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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AMD on October 2, 2006, at 8:49:36
Folks,
It's been a long time since my last visit. Of course, I turn to the board for help, as usual.
Most of you know my history. What you may not know is that over the past couple of months I've gotten my life back under control - I get to work on time, am going to graduate school, and have been spending weeknights at home relaxing and not out getting blitzed. I've also quit using cocaine.
That said, some colleagues of mine invited me out Friday and, after almost deciding no, I ended up going with them to a bar downtown. Well, a few hours later, I blacked out. I don't remember getting home, but I do remember sleeping on the street for a couple hours, and waking up realizing I was a few blocks from home. The rest is a blur.
That was, as I said, Friday, and I'm at the office today, so I haven't missed any work.
But I am still feeling very horrible. I expected to feel bad Saturday, but as of now (morning) I am feeling tired, zoned out, and overall unable to focus. I find myself misspelling words, and using the same words two or more times in a paragraph. I feel anxious, and my mind won't stay focused. Yesterday I was acting dyslexic, asking for a "Violet Parsity" pen (I mean Pilot Varsity!) and other oral twists. My word recall is very poor.
Did I do something I'm not going to recover from? I slipped - but was this a permanent slip now? I'm rather upset as I was feeling so much better, and have been on the right track. To see all that work thrown away from one night would devestate me.
Can I expect to feel better and more clear-headed soon? If there was permanent damage, am I experiencing the symptoms?
(For the record, I have been very sharp and clear-headed lately, I believe.)
Rereading this message, I feel it's very rambling, and unorganized: exactly how I'm feeling right now.
amd
Posted by Declan on October 8, 2006, at 2:58:37
In reply to Long time ..., posted by AMD on October 2, 2006, at 8:49:36
Nice to see you. I can't help you with feeling clear headed, but would like to drink with you for an hour or so (should be allright?).
How many standard drinks do you reckon you had to make you sleep on the sidewalk?
Are you still on an SSRI? I couldn't see the point of that myself, but I've never tried them either.
Could you take Hydergine? You might like it, if you sleep well now. Neuroprotective perhaps. Feels kinda nice.
Declan
Posted by AMD on October 8, 2006, at 13:24:36
In reply to Life is a terminal illness » AMD, posted by Declan on October 8, 2006, at 2:58:37
Hi,
Thanks for the response.
I turned out fine -- well, as fine as I can be given my history. *Knock on wood.* I just had a couple groggy days.
Didn't go out this weekend, so this is now some almost ten weeks of having been clean. I feel a lot better in some ways, and a little loopier in others!
amd
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 24, 2006, at 10:54:32
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness, posted by AMD on October 8, 2006, at 13:24:36
I feel that way for a few days after a major drinking binge. Then I get better.
Never used any other drugs other than alcohol and prescribed psych meds.
-Li
Posted by AMD on November 7, 2006, at 12:32:57
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness » AMD, posted by Lindenblüte on October 24, 2006, at 10:54:32
> I feel that way for a few days after a major drinking binge. Then I get better.
>
> Never used any other drugs other than alcohol and prescribed psych meds.
>
> -LiI have been being consistent in my job and hours, but I have been slipping into a once-weekly pattern of binge drinking and drug use, typically a Friday or Saturday night thing.
My head is spinning right now from Saturday night out - and I'm filled with the typical dread. Unable to concentrate, sad, and physically ill. I'm worried I may have done liver or brain damage this time which will not subside. Is this going to go away?
What is the prognosis for someone with this addiction pattern? Is it likely I am depleted of vitamin B or other essentials? I eat regularly, lots of grains, and take fish oil and a vitamin supplement daily. Last week I was all right, but I really over did on Saturday night and can't focus at all right now. Want to go to bed, etc.
I am making it to work, but I feel like a vegetable and I have a horrid image of at any minute having a stroke or worse.
If I can kick this -- am I ever going to get better? Is there anything I can take to ignite this process?
Help.
amd
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 13:48:51
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness » Lindenblüte, posted by AMD on November 7, 2006, at 12:32:57
Hi AMD,
I'm hearing your cry for help, and I really want to be there for you. I'm totally ignorant about how to stop this self-destructive pattern. I guess my recommendation to you would be to find an alternative activity during the times when you are prone to drinking/drugging yourself senseless.Don't hang out with the people who enable you (at least not over the weekends). Make a regular date with a group of "safe" friends. See a movie, have a home video evening over at your place. "forget" to bring wine. Go shopping. Sign up for a yoga class, or get season passes to the theater or opera.
If you cannot find a "safe" group of friends, try going to an AA or NA meeting that meets during a time when you have a weakness to binge. Maybe a group meets on Saturday night- 7pm. You can get the bad feelings out of your system, rather than just numbing them for another week.
