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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by uncouth on April 18, 2009, at 21:04:37
Ok folks, there is no way I can accurately put into words how i'm feeling, but let me just say that after 15 ECTs, on Friday I was feeling some form of a positive response on my mood, and definitely feeling the negative side effects on the memory. But on Friday's ECT, I woke up after it feeling *very* different, and I still feel differently a day later. It's hard to put into words, but after the 16th ECT (all of mine are bilateral), I felt different than how I felt after every previous ECT. I almost feel a little like i'm "on drugs"....let me try and describe how i'm feeling: a bit disconnected, weak in the knees, a little confused, tired, feeling like my field of vision is a movie screen that someone is projecting what i'm seeing onto. I don't feel real depressed, though, but I don't feel real good, either. I just feel "blah", confused, very spacey, physically a bit weak. It's almost like, and I know this isn't possible, but it's almost like they didn't wake up all of my brain after the ECT, and there is a part that is still offline. That's what it feels like.
Has anyone felt anything like this before? Can I expect it to change? Or am I permanently brain damaged now? Am what I'm feeling right now what the people who say ECT causes brain damage are talking about? Or is the solution to just get more shocks? If I do the 17th shock, will that shock me back to normal????
Please help me!
Posted by Phillipa on April 18, 2009, at 22:51:22
In reply to After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 18, 2009, at 21:04:37
Uncouth geez hope the others see this quickly for you. I'm sorry. Love Phillipa
Posted by Zyprexa on April 19, 2009, at 8:04:09
In reply to After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 18, 2009, at 21:04:37
No it won't! Your mind is hurt. May take a while, a long while to go back to normal. I would not do any more.
I was like that but they kept giving me more and I think I'm brain damaged.
Posted by Zana on April 19, 2009, at 10:50:44
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different » uncouth, posted by Zyprexa on April 19, 2009, at 8:04:09
I also think that it will pass. Lots of the side effects of ECT pass in the first few weeks after the last treatment. But I would definitely make sure that your doctors are evaluating your cognitive state after each treatment.
Zana
Posted by bleauberry on April 19, 2009, at 12:25:32
In reply to After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 18, 2009, at 21:04:37
Well, I've said it here before, many times, so you can probably expect and predict what I will say.
Unless someone is so ill that they cannot live or function anywhere else except in a longterm hospital setting, I do not believe anyone has any business electrifying the brain with voltage.
My dad is retired but was a doctor all his life. He said the aftermath of ECT looked to him exactly like the brain trauma he saw in Vietnam when soldiers were near grenade blasts.
I don't know what to tell ya, except I am not a fan of ECT and there is no way to tell what these wierd things you are feeling are. Whatever they are, it doesn't exactly sound healthy to me. I could be wrong.
As an ECT survivor of 12 bilaterals, I can tell you from personal experience that the memory loss does not improve. In my case it has been steady and permanent for, well, I can't even remember how many years it has been, two, three?
I can't remember.
Posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 18:44:10
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by bleauberry on April 19, 2009, at 12:25:32
I'm just so tired. So so so very tired. Tired of the electricity, tired of the rTMS not working, tired of the spiral of depression, where depression makes you do things in life that then really give you something to be MORE depressed about. I'm tired of it all. I'm giving it another week of ECT, and then I'm going to kill myself.
How should I go about it? I have about 2 months supply of nortriptyline....is overdosing on a TCA relatively painless? I figure I could combine it with some chomped up seroquels and benzos.
Please don't try to talk me out of it, or find the authorities, I'm already "getting help". It's just I'm so tired, tired, tired of the pain pain and pain.
Why can't I be normal...why do I have to know more about psychotropic drugs than I do about college basketball or pop music or fun things in life. Why didn't God give me that ability to experience a normal, pleasurable hard-but-worth-it non-depressed life?
Instead, i've been given chronic, unrelenting, suicidal depression. And now I'm getting my brain shocked.
F*ck it all. One or two weeks, then uncouth is unliving.
Posted by Sigismund on April 21, 2009, at 18:47:25
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 18:44:10
Be kind to yourself and whatever happens, don't blame yourself.
You did not choose this.
Posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 20:57:25
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different » uncouth, posted by Sigismund on April 21, 2009, at 18:47:25
yeah thats what my mom, therapist, etc. says. be kind, be kind.
at this point, i think the kindest thing is to put me out of my misery if this ECT doesn't work in the next week or two. i just can't endure any longer.
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2009, at 21:07:27
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 20:57:25
Uncouth my heart goes out to you. I know the pain and in my case no one caring or understanding. But there is a missing link and whoever you doc is let him know how hopeless you feel. Each day there are new meds on the market or a combo you haven't tried. What's family history with depression like. I'm here to support you with everyone else as we care. Love Phillipa (((((UNCOUTH)))))
Posted by Phillipa on April 21, 2009, at 21:09:52
In reply to After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 18, 2009, at 21:04:37
Uncouth read your first post. Sounds like ECT may be doing more damage. Can you get your pdoc? Love Phillipa
Posted by sam K on April 21, 2009, at 21:44:05
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 20:57:25
this post makes me want to cry. i feel the pain. Ive felt incredibly suicidal at times. for days at a time. it passes.. but its the worst pain in the world that i know of. I feel like no human should feel like this, completly hopeless. Yet if you make sure you live through it, you actually come out extremly wise/humble/better person/more human.
Im glad i lived through the suicidal times and more to come probably. such dark times...
Posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2009, at 3:34:37
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 20:57:25
> yeah thats what my mom, therapist, etc. says. be kind, be kind.
> at this point, i think the kindest thing is to put me out of my misery if this ECT doesn't work in the next week or two. i just can't endure any longer.
I made no assumptions about what would be kindest for you. I was worried that if the ECT did not work you would blame yourself.
I'm not trying to give you hope, or saying that life is worth living, but I do think it is important to be kind.
Posted by Phillipa on April 22, 2009, at 19:21:51
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different » uncouth, posted by Sigismund on April 22, 2009, at 3:34:37
Uncouth if I can do you can too. Love Phillipa
Posted by Zyprexa on April 23, 2009, at 10:56:57
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different, posted by uncouth on April 21, 2009, at 18:44:10
Have you tried zyprexa?? Thats the one that keeps me from needing ECTs and from not feeling good.
Posted by dalton on April 23, 2009, at 20:55:14
In reply to Re: After ECT #16, feel *qualitatively* different » uncouth, posted by Zyprexa on April 23, 2009, at 10:56:57
I'm so sorry you are having such a rough time. About ten years ago I had 30 bilateral ect treatments in 11 months. I remember little of that time, just a feeling that I was not present--that I was waiting for the real driver to show up. Ect did not help me, and since then I have wondered how anyone could tell if it was beneficial or not as I was more zombie than me. The good news is that in time I did return to myself. And apart from some serious long term memory gaps, I felt my brain restore itself so that I could think clearly again.
About feeling suicidal, I have always been glad that I held on. Hard, for sure. But, as you know, there are so many meds out there, in so many different combinations, that there is hope.
This is the end of the thread.
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