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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shame on July 17, 2008, at 15:28:24
You left us today. We, of course, do not blame you. Its not your fault, but ours, for failing to see how ill you were and for not fulfilling your needs; for not keeping our end of the bargain. All I can say in our defense is that we thought that you were as tired and uncomfortable as we were and that your apathy last night was the same as ours. Otherwise we thought you safe and well. Your trip to the vet just a few days before seemed to have put you at rights and we were relieved to see you eating as you should, your bright spirit re-kindled and growing every day. We gave you your treats as always last night, and as always you took and coveted them as greedily as ever. Made us smile.
And so we went upstairs and went to sleep, dreaming blissfully while you suffered. Suffered from something we had not seen, alone. Perhaps we were too tired. Perhaps we reasoned your sickness away. Whatever the case, ignorance or neglect, it is inexcusable. Its possible you still lived when we woke the next morning and that our daily ritual of necessity and vanity robbed you of your life; another inexcusable act. I am sorry.
When I found you, you were limp, still warm, but so obviously gone. My shouts, my moans, my foolish act of gently shaking you could not bring you back, and when I realized that I screamed. Screamed. Screamed and cried, feeling a part of me die as I looked at you. I clutched my roiling gut, wracked by guilt when I realized I was not with you when you died. I owed you that, to be with you, even if your death rests on my shoulders. I should have seen you off, touching and loving you as you left as I had with all of our other small ones. But instead you laid there, half out of your house, your head resting awkwardly on the floor of your cage, body sprawled out behind you. You deserved more. You deserved dignity. Once again, I am sorry.
Now I am left to wonder what you were doing there at the mouth your house, the Pepsi box you favored above all of your expensive toys and habitats. Had you come out to seek our help and found us unavailable in your time of greatest need? Did you know you were dying and had hoped not to die alone? Seeking Jacks companionship but finding him confined to the lower level as he always is, unable to make the journey to the heights you reach so easily? When we removed you from your resting place, your paupers grave, and laid you gently on the table Jack stared, seeing that you had gone. He stared at his motionless friend and was still himself. So still. Mourning you in his own way I suppose. Im sorry Jack. We took your friend from you and you too suffer from our neglect.
All of that and still our friends come to our defense. You were old, they say. You never really recovered from the pneumonia that had ravaged you all those months ago. These facts are true, but it is also true that we were your guardian, your friend, your FAMILY. We should have been there for you to rely on. Where was YOUR champion, someone to say This little one needs help. She may be old and she may seem well, but you are taking her for granted and her death will be on your shoulders. I should have been that champion. I am sorry.
Over these many years we were with all of your family as they died. We saw your Father off first. He was so sick for so long. I hand fed him three times a day for over a year before the vet was able to tell us what was wrong and that it would be best to let him go. He was so gregarious, so loving, and so willing to put up with my ministrations. And in so much pain; pain that made him weak and withered away his body. I had though he would get better. Prayed for it, I had loved him so much. Once again I can only say that I did not know, and when I realized what I had done to him, we released him to better things. He died on my birthday, and though I grieved at his side as he left, I knew it a good act and that he had more right to that day than I. I hope you are with him now.
Many years later we said goodbye to your mother. Wiser now, we knew what was happening to her and at the ripe old age of 14 we released her as well, stoking her fur and feeling the agony as she left, but once again, we knew what we did was right, letting her escape from agony and slow death, allowing her to exit surrounded by loving family touching her and speaking softly. Rest now, friend. Good journey. Know that we honor you and will love you always. I hope she can relay some of those words to you; we meant all of it and I would have whispered to you too had I been there. I am sorry.
I will never know what happened for sure, why you died and what caused it, but I do know I should have been there to help you, or to protect you, or to simply be with you if there was nothing to be done. Now that you are gone I regret so many other things as well. I should have held you more, but that was not your way. We should have named you better, but when you were delivered back into our care by the would-be-family that no longer wanted you, you became Baby, the beloved offspring of your true family. We should have taken you out of the dark cage your mother so much favored and into the bright airy one that you loved much sooner. We thought you were like her but you were not. I should have seen that, and I am sorry.
But, of course, my biggest regret is not being with you when you needed me. I was there when you were born; tiny and frail but already exploring, showing us who you were. I should have been with you when you died. It was an honor that you loved us so much and it would have been a gift to be there when you left, being your steward as you completed your journey, but we failed you. My guilt will never fade but I still ask your forgiveness, and that you take my love and my apology as they are intended, not to make me feel better, but to show you how I loved you. You waited so patiently for the day that you would feel better, putting your trust in me to make that happen and I failed. I am so very, very sorry.
Posted by gardenergirl on July 17, 2008, at 18:09:22
In reply to You Left Us Today *death triggers*, posted by Shame on July 17, 2008, at 15:28:24
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your writing about it is beautiful.
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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