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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan47 on December 7, 2004, at 12:47:25
This is about my relationship with my psychologist.
I separated from my husband early this year (Valentine's Day I moved out, heehee). Throughout that transitional time and in the period before it, I was seeing a psychologist. I kept my visits down to a bare minimum, knowing I didn't want to become reliant upon him and knowing, also, that these can become love relationships of some kind. I knew I was a person who had that inclination, and I didn't want to encourage it; yet, I was already trapped because I couldn't stop it either; it was too late after probably the first visit with this psychologist. I felt a kindred spirit, or thought I did.
At home, I became more and more rebellious and defiant; swore and cursed at my husband out loud, as he did to me.
He was a frequent pot smoker, and I found that smoking made me feel positive about life, and gave me a feeling of euphoria .. then I discovered that eating pot intensified that feeling, and lasted a lot longer than smoking it.
So I began eating pot every morning; that brownie was my breakfast. Well, my appointments with T were always in the morning. I think once it was afternoon, early.
I always ate or smoked before I saw the T. Seeing him became synonymous with euphoria and interest, and also, love.
Of course, the love feelings became very projected because of the effect the pot was having upon my poor addled, oh so so addled little brain.
Long long story but today I realized why I was so tied up in knots over my psychologist. I can't call him my therapist, and saying that he was my T is a lie because to my mind because I don't think gave me therapy in any real descriptive way ...
So now, with the knowledge, comes realization and the ability to change things.
Anybody ever heard of John Tackett? I cried myself into a euphoric frenzy, that's when I realized the effect pot was having on my gray (very gray, at times) matter.
Posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 7:36:16
In reply to Exorcism, and My Mistake, posted by Susan47 on December 7, 2004, at 12:47:25
Dearest Sweet Susan,
With realization, comes pain, and with pain come release. Releasing the soul is a hard hard thing to do. I feel as if many times I have no soul. It was awakened one day in October 4 years ago when I met someone with wit, humor, love, understanding, and compasion. But alas, I could not make it work. I was affraid, I was lazy, I was non-commital (sp?) Anyhoo, I felt uphoria for the first time in my life. Much more than the day I met my H, and more than the day each of my children were born. This made me selfish, I wanted that feeling more and more and more, until I was ready to give up everything else, even my sanity. It's sad when you realize that you are addicted to love. Addicted to uphoria. Addicted to attention. For that is really what I was craving. Attention. I got it, and then I craved it more and more. It almost ruined me. Giving up my soul was part of the plan. Reaching inside me and opening up my wounds letting them heal partway and then finding another place to cut. It's hard when you realize that what you had is over. It's much easier to live in the fog of rememberance. Easier to have a brownie and be happy. Much harder to work, live, and suffer.
Ada, thinking of finding a brownie recipe, Grace
Posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 8:46:32
In reply to Exorcism, and My Mistake, posted by Susan47 on December 7, 2004, at 12:47:25
When I say Excorcism, of course I mean exorcising the love I felt for this man, but of course, that was a radical reaction to knowing he doesn't feel that way about me. BUT this wonderful dream happened last night. It was wonderful because it worked at releasing me.
ANyone with a strong stomach can read this next part. I was living alone in an apartment (check, which means this part is true). I'd been wearing a sophisticated black dress (check, going to a funeral with my daughter today) with a titch of colour at the waistline. Anyway, I was murdered. Cut in half, one half of me draped over something, the other half kind of across the room. No blood, but my eyes were open. So this OTHER me comes in, sees this, and panics and runs into hiding, tell my friends why. They check into it. Somehow convince me to go back and live in the building again. For some reason, I wear the same two-piece dress I was murdered in when I go back. Remember, this dress has no blood on it, which I by the way, keep looking for. I can't believe there's no blood from such a gruesome murder.
It turns out I meet the murderer, who's really been a gentle soul who loves me, and he ACCIDENTALLY murdered the first me! When I allow this gorgeous, soft-hearted person to explain himself, he tells me what happened and all the horror goes away.So about ten minutes after I wake up from this nightmare-turned-dream, I realize this: my ex-psychologist is a person who is worthy of much love, because he's a loving person, and so am I.
Isn't that a fabulous working-out?
Posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 8:47:21
In reply to Re: Exorcism, and My Mistake » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 7:36:16
Will you offer your throat to the wolf with no name?
Yes.
I'll bet you say that to all the boys.
Posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 9:01:36
In reply to Re: Exorcism, and My Mistake » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 7:36:16
AG,
My brownies aren't a form of release from feeling love, in fact they intensify the feelings of love and euphoria. They're an escape from depressive feelings. What those depressive feelings come from, I don't know. I'm so different than I was that it's really incredible and beautiful. But I still need that pot, to give me the excitement.Back to you, hon...not yet, though, I have to say something first. (Oh gee, there's a surprise!)
You know what you've been doing with this relationship and its aftermath? I think you're doing exactly what I did, for many many relationships with many men. In my case, I tried to re-create my father's indifference.
What are you doing?
Posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 16:57:49
In reply to Re: Exorcism, and My Mistake, posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 8:46:32
Posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 16:58:30
In reply to Re: Exorcism, and My Mistake, posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 8:47:21
Posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 17:00:26
In reply to Re: Exorcism, and My Mistake, posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 9:01:36
Searchin for love in too many faces
I'm looking for love, lookin for love........My father was mean........
And therefore I ache for someone to love me.....Ada, with no edipus rex complex, Grace
Posted by Susan47 on December 10, 2004, at 3:43:08
In reply to Re: Lookin for Love in all the Wrong Places » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 9, 2004, at 17:00:26
I may not be the brightest bulb in the packet, but this is ridiculous.
