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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 18, 2006, at 1:42:07
Had absolutely no idea where to post this. It belongs on the social/substance use/faith/psychology/etc board.
Today, I had a number of disappointments.It looks like I might no longer be eligible for medicaid, which means either I have to stop
seeing my docs, or find some way to get the cash. Part of me says screw the meds, screw the docs.Before that though, I saw my psychiatrist. He wants to increase on of my meds because I've been
getting more manic. Not being able to get to bed before early morning seems to be a problem. I was seriously hoping that I could continue cutting them down, having stopped the drinking. I was hoping that alcohol was the cause of all of my mental problems. Now they want me back on more meds.Some say that if you're on any meds, you're not sober. I hate being on meds. I want to get rid of them. If anyone was bipolar, you'd know
what I mean. These drugs just aren't fun, and very few people would take them recreationally.I also found out that a friend of mine who is a High Priestess had asked the members of her coven if they would mind having me as a member. I didn't realize that she was going to do this, and didn't realize that she was this seriously considering asking me to study again with her for initiation. Anyway, the other women of the coven decided that they were not comfortable having me as a member just yet, because of the ways I was raised, and being transgendered.
On the plus side, she said that if we could find a group of others like me who where interested, maybe we could start another coven. Slim chances of that around here though.
I don't know about anyone else, but today has been just plain crap. It hurt like hell because it brings back all those memories of being
marginalized, abused and hurt when I was younger. It got so bad that when I was in 8th grade, the school kept me back thinking that if I was in another class, I might get along with those students. I could never explain the real reasons I wasn't getting along simply because I was told that I was the embodiment of sin. I was going to hell. I was trying like mad to change though, but the rest of the students recognized that I was different, and they capitalized on it as much as they could.
When I got into high school, my senior year, I started getting along with other students because I was old enough to buy alcohol. That was my first experience in *getting along* but it wasn't because of who I was... It was because I had a license to buy.
Anyway. I got home from a meeting tonight still feeling like crap. Not able to focus on the school work that I should be doing right
now. Agitated as hell. I open the fridge looking for milk, and all that's there is my roommates beer. I wanted to drink. She's got a bottle of JD under the counter. I wanted to drink.
Right now, I'm having real trouble. The fears, doubts and insecurities are rearing their ugly heads higher and fiercer than they have for close to the 5 months that I've been sober. Part of me
wants to say F*&^ it. There's still the voices that I have heard at the meetings though saying "you don't have to drink even if you want
to".
Oh well, it's going on 3:00, and I guess I had better take my new, improved, increased dosage of my meds.
Crap crap crap and more crap. Go figure.Anyway, to the rest of you, an old old blessing:
Flags, flax, fodder and fr*g.In english, may you have a home in which to live, clothes upon your body, food to fill your belly, and love to fill your heart.
--Dee
Posted by zenhussy on February 18, 2006, at 2:19:06
In reply to REALLY crappy day., posted by deirdrehbrt on February 18, 2006, at 1:42:07
dee,
you're so strong and have been though so much. this isn't this time to chuck meds even though it would be the nicest treat to not have to take another pill.we're fading fast. your post is something that we hope you can return to later and see the choices you've been making in these difficult situations are ones that are keeping you healthier and moving you forward in a life you're wanting to live instead of just being alive and trudging along.
our sympathies about the coven. we're hurt along with you as we know that is something positive in your life.
proud of your work. proud of you as a person. and we like ya too!
__zh
Posted by AuntieMel on February 19, 2006, at 11:13:53
In reply to REALLY crappy day., posted by deirdrehbrt on February 18, 2006, at 1:42:07
" Some say that if you're on any meds, you're not sober."
Well, then, they have their own problems, don't they. Perhaps for them, that is true?
The place I sometimes go to says if you are on legally prescribed medication only you are sober.
Don't let them get you down. If you do they win.
Posted by James K on February 21, 2006, at 19:53:11
In reply to REALLY crappy day., posted by deirdrehbrt on February 18, 2006, at 1:42:07
I'm feeling for you. Saw this late, cause i've had my own problems.
I wish I knew more about the medicaid/care situation, that's politics, and that's my specialty. But until I have to I haven't learned it yet. You've done so much in your life. This can't stop you.I hope you didn't drink. If you did, stop. AA giving me psych med crap kept me out of AA for 13 years. It may keep me out of AA forever. screw them (who are they? AA is just people - all different all with problems of their own).
I'm disapointed that an "alternative spirituality" would act like a "traditional church" but again - just people.
Stay strong, you've helped me here lately. I hope something I can do or say will help you.
James K
Posted by deirdrehbrt on February 21, 2006, at 20:53:45
In reply to Re: REALLY crappy day. » deirdrehbrt, posted by James K on February 21, 2006, at 19:53:11
Thanks everyone...
I didn't drink. I just know where it would take me if I did, and I don't want to be there. It's just not worth it. Anyway, I'm going to go back, and re-apply for the medicaid. We'll see if it makes any difference.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
--Dee.
This is the end of the thread.
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