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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on May 20, 2004, at 14:49:36
Look at me. The angry fool. When I left you that day I was in a daze as I walked away, it wasn’t until my thoughts broke through like water crashing over the rocks. At that moment I was so alone and so totally broken. Nothing I had to bring to you or offer you was accepted, and somehow I found out that it never would be. I’d never be good enough for you and I’d never get my way. Didn’t you know, wouldn’t you wait for just a minute. They don’t love you like I love you. Were you just going to throw me away out the door? Here’s my life, here’s my heart and I have to go. You just don’t understand. How angry I was at you, I wanted to smash that mirror with my skull until I blacked out. At least then there was some relief from the pain. Except that nothing takes it away, and its going to come rushing back in from the moment I open my eyes. I see myself through your eyes and I feel like I’m something special to you, I’m worth breaking all the rules. If you’re going to make me follow the rules then you are not my friend. I just keep running, bicycling away until my heart catches in my throat and I’m going to throw up. My head is just going to burst. I keep trying to run ahead and stay as far ahead as I can with your voice lingering in my head like a lullaby and hate myself for every moment I let this eat away at me. I won’t give up on you, yet I hate you for it and I love you for everything you are and everything that you make me when you’re in the room. I hate that I don’t have what it takes to make you forget reality and love me without any regard for consequence and suffering. I would sacrifice my life for your love. Life isn’t worth living without it. Every word you speak to me is a kind of divine medicine that I’m completely addicted to. I’ll do anything to be behind your footsteps, to spend a minute or an hour in your world. I don’t know how to stop or how to change. My feelings for you seem as real as the concrete I walk on, and with every step my feet ring out in my ears. I’m so far away from you. All that I crave is that nearness towards you and your smile assuring me that I’m okay, only your eyes can give me that assurance, no one, nothing else. I’m crawling in this life. My cheek rests on a sopping wet puddle on my pillow, waking up from another dream that wasn’t real. That is never going to be real. It isn’t funny. Nobody understands. Nobody wants to understand. They don’t understand the pain and my torture. Every moment feels like an uncomfortable body suit, I’m crying out in misery, bound in the moment unable to move myself from this paralyzing fear and pain. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and find some way out, with my hands waving in front of me, begging you to stop and follow me and give me what I want. You know something I don’t. How I hate you for it. You don’t know how easy it would be.
Posted by fayeroe on May 20, 2004, at 15:37:55
In reply to Something I wrote about my feelings for my T, posted by tinydancer on May 20, 2004, at 14:49:36
very, very moving, tinydancer~~~~~
Posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2004, at 20:08:58
In reply to Re: Something I wrote about my feelings for my T » tinydancer, posted by fayeroe on May 20, 2004, at 15:37:55
Wow! This really brings out the pain you are feeling. I especially liked this line:
"My feelings for you seem as real as the concrete I walk on, and with every step my feet ring out in my ears."
(((tinydancer)))
gg
Posted by crushedout on May 20, 2004, at 20:12:53
In reply to Re: Something I wrote about my feelings for my T, posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2004, at 20:08:58
i think i understand what you feel tiny.
Posted by tinydancer on May 21, 2004, at 1:36:23
In reply to Re: Something I wrote about my feelings for my T, posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2004, at 20:08:58
This is the end of the thread.
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