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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SLS on June 17, 2021, at 1:59:28
Hi.
I don't think I ever disclosed this here. I am petrified of saying "no" to people. My psychologist and I have been working on this character flaw for years. At my last visit, she insisted that, for the sake of my therapy, I should walk up to strange women in shopping malls and ask them out for a date so that I can learn how easily other people say "no". I told her, "No f*ck*ng way!" She smiled and said, "Go home. You're cured."
- Silly
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 17, 2021, at 9:46:40
In reply to I am petrified of saying 'no' to people., posted by SLS on June 17, 2021, at 1:59:28
How did you become a yes sayer?
Posted by linkadge on June 17, 2021, at 12:54:16
In reply to I am petrified of saying 'no' to people., posted by SLS on June 17, 2021, at 1:59:28
I'm guessing that was a joke (?). If it was a true story, it was funny.
My father cannot say no. My mother just walks all over him. She has controlled his life. Even when she is sick, she demands this or that medication he just gives in.
I am pretty good with saying no, but of course it depends what kind of position I am in.
Linkadge
Posted by jay2112 on June 17, 2021, at 16:30:11
In reply to I am petrified of saying 'no' to people., posted by SLS on June 17, 2021, at 1:59:28
> Hi.
>
> I don't think I ever disclosed this here. I am petrified of saying "no" to people. My psychologist and I have been working on this character flaw for years. At my last visit, she insisted that, for the sake of my therapy, I should walk up to strange women in shopping malls and ask them out for a date so that I can learn how easily other people say "no". I told her, "No f*ck*ng way!" She smiled and said, "Go home. You're cured."
>
>
> - SillyWell, Silly Scott, sounds like you have a good therapist! From my experience as a social worker, this is linked to "confrontation avoidance", but if it's specifically with women/dating, well that's another ball game..lol. Either way, I have had these problems all my life.
Keep on with the therapy! And, step outside your comfort zone (I should take my own advice!!..lol) and just try out the "no thing"....even just once in awhile. I think you may be able to feel more comfortable with doing so, once you get 'conditioned' to it.
Keep posting...best!
Jay :)
Posted by SLS on June 18, 2021, at 16:26:44
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. » SLS, posted by jay2112 on June 17, 2021, at 16:30:11
Thanks, Jay. <smile>
I had an incredibly hard time with confrontation and saying "no" when I was younger. Thank God I had a psychology professor in college introduced an idea that I used as a model to work with. Self-Actualization. I wonder if any therapists use self-actualization as a treatment modality. I've never heard of it being done.
Real quick: Although personal improvement was extremely difficult during my decades of life in a vegetative state. They called me a "flat-liner". However, I was fortunate to have awakenings for a few days every so many years. I got to experience my psyche in the absence of depression. That led me to two decisions.
1. Life would be worth living once I was cured (remission).
2. I would work hard towards getting my psyche as healthy as possible in the meantime, despite the struggle to move forward with my personal growth. I went to several psychologists along the way to deal with residual issues. I didn't want to waste a single second. In other words, as one of my doctors put it, I was in the gate and chomping at the bit. Once the gate would finally open, I had planned to be well-trained and ready to sprint.
It was a good plan.
- Scott
Posted by sigismund on June 18, 2021, at 20:42:12
In reply to I am petrified of saying 'no' to people., posted by SLS on June 17, 2021, at 1:59:28
For a good while in my life I have said yes because I wanted to, which I only wanted because I assumed they wanted me to feel that.
It was exhausting. I assume this is what is known as problems with boundaries. Amphetamine helped.
Posted by SLS on June 19, 2021, at 11:53:20
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people., posted by sigismund on June 18, 2021, at 20:42:12
Hi, Sigi.
> For a good while in my life I have said yes because I wanted to, which I only wanted because I assumed they wanted me to feel that.
>
> It was exhausting.
Absolutely.> Amphetamine helped.
That's interesting. I bet Linkadge could offer possible explanations. More reward (nucleus accumbens) and less fear (amygdala)? That's rather simplistic, though. I don't keep up with things as much now, but every time I turn around, there is another discovery that demonstrates how little we knew yesterday, and how much more we need to discover tomorrow.
- Scott
Posted by Hugh on June 20, 2021, at 15:23:47
In reply to I am petrified of saying 'no' to people., posted by SLS on June 17, 2021, at 1:59:28
I like your psychologist, Scott. It's too bad that baseball55 doesn't post here anymore. This subject would have been right up her alley.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 20, 2021, at 23:15:16
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. » SLS, posted by Hugh on June 20, 2021, at 15:23:47
hahaha that was really funny.
Posted by beckett2 on June 21, 2021, at 13:31:19
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. » SLS, posted by Hugh on June 20, 2021, at 15:23:47
> I like your psychologist, Scott. It's too bad that baseball55 doesn't post here anymore. This subject would have been right up her alley.
Did she make an explicit goodbye? It's true she hasn't posted for some time.
Posted by Hugh on June 22, 2021, at 10:15:04
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. » Hugh, posted by beckett2 on June 21, 2021, at 13:31:19
I never saw a goodbye. She posted here regularly for years, and then she stopped posting about two years ago.
> > I like your psychologist, Scott. It's too bad that baseball55 doesn't post here anymore. This subject would have been right up her alley.
>
> Did she make an explicit goodbye? It's true she hasn't posted for some time.
