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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 23:15:39
My personality tells me to be nice to people. to be agreeable and pleasant. I like to joke around and be sarcastic. but I think I'm going to give up on being nice to people. I don't care. you see, I feel no reward. nothing makes me happy. so why bother? I only continue to smile because it's habit. my smile is forced. I don't feel the happy. so, if someone does something that rationally deserves my good will. they have it. praise. but nasty coworkers who create vast swirls of drama, I won't smile and nod and forgive their offensive remarks, i'll just bounce them back. they can't hurt me any more. nothing hurts, nothing happys. so what? no cares? no worries. the only pain is my own. it doesn't come from without, just from within. i wont' be spiteful on purpose, but i won't be a sponge for all the hate in the world. I will be a mirror. coworker wants to rant, I'll ask her whether she's trying to make herself feel better by making me feel worse. coworker wants to create tension? I'll ask her why she wants everyone as tightly wound as herself. Coworker wants to be late to a meeting. I'll ask her why she wanted to be late to a meeting. i won't eat anymore. the food means nothing. it tastes like? who cares what it tastes like. i won't do anything anymore. punctuation? editing? i only include it to help separate my own thoughts. i write to myself. it's not for communicating. it's for expressing. i write too much anyways. if you're reading this, you . [censored uncivil thought] just because i consider myself low, lazy, dumb doesn't mean that the innocent reader has to become my victim. well. i guess that's it. another day of this, and i think it's going to end badly. i just want to feel something. and if there's nothing in the present, past or future that motivates me, what's the point of the future? i'm just expending precious energy, taking up space, and cluttering people's minds. Dead weight. i often wonder what the first cut feels like. pain hurts, but not emotionally. does that make any sense? the worst is the contrast between external happiness and internal misery. that's why no happy hour today. that's why no buttertarts for me. that's why i don't call my friends. i don't want to hear their happy voices cheering me on. i just want to hear the negation of my self. make me go away. because if i cease to be, then at least i won't feel that contrast. i need to feel tears, they won't even come. i feel like an empty well. if i could cry, maybe it would bring relief, but i've tried to find relief before. i don't care anymore. i tried hard to keep my friday night under control. i failed. but at least i'm satisfied with my failure. the anhedonia wins. and i feel bad because there are people here on pbabble who are good hearted and they will read this and maybe i hurt them a little bit. it's sad. collateral damage. i'm sorry. i think i'm going to take a timeout.
Posted by Declan on May 20, 2006, at 18:09:42
In reply to anhedonistic ravings. triggers?, posted by llrrrpp on May 19, 2006, at 23:15:39
Does it mean that your own negative voice is comfortable to you? Is this what's meant by masochism? Of course the world, history, people, everyhing, is full of self inflicted wounds. Maybe there was a helpful psychological function to be able to say
'we acknowledge and bewail our manifold sins and wickedness, which we from time to time most grievously have committed........We do earnestly repent, and are heartily sorry for these our misdoings; The rememberance of them is grievous unto us, the burden of them is intolerable. Have mercy upon us, have mercy upon us, most merciful Father......Forgive us all that is past'
(Don't you love that? 'Forgive us all that is past?' And 'rememberance')
I've just been thinking about your posts, I guess.
Posted by curtm on May 21, 2006, at 21:00:56
In reply to Re: anhedonistic ravings. triggers? » llrrrpp, posted by Declan on May 20, 2006, at 18:09:42
Pleasure is where you find it, and it's there for the taking, Aaargh!
This is the end of the thread.
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