self-image for yourself.
If you prefer that I never to bring this up to you again. I will honor your wish. Even so, I think it best that I not comment on this for a while.
Toph
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 1:50:49
In reply to Re: The Mind » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 18, 2005, at 17:09:33
I've obviously upset you with my use of marijuana, and I'm sorry about that Toph. Yes, it has an effect on my cognition and mental state. I like the effect very much because it makes things better for me, not worse. I get the impression that you think it makes things worse. I'm sorry if that's true. I hope you keep posting to me, and don't get too frustrated. :)
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:37:14
In reply to Re: The Mind » Toph, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 1:50:49
I come from a point of total ignorance here, so forgive me.
But does it actually make things better or does it make things *feel* better?
Posted by mair on February 19, 2005, at 7:43:54
In reply to The Mind, posted by Susan47 on February 18, 2005, at 12:29:57
Susan - you offer so much to the people on this Board. But it would be so unfortunate if some posters ever started discounting your advice and support or not taking seriously what you say about yourself because they've come to assume that all of your posts are written in a substance-induced state.
I'm a little with Toph here. I'm not being judgmental about the fact that you smoke, but I do think that when you smoke and post it's potentially too easy for other posters (maybe just me) to gloss over the surface of what you write without giving adequate weight and thought to the more important non-surface messages.
You're such a bright and caring person, and I've always appreciated the insight you've given me. I just would hate to have your marijuana use ever become the defining feature of your PB participation.
mair
Posted by Toph on February 19, 2005, at 8:23:19
In reply to Re: The Mind » Toph, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 1:50:49
I'm not upset with you, Susan, just a little worried. You will always be special to me as one of the first persons who seemed to notice me here. I wish for you that everything would get better for you, whatever it takes.
Toph
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 15:48:19
In reply to Re: The Mind » Susan47, posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 7:37:14
It makes things feel better.
Which means so very much to me.
I wish it didn't.
I'm sorry.
I'm disappointing so many people. :(
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 15:54:08
In reply to Re: The Mind » Susan47, posted by mair on February 19, 2005, at 7:43:54
I actually have posted more here in a non-induced state:BUT you have a very good point, and I have to admit I've seriously thought about what you're saying. Your point is well taken. And I just want to add that I've gone over most of my stuff, I usually go back to it later when I'm in a sober frame of mind, or state. Usually that's first thing in the morning. And I've never posted anything I've found to be untrue the next morning. I admit, though, that some of it is overly revealing? Do you know what I mean? BUT I've had to stand behind my honesty in everything. I posted once, lately, that I've been honest even in my dishonesty .. I believe we all lie to ourselves, even if it's our subconscious causing the lie. The honesty about that is seeing it. I try. I hope if I give bad advice, I'm called up on it. Here on the boards, or by babblemail. That's not an invitation for everybody to unload or dump on me, but I do want to be accountable for what I say. Which leads me to the next subject.
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 15:59:58
In reply to Re: The Mind » mair, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 15:54:08
Being that I lied to myself, again. I've been asserting my t never did mention my calls ... he did! For some reason I've been "forgetting" to remember that he asked me to cut it down to two a day, two a day, then when I couldn't do that he told me he was only listening to two a day ... he tried, poor man. He tried. I wouldn't listen. I never really "heard" him. For some terrible reason, he wasn't ever part of the equation. For some reason.
I have to think about it some more, but have to run to the theatah now dahling ...
and no, I'm not feeling good about this new "insight" (hate that term now, revelation is better).
Posted by Dinah on February 19, 2005, at 20:20:09
In reply to Re: The Mind » Dinah, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 15:48:19
Well, you're not disappointing me.
Feeling better is important. But being better is important too. It's nice to figure out what things in our life do one or the other or both.
Posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 20:21:32
In reply to The next subject, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 15:59:58
How odd and scary and cool that my mind is revealing itself to me. Is that my subconscious or my unconscious? I think of subconscious as something that exists outside of immediate awareness; but the awareness can be accessed if it's worked at. I think of unconscious as something that the mind hasn't even acknowledged to itself on the subconscious level. So the unconscious is simply inaccessible. Subconscious speaks to us in dreams, too. Unconscious is more basic, it's the stuff of the basal brain, the animal instinct. IMO, of course, I'm just spouting stuff because it feels good. Anybody who actually knows anything about this stuff would laugh at me. SO I admit to my ignorance, but I'm having fun with the thoughts. And it stops me from picking up the phone or going out and getting myself into trouble, which I wouldn't have the nerve to do anyway. Playing a fab game with my daughter. We're having a lot of fun, she's like a little me, we both know how to groove, the music's playing and we love to dance and have fun. Innocent Saturday nights. I like that.
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 14:58:27
In reply to Re: The next subject, posted by Susan47 on February 19, 2005, at 20:21:32
This is about sex so it may trigger but it's not bad sex, it's just sex.
I figured out when I get stoned, like a couple of puffs and sometimes more, than I get really ... ahem ... (whispering this) horny. Ugly word, that.
But wow, what a feeling! So what I always always always do is remember the look of my ex-T's skin. He has lovely skin, it has a wonderful colour to it, and it glows a bit. He gives it life, it's amazing how some people can do that, they have that special something that sets them apart from everybody else. Well, actually, EVERYBODY has that, and we all have it in different ways. But I guess this skin thing is one of the ones that attracts me the most. That and eyes, I love good eyes. He's got great eyes (giggle).
Anyway, so what I always do when I get in this state of remembering, and loving that, is I pick up the phone and listen. In the past I used to leave messages saying what I was feeling, but I learned I had to stop that. I think it bothered him because he was always super-cold to me after that. So now I pick up the phone and just listen and then hang up, which is better; not perfect, but better anyways.
I can restrict my smoking. I feel like I can start to do that now. I don't have to live with those intense, incredible feelings as much as I used to. I don't think I do anyway. The first three words of that last sentence are an oxymoron. Hmh.
Posted by Toph on February 21, 2005, at 16:50:57
In reply to Discovery, Should have figured this out before, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 14:58:27
Hi Susan,
My marriage to my first wife was in trouble for a couple years before I discovered that she was having an affair with another guy. I stayed living with her for maybe another 6 months in shock and with massive doses of denial. Basically, I couldn't imagine leaving my 8-year old son and 5-year old daughter. Eventually I got thrown out when I had a confrontation with the guy. I had a 3 year relationship with a nice girl that ended when I met my current wife. She somehow barely tolerated that I was still married for 4 years. I worried that if we got married that my kids, especially my daugher, would think I was replacing them with my step-daughter. When my fiance suggested that we move to the same town as my kids suddenly it seemed OK to give up the past. I quickly divorced, we got married, and we have had a good life together since. Even my kids both eventually moved in with me when they had the legal right to choose for themselves. The reason I mention all this is that part of the obstacle keeping me in a destroyed marriage for 7 years after the affair, was a delusion I had. I unconsciously shared my kids' faint hope that maybe we could get back together and be a family once again. I hope, Susan, that you will discover a way to give yourself permission to move on with your life looking forward and not backwards. I lost 7 years stuck on an irreparably broken dream. I am so fortunate that the true love of my life had the patience of a saint.
Toph
Posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 19:45:35
In reply to Should have figured this out before » Susan47, posted by Toph on February 21, 2005, at 16:50:57
Posted by Toph on February 21, 2005, at 22:08:09
In reply to No worries, Toph, I'm fine. Smile. (nm) » Toph, posted by Susan47 on February 21, 2005, at 19:45:35
This is the end of the thread.
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