Long term, it will be important for you to figure out what you're trying to numb- are you trying to escape anxiety? poor self-esteem? your past? Therapy can help you sort out these complicated feelings.
you're only human. Use the other 6 days a week to set up a support system for the days when you know you run into trouble.
best,
-Li
Posted by AMD on November 7, 2006, at 15:19:48
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness » AMD, posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 13:48:51
Thanks Li,
It's hardest right now, when I'm feeling very ill and depressed. Unfocused mentally. Worried my cognition and energy won't come back. Worried I'm going to be hospitalized when I should be leading a company.
I just want to zonk out right now, until it passes, you know? But what if it doesn't pass?
I've been trying to find more creative outlets for my energies, but it's hard. And today I hear that voice in my head repeating, "It's too late now," "It's too late now," "It's too late now," and I worry my hopes and dreams are lost from last weekend's revelry.
amd
> Hi AMD,
> I'm hearing your cry for help, and I really want to be there for you. I'm totally ignorant about how to stop this self-destructive pattern. I guess my recommendation to you would be to find an alternative activity during the times when you are prone to drinking/drugging yourself senseless.
>
> Don't hang out with the people who enable you (at least not over the weekends). Make a regular date with a group of "safe" friends. See a movie, have a home video evening over at your place. "forget" to bring wine. Go shopping. Sign up for a yoga class, or get season passes to the theater or opera.
>
> If you cannot find a "safe" group of friends, try going to an AA or NA meeting that meets during a time when you have a weakness to binge. Maybe a group meets on Saturday night- 7pm. You can get the bad feelings out of your system, rather than just numbing them for another week.
>
> Long term, it will be important for you to figure out what you're trying to numb- are you trying to escape anxiety? poor self-esteem? your past? Therapy can help you sort out these complicated feelings.
>
> you're only human. Use the other 6 days a week to set up a support system for the days when you know you run into trouble.
>
> best,
> -Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 18:37:26
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness » Lindenblüte, posted by AMD on November 7, 2006, at 15:19:48
AMD,
you sound like you're a high achiever. I think I am too, but I know that when I was really really depressed, I didn't want anybody to know HOW sick I was. I tried SO hard to hide it, making up all kinds of excuses. I was paranoid that people would figure me out as a "fraud" or a "loser" or a "dumba*s" who didn't even know how to snap out of it.Depression is not something that you can ignore, hoping that it will get better. It doesn't respond well to alcohol, even though alcohol may be a willing escape in the short run.
The thing is that being a high-achiever may make you even more prone to having depression. You have more responsibilities, more duties, maybe you work more hours and have more stress than people who work under you. The good news is that if you have what it takes to get there, then you have what it takes to fight depression (or whatever your psychological struggle is called).
You have to admit that you have a problem (you've done that, here. That's really brave, and it takes a lot.)
The next step is to get other people involved in helping you. Maybe you're convinced that you're beyond help, but that's really only depression talking. It's never too late. REALLY. you can make it through this.
The point at which I really started to feel the tides turning in my depression was when I could sense myself lapsing into depressive thought. As soon as I learned to recognize it, I could learn to ignore it. I had a greater sense of control over how I could react to certain things, and I realized that the depression was exerting a parasitic influence on my mind. I COULD fight the parasite, and so can you, if you get the right tools.
If you're not already in therapy, you should find someone who can give you strategies and ways to think about your self-esteem that is less biased towards the negative. You may also consider taking meds, which are much safer and healthier for you than drinking/drugging yourself. Since you're already putting things into your body to help ease the pain, you might as well get a professional's advice.
Don't judge yourself so harshly-- you are doing the best that you can, but you need a little more support in real life- therapy and medication can give you the tools to turn this thing around. You're smart enough to do it. You work hard enough to do it. You are worth the fight. Really. You're worth fighting for, even if the Big D (that's what I call my "depressive voice") tells you otherwise.
Your cognition and energy will come back. I found that my cognitive symptoms responded within days to my increase in antidepressant. The first time I started taking AD, it took about 7 days, but at some point, I realized that I was able to read again, when I hadn't been able to read for a month, at least!)
You haven't done anything permanent to your brain. It's a very impressive organ, and it can rebound from many traumas, given enough TLC. Take care of it, and it will serve you well for many many more years.
You are right, the depression might not pass on its own. However, given NO treatment, most depressions do resolve gradually in 4-6 months (My T told me that in the olden days, they used to take people who were in depressive crisis, like me, and lock them in the sanitarium for a few months until they were no longer a danger to themselves.) It may pass, but you don't HAVE to suffer that way. You can get the upper hand. It just takes a few baby steps.
Find some phone numbers, make some calls. I know it's hard. You don't have energy. Your head is probably hurting by now.
You can beat The Big D. I KNOW it.
cheering you on,
-Li
Posted by AMD on November 7, 2006, at 18:59:39
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness » AMD, posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 18:37:26
This is a very inspiring post, and you hit the nail on the head in many places. Definitely an overachiever, with very high expectations for myself and my life.
I am actually on AD's already, three: Lamictal, Celexa, and Provigil.