I'm talking about something that's really serious to me, and you're being facetious, which hurts me AdaGrace. Please stop it.
Posted by AdaGrace on December 10, 2004, at 8:07:25
In reply to I'm being genuine, and you're confusing me. » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on December 10, 2004, at 3:43:08
Susan,
I did not mean to hurt you. I know you are being serious. I understand that. When I posted about Buddy Ebson, that was in reference to myself, I dreamed about him and do not understand why. When I posted about Looking for love.....I was answering your question in regards to what I was doing relationship wise......and my father. and if those posts had shown up under each of yours maybe they wouldn't have been so sarcastic sounding. And as usual, when I posted them, I was drunk.I am very sorry. So very sorry.
I'll shut up now....
Posted by Susan47 on December 10, 2004, at 21:54:52
In reply to Re: I'm being genuine, and you're confusing me. » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 10, 2004, at 8:07:25
I understand that now, AG, but I don't know enough about your personal history, even though you post often, because there are so many threads to read, you know, and it gets confusing. I know how easy it is to lose track of who someone is, too, at least for an addle-brain such as myself.
I'm so very, very sorry, too. I'll shut up now, too.
Posted by Susan47 on December 11, 2004, at 20:36:00
In reply to Re: Exorcism, and My Mistake, posted by Susan47 on December 9, 2004, at 8:46:32
The dream was about two things that I can recognize, and I know there's so much more there but I don't know enough to work it out. I could write up an analysis and that would undoubtedly help ... someday, oh someday ...
My first conclusion, or "working-out" was incorrect.
My T did hurt me, he cut me in half psychologically speaking, separated the love and the hate, stood between them at first, then stepped aside and let the two fight it out.
(Ew, I'm loving this.)
The love won out, in the endNext, my T also represented the most complex, vibrant, tortured, intelligent, and important person in my life .. guess who, paternal parental unit, also represented in the dream. All these representations, I'm gettin' dizzy. And lost. Shite.
Posted by AdaGrace on December 12, 2004, at 11:26:19
In reply to Misinterpretation, posted by Susan47 on December 11, 2004, at 20:36:00
Hense the lack of blood Susan. I agree. It wasn't about someone murdering you, it was about someone separating you in the way that you described........my opinion only. Can I ask you a question?
Did your T cut you off because you developed feeling for him? or did he think you were "cured" so to speak? Because I feel as if it was the first case, then you feel cut off from that love that you felt and supports your theory of the love and hate separation. If it was the latter, then of course the same applies doesn't it?
Posted by Susan47 on December 12, 2004, at 22:48:48
In reply to Re: Misinterpretation » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 12, 2004, at 11:26:19
Honey, I don't know why he cut me off, except that I was being a pain in his ass.
It's too confusing for me, what you said doesn't make any sense to me because I'm not able to see it from your perspective, maybe it's because I have blinders on about this.
I do know, though, that at the same time that my T was letting the two halves of me fight out the love/hate I felt for paternal parental unit, he was also representing that same unit .. which had hurt me, in my life ... but at the same time the real feelings I had for that therapist, himself, were also hurting me. So the one person in my dream is really representing both men, in their same and different circumstances. That's how I see it, and that's how I think it is, right now anyway, and I'm sure a new dream will eventually replace this one, a dream which I hope will bring me further along in my reconciliations of self. Or something like that. I'm really a bonehead, aren't I.
Posted by AdaGrace on December 13, 2004, at 15:37:22
In reply to Re: Misinterpretation » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on December 12, 2004, at 22:48:48
Bone head, no......complex, yes.....and very inciteful and warm and caring.......I guess I don't really understand either, but I find you facinatingly complex and "i can dig that"
Posted by Susan47 on December 13, 2004, at 20:29:34
In reply to Re: Misinterpretation » Susan47, posted by AdaGrace on December 13, 2004, at 15:37:22
Darling, what a wierd and wonderful slip-up to make!!!!!
Posted by Dr. Bob on December 13, 2004, at 22:41:36
In reply to Re: Misinterpretation » AdaGrace, posted by Susan47 on December 12, 2004, at 22:48:48
> I don't know why he cut me off, except that I was being a pain in his [*]ss.
Please don't use language that could offend others. Sorry, but I'm going to block you from posting for another week.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues, as well as replies to the above post, should of course themselves be civil.
Thanks,
Bob
Posted by Toph on December 15, 2004, at 17:40:34
In reply to Re: blocked for week » Susan47, posted by Dr. Bob on December 13, 2004, at 22:41:36
Psychotherapists posit that nothing happens by accident. If this is true, for the life of me, I cannot figure out for what ulterior motive Susan would get herself blocked. Recently she has supported people and received support herself. She was in the process of revealing things about herself when the offending word slipped out (again in a self-depreciating way). Why would someone who derives such benefit from something obviously cares about intentionally try to separate herself from it? The only plausible reason to me is that contrary to prevailing psychotherapeutic theory, she made a mistake,a boo-boo, it was an accident. Perhaps Bob aggrees with my assessment because under established conventions she would have been given two weeks off. Anyway, Susan, if you read this, please practice using the word knucklehead for @ss from now on when describing yourself because Bob isn't just punishing you with these blocks, he's punishing me.
-Toph
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2004, at 19:19:10
In reply to Re: blocked for being Susan » Dr. Bob, posted by Toph on December 15, 2004, at 17:40:34
I think it may be deliberate Toph, see for eg
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/relate/20041207/msgs/428671.html
Not the way to go about changing the policy IMHO
But I guess its a way of blocking oneself without truely offending anyone!
This is the end of the thread.
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