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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by WhyandHow on August 23, 2006, at 0:36:50
I have a long document I did most of last night that has more info then necessary. The bottom line is that I have been abusing Adder all this summer in large amounts. Since I am on probation for growing marijuana plants, they don't haven’t tested me for other things. The other night I went camping with the biggest dirtball on earth - I am not denying my own responsibility here but he is the Adderall supplier who is also prescribed Xanix, Clonozopan, and many other things by the same doctor! He sells the Adderall and this summer I was stupid enough to become the main buyer. 11pm at campsite: he was passed out on whatever, people at another site were drunk and carrying on so I decided to pack up and leave. At 2am the "dirtbag" calls me and says I have to pick him up because he is cold (it was in the 50's). I had been pulled over driving home - I was falling asleep. I told him that I was too tired but was somehow convinced by my adderall god to go anyway. On the way there I fell asleep and hit a telephone pole! I blew 0.0 for alcohol and seem to have passed the sobriety tests BUT this is a HUGE wakeup call! I have so much at steak - almost done with a deferred judgment for pot (I view as the one therapeutic and relatively harmless drug on the illegal list - nothing like this stuff!). I am in college at about 40 and have done well so far. I have always been a likeable and kind hearted person etc. My first year on probation I had a "good" PO. Since then I have had a "bitch" who would love to see me fail or get into trouble (uses power trips from job to meet some need). While my main concern is getting off the Adderall and knowing the depression and such, I find myself more worried that she will suddenly decide to test me for benzoids or something after hearing about the car incident. I just want a few days to get off things but I don't have it. Between my part-time job and self employed job AND school (just started fulltime classes for fall today), I MUST succeed. I meant to quit earlier and was did spend a week or 2 off the crap between his monthly doses. Last time I drank for a few nights (didn't help depression much), and then was almost back on track with no more BUT he/I got it again. I am SO scared since this drug is nothing like anything I have done before and I cannot let PO know - if I loose deferment then my life is over. I am afraid to talk to anyone. I would get about 40 pills (30 MG) and snort about 6 or 7 of them per 24 hour period - staying up for 3 days and nights at a time. Now he reported a fake burglary to get extra meds (his quack doc even upped all of his dosages!) and I am super scared of where I am at right now - I have 30 pills stashed that I want to flush. I normally take some Xanix with them and that would be a good thing for a short term to get rid of this but am afraid of suddenly being tested for bunions based on events/suspicion so I have been trying to find out if Ambient is detected on Benzoic strip tests - all I get is advertisements when I do searches. If I loose my deferment (the bitch would love it - she tried to take it away a couple years back for marijuana) my life would be over - no more career - no more anything. Even WITH a deferred, nowadays it still must be brought up for pro licenses in any profession - the system hasn’t changed but 9-11 and technology make the same things 100 times worse.
I have to report contact with law enforcement so I did so the afternoon after the telephone pole via voicemail since I could not get her. The next day has gone by with no call. I wish I could just think about my own recovery from this instead of her first - but that’s the way it is. I am drinking alcohol (Vodka and Orange Juice) and I will probably take 20MG of Ambien tonight for my own sanity (so I don't stay up) and just hope that if tomorrow morning at I call the recording and its my day for a "random" drug test I don't suddenly I find Benzoids added to my list. The pleasure of this damn drug has ended - I wish I would have never touched it now.
How much miseries will there be? (initially it deceived me but I know now that I am on the verge of serious physical symptoms if I don't stop soon). I had a history of cocaine abuse when younger etc.....father died at 53 of a heart attack.....etc.
It has been about 2 and a half months with binges lasting a week or 10 days where I would stay up for 3 twenty four hour periods many times...
Last night I only did a tiny bit (90MG? - the last there was until this morning). Even though I paid money for this crap I should flush it! I will probably wait till I have slept and check the random UA recording.
Is Ambien detected on a Benzoid "strip test" the next day? (it has such a short half life but I don't know about the testable metabolites).
If I had the "decent" PO I had the first year of probation I would probably tell her and let her make me do the right thing (?)- but no way with this bitch.
I want to talk to a doctor but don't have any. I am supposedly covered under SSDI starting 9-1 but I don't understand it (and the PO hates her tax dollars being spent on me). I am a good person - hard to believe right now.
THE THING IS NOTHING I SAY HERE REALLY MATTERS. I SIMPLY MUST STOP BUT EVERY MEANS OF DOING SO JEPARDIZES MYSELF OR CAUSES PROBLEMS AS MUCH or more AS IF I DON'T (already had a little incident at work etc - did well in resolving it).
I have 3 classes tomorrow - and more. No matter what I must just quit at an important time - no more using it to get through anything - those chances are past.
Please advice.
Posted by WhyandHow on August 25, 2006, at 20:28:14
In reply to Adderall Abuse - Our life is at steak, posted by WhyandHow on August 23, 2006, at 0:36:50
Believe it or not the original post was the "short version". I have fealt like sh*t since I posted it but the next morning I took 32 pills (left from the 40 I got the day before) and FLUSHED THEM. I knew I was on the edge of major problems if I didn't and could not wait for a more convenient time. It has been almost 72 hours since my last pill was snorted and I feel very depressed. That morning I called a couple people from a church I had stopped beinng real active in - I needded to talk to somebody even thought I was afraid to because of any legal consequences in my situation. I can't believe I was so stupid to let myself get in this deep with my history of addictions but Adderall was about the most deceptive and dangerous drug I had done. The person I was getting them from is THE most dangerous person I had EVER associated with.
Since I just started a full time semester at school (usually do well), a part time job I almost totally messed up, and a side job which is a hopefull seed for a real business next summer, I have just been trying to maintain and tell myself that it can only get better.
