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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by hairy bat phd on July 14, 2006, at 13:20:30
I sometimes get disturbing obssesive/compulsive thoughts. The most common one is I'll be sitting there listening to someone talk and I'll get this sudden urge to throw my drink in their face for no apparent reason. In the past these were more disturbing to me, but I was somewhat relieved a bit when I found out that these types of thoughts are not uncommon in people with mood disorders, not just OCD but anxiety and depression also (I suffer from depression).
Still, there's one particular compulsion that occasionally hits me that is particularly disturbing, so I wrote a short story about it...
The Preying Mantis
Sh*t. How long have I been in this locked room? I slam the medicine cabinet shut, nothing but Q-tips, vaseline and toothpaste- no relief there. I stare into the mirror and continue to groom my eyebrows with my fingers, but I just can’t seem to get them right. I notice the large sweat stains in my armpits- why did I wear this shirt? As I turn to leave I think to myself, “do I need to take a piss?” No, that’s not why I took refuge here. It was the baby.Hamtramck sun on my face, loosely engaged in conversation, I was almost enjoying myself. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I was relaxed, but for a reluctant guest, I was doing ok. That is until I happen to glance over at the baby sitting on his mothers lap. I was suddenly overcome by an urge to get up, walk over and grab the baby and slam it to the ground, end zone celebration style. Now let me make this clear, I’m no baby spiker. Hell, I even like babies. I even like this baby- plump, happy, downright gurgly. Still the urge remained. Remained isn’t quite the right word. It’s more like the urge was a strobe light pulsating in my cranium. I turned away, but it didn’t seem to help. I took solace in the fact that no one seemed to notice a sudden shift in my demeanor, so I held my ground. At least until it became excruciating and I had to flee.
From the bathroom I made a B-line to the sunroom and the cooler in the corner. I lift the lid- a 12 pack of f*cking lite beer. Why didn’t I bring some Jack? Oh yeah, I remembered I was nursing a gigundo hangover from last night. No sir, not gonna drink today. But that was before the baby. All bets were off.
The sound of the beer popping open relaxed me a bit as I leaned against the wall. Suddenly I found myself cornered by Frankie, who was en rout from the kitchen carrying a large tray of what appeared to be intestines. Trapped by his girth and flailing spatula, I could see his lips moving, but I could not make out the words. It’s ok, I’ve heard the story many times. It was Frankie’s “15 minutes,” the time he banged one of the Zolinski sisters in the sausage plant, vats-a-churnin’. He didn’t seem to notice that I wasn’t quite comprehending what he was saying, I must have been nodding and smiling in the right places. “And that was the same weekend the Pope was in town,” Frankie finished with a laugh and a pat on the shoulder (which startled me a little). As he exited for the grill with his entrails, I wondered if he’d noticed that I had downed two beers in a span of five minutes, or that I couldn’t stop stroking my right eyebrow with my index finger. I’m pretty sure that he was also oblivious to the fact that the entire time he was talking I was suppressing an overwhelming urge to perform the Heimlich maneuver on him and induce projectile vomiting.
“Are you o.k. hon?” Jen said as she poked her head in the door. “Where have you been?” “I’m fine”, I said in a tone that sounded surprisingly normal. “I’ll be out in a minute” -THE BABY-“I just had an allergy attack, but I took a Claritin so I should be o.k.”. “Great, you gotta try one of Frankie’s sausages, they’re fantastic”.
Good old Jen. Jen is also oblivious, which is probably why we’re still together. But still, you’d think by now she would have noticed the large black preying mantis embedded in my scalp that has been sucking spinal fluid from the nape of my neck. My alibi spent, I grab another beer and reluctantly head out to the patio.
Posted by sleepygirl on July 14, 2006, at 19:16:28
In reply to The Preying Mantis, posted by hairy bat phd on July 14, 2006, at 13:20:30
yeah...I've experienced similar stuff
interesting imagery-large black preying mantis
ya ever watch one up close? simply surrealnicely written, especially the phrase "baby spiker"
:-)
Posted by susan47 on July 14, 2006, at 20:53:37
In reply to The Preying Mantis, posted by hairy bat phd on July 14, 2006, at 13:20:30
> I sometimes get disturbing obssesive/compulsive thoughts. The most common one is I'll be sitting there listening to someone talk and I'll get this sudden urge to throw my drink in their face for no apparent reason. In the past these were more disturbing to me, but I was somewhat relieved a bit when I found out that these types of thoughts are not uncommon in people with mood disorders, not just OCD but anxiety and depression also (I suffer from depression).
>
The thoughts can be trained. It takes a while, it does take a while, but if you're not so threatened by them, because you do recognize them as something you don't really want, they will diminish .. learn to trust yourself, you know, with love, and with vulnerability, and you won't feel like you want to crush it?
Posted by Toph on July 15, 2006, at 8:50:48
In reply to The Preying Mantis, posted by hairy bat phd on July 14, 2006, at 13:20:30
This is really good. A slam dunk. Many of us here fight compulsions in our lives, the urge to quit work, quit life, quit meds, quit our families, join a motorcycle gang, you know, stuff like that. I hope we see more of your writing, bat.
Posted by Declan on July 18, 2006, at 19:00:41
In reply to Re: The Preying Mantis » hairy bat phd, posted by susan47 on July 14, 2006, at 20:53:37
Hey that was pretty cool. Orwell said that freedom was the freedom to say that 2 plus 2 equals 4. Dostoevsky wasn't so optimistic about us and said that freedom was the right to say that 2 plus 2 equals 5. When I held my baby close to any edge (when I stand next to any edge), and at other times, the thought of performing some senseless destructive act always comes.
Declan
Posted by cloudydaze on July 20, 2006, at 1:36:26
In reply to The Preying Mantis, posted by hairy bat phd on July 14, 2006, at 13:20:30
wow.
I have had similar things happen to me.
During my "psychotic episode" i actually hallucinated about bad things happening too. Horrifying.
you're writing is awesome, by the way.
I feel a little guilty, but "baby spiker" actually made me giggle.
This is the end of the thread.
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