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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 15:09:48
And, if so, how?
Someone wrote something to me which apparently fell just inside the civility guidelines, but after sleeping on it, I find that I'm still rather resentful. The poster is someone I've interacted with before, and I don't think any malice was intended. In fact, I think the person in question would probably regret having hurt my feelings.
But you know what? Thinking that someone might regret hurting my feelings isn't enough for me right now. Maybe it's that whole "self-care" thing coming up saying, "Don't make excuses for someone who has hurt your feelings," or maybe I'm just in a bad mood. Whatever it is, though, this time I'd like an apology. I'd like to hear, in so many words, "Racer, I'm sorry I wrote that to you without thinking about it first, and I'm sorry your feelings were hurt."
So, is there a way to ask the poster in question to apologize, without risking a PBC myself? (I am not willing to babblemail about this. The hurt came publicly, and this time I'd like the acknowledgement to come publicly, too.)
Also, I do realize that I am responsible for my feelings. Usually, I would let this go, and just avoid future interactions with the person who wrote something that upset me. Don't ask me what makes this one different. {shrug} Somehow, this time I really find I'd like an apology.
Thank youl
Posted by LegWarmers on March 18, 2006, at 15:19:51
In reply to Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 15:09:48
Maybe you could babblemail them with the link to this thread... so they know who they are? If it were me and I had hurt someone I would be happy to publicly let people know that I was sorry and had not intended to. Just a thought.
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:25:50
In reply to Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 15:09:48
> The poster is someone I've interacted with before, and I don't think any malice was intended. In fact, I think the person in question would probably regret having hurt my feelings.
> But you know what? Thinking that someone might regret hurting my feelings isn't enough for me right now.I think you can always say 'when you said xxx i felt hurt in response'.
I agree that sometimes the mere thought that it was unintentional just isn't enough. I think it is important to let other people know when we really do feel hurt in response to something. Because without some assurance... How do we know they won't go and do it again?
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:33:18
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster? » Racer, posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:25:50
it is me, isn't it?
fwiw i am sorry for hurting your feelings.
daisy too.
i didn't mean to hurt feelings.
i didn't mean to be a party killer.
and you are right i didn't think about either of your feelings when i posted that. i was completely wrapped up in my own hurt.
and also... i really don't think i'll be doing that again (or the best i can do really is to say that i really am genuinely sorry and i'll do my very best to consider the impact of my posts on other posters before posting in the future).what i learned in dbt...
it's always okay to ask.
expecting to get... well that can be another matter. but usually people are fairly good.
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:34:11
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster? raquo; Racer, posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:33:18
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:34:38
In reply to why does 'raquo'find itself into my headers???? (nm), posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:34:11
Posted by gardenergirl on March 18, 2006, at 18:01:24
In reply to Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 15:09:48
Hi sweetie,
If this is the post that you and I talked about in IM last night, then I realize I just blew right by your hurt feelings. I apologize for that. And if you're asking about something else, well, then I'm sorry that happened to you. :(As far as requesting an apology, I suppose it depends on how you word it. Expressing your feelings about the post and maybe how you might feel after someone apologized might work, if it's all phrased from your perspective and your ownership of the feelings. I need to eat something before I could come up with an example, though.
gg
Posted by verne on March 18, 2006, at 19:03:52
In reply to Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 15:09:48
I think letting someone know your feelings are hurt is fine but when we request, or expect, an apology, we are really asking them to feel a certain way.
Perhaps, you could say to them, "my feelings are hurt", and let them decide on their own how they feel about it. Just let them be themselves.
A request for an apology also brings in an element of pressure - to think and feel a certain way. If they aren't sorry, they should be.
That's my take on it but I'm not much good at connecting with people on Babble. In my world, ships just pass each other in the night.
Verne
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 19:24:42
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by verne on March 18, 2006, at 19:03:52
Yeah asking for an apology can be hard because then you wonder 'are they really sorry or are they just humouring me along'...
I think some things have to be given freely or not at all...
But then regarding mine... If this is about me... Last time I think I said 'sorry I didn't mean to hurt' and that was genuine... But still I guess some things can be hard online and I understand if that sounded cursory... I didn't mean it to come across as cursory, but I understand if it did... I'm not sure I'd feel so very satisfied if I got one of those if I was feeling really very hurt.
But then now I'm just raving really...
Posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 19:53:57
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster? raquo; Racer, posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:33:18
> it is me, isn't it?
>
> fwiw i am sorry for hurting your feelings.
> daisy too.
> i didn't mean to hurt feelings.OHNO! No, not you at all. I'm not even sure I know what you're writing about, because I don't remember you writing anything that I even thought of as upsetting. No, please don't think it was anything you wrote.
Besides, if it had been you, I would have babblemailed you. You're someone I've interacted with before, and I would have no problem keeping anything like that private -- or, for that matter, approaching you directly on the board. This is someone I don't have that sort of prior relationship with, which is what makes it different.
Posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 19:56:30
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 19:24:42
> >
> But then now I'm just raving really...Yeah, but you go right ahead and rave.
And, if we're all right on your side, then we are all right, because we're fine on mine... It really was someone else.
Posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 19:59:21
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster? » Racer, posted by gardenergirl on March 18, 2006, at 18:01:24
> Hi sweetie,
> If this is the post that you and I talked about in IM last night, then I realize I just blew right by your hurt feelings.It is that one, but I don't know if I actually expressed my hurt feelings, so unless you were carrying around your crystal ball...
And I would be very appreciative if you could help word something. I'm not going to do anything myself, because I really feel childish about it, somehow. And I'm pretty sure that, if I did try to write something, I'd {uh} probably get myself in trouble...
And I don't like being in trouble...
:-}
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 20:30:47
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster? ?agent858, posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 19:53:57
er...
then you aren't ignoring my posts to you on purpose?
Posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 20:32:50
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster?, posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 20:30:47
> er...
>
> then you aren't ignoring my posts to you on purpose?I guess that means I haven't seen them. Where are they?
Posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 20:48:35
In reply to Re: Can we request an apology from another poster? ?agent858, posted by Racer on March 18, 2006, at 20:32:50
> I guess that means I haven't seen them. Where are they?
ah. tis okay. i'm in taking it personally mode today... i was wondering whether it was on purpose or not... i guess i was thinking either she will say that she is upset with me... or she will keep on ignoring me... or she will post to me sooner or later and i'll know i was taking it overly personal.
it is okay. really. sometimes... it is hard to know what to say in response.. i get that too.
tis okay.
have a nice day
etc
etcfwiw i really am sorry for what a certain little number said before...
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 21, 2006, at 16:15:36
In reply to why does 'raquo'find itself into my headers???? (nm), posted by agent858 on March 18, 2006, at 16:34:11
Posted by special_k on March 21, 2006, at 17:06:31
In reply to Re: are you trying to add a » manually? (nm) » agent858, posted by Dr. Bob on March 21, 2006, at 16:15:36
Racer guessed that too :-)
But nope, I was just ticking the box to add the name of the previous poster like I normally do...
On the upside I won't be using that computer anymore (it was just one computer that seemed to be doing that).
Yay wireless :-)
This is the end of the thread.
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