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 23, 2021, at 0:49:01
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. » beckett2, posted by Hugh on June 22, 2021, at 10:15:04
Go to a homeopath. :) Just checking your progress
Posted by jay2112 on July 1, 2021, at 13:35:21
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. » jay2112, posted by SLS on June 18, 2021, at 16:26:44
> Thanks, Jay. <smile>
>
> I had an incredibly hard time with confrontation and saying "no" when I was younger. Thank God I had a psychology professor in college introduced an idea that I used as a model to work with. Self-Actualization. I wonder if any therapists use self-actualization as a treatment modality. I've never heard of it being done.
>
> Real quick: Although personal improvement was extremely difficult during my decades of life in a vegetative state. They called me a "flat-liner". However, I was fortunate to have awakenings for a few days every so many years. I got to experience my psyche in the absence of depression. That led me to two decisions.
>
> 1. Life would be worth living once I was cured (remission).
>
> 2. I would work hard towards getting my psyche as healthy as possible in the meantime, despite the struggle to move forward with my personal growth. I went to several psychologists along the way to deal with residual issues. I didn't want to waste a single second. In other words, as one of my doctors put it, I was in the gate and chomping at the bit. Once the gate would finally open, I had planned to be well-trained and ready to sprint.
>
> It was a good plan.
>
>
> - ScottScott, thanks for the smile! We definitely need more, much more, of those. :)
The psychological approach of Self-Actualization was taught to me, as part of therapy, when I was a Social Work student in college, back in 1988. It is actually part of, and at the top, of Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs'. It is a great model, a triangle, (I am explaining this simply...google it for complete understanding.) with the bottom being basic needs, like shelter, food, etc. The ultimate is to move up the triangle (like a scale)and after all the needs are met, you get Self Actualization, at the top. The reason for the triangle/scale, is that many people, especially poor people, are limited in moving up the scale. They don't have their basic needs met, and are scared about money, shelter, etc.
But, it seems in your situation, that is not the case. The model also talks about "Love and Belonging", which is third from Self-Actualization (ok, I am explaining the model..lol), and would fit in your case, and above that is Self Esteem, which I think may fir in your case too. (No offence meant, of course) :) One notch up from Self Esteem, at the top, is Self Actualization..the "Goal". The idea is to go up the scale, but, of course, people move around in the scale.
I use the Maslow model in my work with addictions and mental health. Sadly, most of my younger colleagues don't. It is just one model, but is majorly important, and useful, in psychotherapy.
So, I hope that helps you a bit. Still, look the Maslow model up. (Abraham Maslow was the theorist)
I am trained in psychotherapy (not advertising! lol), an MSW, if you would be interested in a few (free) sessions, via Zoom or Skype, or having them in a chat session (or telephone). No pressure. :)Take care!
Jay
Posted by SLS on July 1, 2021, at 21:06:59
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. Hope. » SLS, posted by jay2112 on July 1, 2021, at 13:35:21
Hi, Jay.
> Scott, thanks for the smile! We definitely need more, much more, of those. :)
Not everyone gets my jokes. Said another way, I overestimate my ability to make others laugh.
>
> The psychological approach of Self-Actualization was taught to me, as part of therapy, when I was a Social Work student in college, back in 1988. It is actually part of, and at the top, of Maslow's 'Hierarchy of Needs'. It is a great model, a triangle, (I am explaining this simply...google it for complete understanding.) with the bottom being basic needs, like shelter, food, etc. The ultimate is to move up the triangle (like a scale)and after all the needs are met, you get Self Actualization, at the top. The reason for the triangle/scale, is that many people, especially poor people, are limited in moving up the scale. They don't have their basic needs met, and are scared about money, shelter, etc.OMG! Excellent!
I am so happy to see Maslow's hierarchy of needs used clinically. Wow.
> But, it seems in your situation, that is not the case. The model also talks about "Love and Belonging", which is third from Self-Actualization (ok, I am explaining the model..lol), and would fit in your case, and above that is Self Esteem, which I think may fir in your case too. (No offence meant, of course) :) One notch up from Self Esteem, at the top, is Self Actualization..the "Goal". The idea is to go up the scale, but, of course, people move around in the scale.
>
> I use the Maslow model in my work with addictions and mental health. Sadly, most of my younger colleagues don't. It is just one model, but is majorly important, and useful, in psychotherapy.
>
> So, I hope that helps you a bit. Still, look the Maslow model up. (Abraham Maslow was the theorist)
> I am trained in psychotherapy (not advertising! lol), an MSW, if you would be interested in a few (free) sessions, via Zoom or Skype, or having them in a chat session (or telephone). No pressure. :)
>
> Take care!
>
> JayThank you so much for your explanations. Is there some kind of questionnaire or rating system to determine where one can place themselves along the hierarchy? I understand that things are fluid. It might be helpful to me.
Things are so much easier, now that I continue to improve (bipolar depression). Depression is a beast without favorites.
Thanks.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 5, 2021, at 22:09:07
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. Hope. » jay2112, posted by SLS on July 1, 2021, at 21:06:59
Cool. You deserve good times.
> Things are so much easier, now that I continue to improve (bipolar depression). Depression is a beast without favorites.
>
> Thanks.
>
>
> - Scott
>
>
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 5, 2021, at 22:54:08
In reply to Re: I am petrified of saying 'no' to people. Hope., posted by Lamdage22 on July 5, 2021, at 22:09:07
I too am recovering more and more. I am teaching my family what is good for me and what is not. I am sure they would rather have a healthy son than a sick one, even if it means changing some behaviors. It is in their best interests.
This therapist I found is good news.
This is the end of the thread.
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