In addition to the alcohol, I've been a chronic user of cocaine (two years now, weekends primarily). Does this make my prospects much worse?
I just want to be able to relax and enjoy my life, concentrate on my work, and not feel depressed and sad every day, like I am now. I feel like trying to do anything ambitious, or anything involving cognitive skills, will actually hurt my brain, pulling me into a deeper abyss.
*sigh*
amd
> AMD,
> you sound like you're a high achiever. I think I am too, but I know that when I was really really depressed, I didn't want anybody to know HOW sick I was. I tried SO hard to hide it, making up all kinds of excuses. I was paranoid that people would figure me out as a "fraud" or a "loser" or a "dumba*s" who didn't even know how to snap out of it.
>
> Depression is not something that you can ignore, hoping that it will get better. It doesn't respond well to alcohol, even though alcohol may be a willing escape in the short run.
>
> The thing is that being a high-achiever may make you even more prone to having depression. You have more responsibilities, more duties, maybe you work more hours and have more stress than people who work under you. The good news is that if you have what it takes to get there, then you have what it takes to fight depression (or whatever your psychological struggle is called).
>
> You have to admit that you have a problem (you've done that, here. That's really brave, and it takes a lot.)
>
> The next step is to get other people involved in helping you. Maybe you're convinced that you're beyond help, but that's really only depression talking. It's never too late. REALLY. you can make it through this.
>
> The point at which I really started to feel the tides turning in my depression was when I could sense myself lapsing into depressive thought. As soon as I learned to recognize it, I could learn to ignore it. I had a greater sense of control over how I could react to certain things, and I realized that the depression was exerting a parasitic influence on my mind. I COULD fight the parasite, and so can you, if you get the right tools.
>
> If you're not already in therapy, you should find someone who can give you strategies and ways to think about your self-esteem that is less biased towards the negative. You may also consider taking meds, which are much safer and healthier for you than drinking/drugging yourself. Since you're already putting things into your body to help ease the pain, you might as well get a professional's advice.
>
> Don't judge yourself so harshly-- you are doing the best that you can, but you need a little more support in real life- therapy and medication can give you the tools to turn this thing around. You're smart enough to do it. You work hard enough to do it. You are worth the fight. Really. You're worth fighting for, even if the Big D (that's what I call my "depressive voice") tells you otherwise.
>
> Your cognition and energy will come back. I found that my cognitive symptoms responded within days to my increase in antidepressant. The first time I started taking AD, it took about 7 days, but at some point, I realized that I was able to read again, when I hadn't been able to read for a month, at least!)
>
> You haven't done anything permanent to your brain. It's a very impressive organ, and it can rebound from many traumas, given enough TLC. Take care of it, and it will serve you well for many many more years.
>
> You are right, the depression might not pass on its own. However, given NO treatment, most depressions do resolve gradually in 4-6 months (My T told me that in the olden days, they used to take people who were in depressive crisis, like me, and lock them in the sanitarium for a few months until they were no longer a danger to themselves.) It may pass, but you don't HAVE to suffer that way. You can get the upper hand. It just takes a few baby steps.
>
> Find some phone numbers, make some calls. I know it's hard. You don't have energy. Your head is probably hurting by now.
>
> You can beat The Big D. I KNOW it.
>
> cheering you on,
> -Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on November 7, 2006, at 19:15:17
In reply to Re: Life is a terminal illness, posted by AMD on November 7, 2006, at 18:59:39
Hi amd,
my post inspired you ? wow-- I'm really touched. That means a lot to me, seriously. Thanks for telling me.
Maybe it's time to tweak your AD routine. I just recently had to increase my dose of AD and I'm responding REALLY well to the increase.
Are you working with a pdoc right now? Have you told him/her about the alcohol and cocaine? He might be able to figure out a way for you to break this pattern without causing too much instability.
I'm not sure what your prospects are-- I'm not a pdoc or anything. The main factor for your recovery will be how much support you can gather as you make some choices that could be painful/unpleasant in the short run, but ultimately beneficial in the long run.
Cocaine will affect your ability to feel pleasure from simple things, if chronically abused. That statement is a gross generalization, because everyone reacts to drugs differently. It's probably not helping you, though, and it may be hurting you more than you realize.
I think you can find a pdoc that will not judge you for this habit you've developed. It's a symptom. Everyone has stress, and everyone has developed ways to cope with it. Your coping mechanism is not ideal, and is hurting you-- but that doesn't make you a bad person.
Can you open up to someone IRL about finding treatment that will give you tools to kick the self-medicating and ultimately to help you find the root of your suffering? Can you give yourself a chance?
still rooting for you! (you can't be THAT mindless, because your writing is clear, and you apparently managed to read my long post pretty quickly!) don't be so hard on yourself. Just accept the fact that you're human. You have to do everything that other humans do, regardless of your high expectations and gifts. When there's stress, you will suffer just like anyone else will, but you will also be able to learn how to get out of self-destructive patterns.
-Li
This is the end of the thread.
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