I hope I am through the worst withdraw but feel like it will be heavy depresion now that I am maybe through the most dangerous physical part.
I was hoping for some feedback from anyone here.
Posted by WhyandHow on August 26, 2006, at 21:17:42
In reply to Adderall Abuse - Our life is at steak, posted by WhyandHow on August 23, 2006, at 0:36:50
I used alcohol for 2 nights of semi-half sanity but cannot contue that. I have a few Ambiens that are helping at night (back in history I had a prescription to them for 2 years, but gave it up after changing states and loosing health coverage, Now a few years later, it would seem to be the right thing to helpgetting off the other crap / allowing me a decent nights sleep while I feel I'm going nuts with other physical symptoms and the huge load of school and work I am starting. I just REALLY HOPE that feelings of misery (physical and mentelly) will subside soon. I flushed the Adderall on Wednesday morning - it is now Saturday night. Its hard to believe where I had let myself get to. I don't remember some things but I know I used the "superpower" feeling to resolve some problems that were also caused by it. I just hhope I can go on and leave it behind.
I don't know where I spent some of my money that I need now. The dog is out of dog food so I am sharing the little I have with him.
From what I can tell, Ambien will not give a POSitive test result on a benzoid urine test.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 16:25:53
In reply to Adderall Abuse - Our life is at steak, posted by WhyandHow on August 23, 2006, at 0:36:50
W&H,
You mention that you are a student. Is there a counselor at school that you can talk to? Perhaps you don't need to get into the legal issues, but just to talk to someone about getting through this week and staying safe? How about narcotics anonymous? Just something where you can feel a little more connected to the real world, and get some support.You've made it this far- you can keep going. It's going to get better. Slowly, sometimes with a setbacks, but yes, it's getting better already.
Drink lots of fluids, and take care to treat yourself gently. If you need to escape the real world, try going to a movie, or go to the theaters all day long. It's better than alcohol.
Here's what my T said when I told him that I was abusing alcohol.
Alcohol is a wonderful anti-depressant, but it has some bad side effects, including-- depression.
If Larry Hoover were around, he might recommend Taurine supplements. Do a search for taurine and Larry Hoover, and I bet you'll find a lot of helpful suggestions.
The withdrawal board might also be a good place to get some support from people who have experience with withdrawal.
-ll
Posted by WhyandHow on August 28, 2006, at 0:22:30
In reply to Re: Adderall Abuse » WhyandHow, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 16:25:53
Thanks for the response. In all my years of addiction nothing has thrown me for a loop like this. It was so deceptive at first. Like I was just starting to expirment with cocaine back in my early 20's. I would of course combine it with Benziods (thus the speed would wear off and I would fall asleep). Day 5 - still feel like crap - some of that is pyschological fears and maybe the Benzoid quitting on top of it. I have a few Ambien and am taking just that now at bedtime. That wasn't prescribed either but I have no doctor so..... thats all that is left and only for a few more nights. No more alcohol or other benzoids and certainly no more Adderall! I am going to a meeting on Monday night. It may seem like a stupid thought depending on who you are but marijuana would have been much better then this! (If I wasn't on probation for pot then I could just smoke a bit of that and not have any desire for the other much harmful stuff WHICH I DON"T NOW Anyway! If I can just maintain school and work and keep the PO bitch off me for 8 months I could have a life. No time for movies but that is a good thoght for a sATURDAY NIGHT AFTER DOING SOME OF MY OTHER SIDE WORK.
Posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:12:07
In reply to Re: Adderall Abuse, posted by WhyandHow on August 28, 2006, at 0:22:30
That's Great W&H,
Sounds like you're doing much better. Keep up your hard work. When the stuff is out of your system, you'll begin to heal and it might be unpleasant, but ultimately worthwhile.Kind of like how a big wound itches as it starts to heal, and I want to scratch it SOOO bad, but I can't because it will cause scarring. Ever been there? Well, your brain and other systems are kind of out of whack, but with some TLC, they will begin to heal too.
I'm glad you're going to a meeting. That's a great step.
yours,
-ll
Posted by WhyandHow on November 17, 2006, at 17:57:01
In reply to Re: Adderall Abuse » WhyandHow, posted by llrrrpp on August 28, 2006, at 7:12:07
Well, I gradually ended up on Xanax. I feel like the biggest idiot on earth even though I just wrote a big research paper on prescription crug abuse. See my last 2 recent posts. Day 4 off of Xanix - trying to make the right choices one FINAL time.
Posted by WhyandHow on November 17, 2006, at 18:06:38
In reply to Re: Adderall Abuse » WhyandHow, posted by llrrrpp on August 27, 2006, at 16:25:53
Thanks a lot for you advice a few months back with the Adderall. I have never considered touching it again! I cannot believe it but now I am in withdraw from Xanax and feel like a piece of sh*t. Why was I stupid enough to let my self go from a "little bit" of Xanax to regular use and physical dependence? I KNOW better! I did underestimate the strenghth and danger as compared to other benzoids but still - I need to get past this and NEVER make such a stupid choie again. I am on day 4 and have been putting off going to this guy - an hour away to get his last sic 2mg bars (I sure want to! - it would relieve my misery!). But I figure if I have made it into day 4 without any - taking even a little now could just prolong the misery longer. What do you think ? I have a new post on about it and posted a recent research paper I did. I am maintaining my last couple nights (and only enough for a couple more nights) with Lunesta that this person had leftover from a script he didn't use. I was on Ambien from the same person for the last few months straight - knowing it was not like a benzoid, but now have no more of that at the same time I am geting off Xanix (just a few of the Lunesta).
This is the end of the thread.
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