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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
Hi all,
Is it possible to date someone if you have moderate depression that has lasted several years? Is it fair to the other person to put that upon them?
But is it fair that I must be alone all my life?
If you start dating, when do you tell the person about your illness? It can be quite a burden to both partners.
Any advice greatly appreciated!
Roslynn
Posted by Angela2 on June 30, 2014, at 16:31:46
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
Hi Roslynn,
I think everyone should be able to date. Not just those who are "mentally sound." If you're taking care of yourself and your health, that's all that matters in my opinion. So I'd say, if you're hesitant about dating, because you worry you might be a burden on the person you dateget that thought out of your head. If you're getting that thought from other people, anyway. Only you know when you're ready to date.
I have struggled with depression for years and I date, and I don't see myself as a burden. Also I think that if you have a mental health issue, it can be a chance for someone who is dating you, to learn about you, and love you even more. Or vice versa, if you are dating someone with a mental health issue.
I'm not saying I know everything. Or that it's not difficult. I have social anxiety, and for a long time, it was and still is in some ways, hard for me to be in a serious relationship because of all the stresses that come along with it. But that's what I want, a serious relationship, so I'm working on myself first.
I am in a place where I feel like I don't need to date right now. But for a long time, a few years up until recently, it was the opposite. I was very lonely and needed the company of someone. Now I'm learning what I like, and love, and my passions and what is meaningful to me.it's fun. And I'm doing it alone.
When would I tell someone I'm dating about my illness? I'd personally not say it on the first date :P and just read the person. If we start to get close, I will tell. I don't really feel too ashamed of having depression and anxiety. My other diagnoses though, can be uncomfortable telling, because I myself am not comfortable with what they "mean," and I worry that the other person might not "Get it," or will judge me.
It's too bad about mental health and the stigma. :(
I hope I gave you at least some coherent advice and didn't babble too much. Psycho babble, lol, I made a pun :)Take care.
Posted by Angela2 on June 30, 2014, at 16:34:04
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
A note of advice that someone gave me once
You are not your illness. You are so much more.
Posted by Phillipa on June 30, 2014, at 18:11:20
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
Why not unless you have an uncontrolled mental illness. Not naming any of them. But if you are living life normally. Then to me you are not mentally ill. Phillipa
Posted by Beckett on July 1, 2014, at 1:20:39
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
I make friends with real difficultly. I assume rejection based on, among other things, my history of depression. Reality is that when I confide a little, I meet acceptance more often than not. I'm too sensitive to find reliable comfort in the old 'better off with out them', but isn't it true? If I feel a relationship may be worth the risk, I find some disclosure usually brings a degree of relief. Besides, your history of depression is the smaller part of who you are. It could make you more interesting :-)
Posted by Roslynn on July 1, 2014, at 15:09:17
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
Thank you all for your feedback.
I tend to get a lot of questions such as "what do you do" etc, and I have not worked in several years. That's a tough one.
I am on a couple of internet dating sites and maybe that makes it harder. I went out with a guy whom I'd told I have depression (We'd been texting a long time and he had to drive far to see me). He seems to accept this but when he met me he seemed to not really understand what depression is, and he kind of freaked out. It was weird.
I know I should stay away from internet dating but I don't tend to meet anyone ever, not in social groups or anything. So much here is the bar scene and I don't drink and can't drive at night.
Thank you for your support everyone!
Ros
Posted by Phillipa on July 1, 2014, at 18:58:34
In reply to Re: dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on July 1, 2014, at 15:09:17
That experience kindda stinks. I'd save the telling till later. As for not working. Family problems? Phillipa
Posted by Phil on July 1, 2014, at 23:00:42
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
Wait 3 months to tell them. Do not tell them up front.
chances are that they have been on meds themselves or they know friends that are on them.
when my dx changed to bipolar ten years ago i ran a singles ad in the chronicle, austin's weekly music rag. i emailed back and forth with 2 different ladies. I had never read anything about "when to tell" if you are bipolar. both seemed like nice people and maybe even like friends. so, i told one that i didn't want to waste your time and I want to be fair in case it might be an issue. I was diagnosed with bipolar a few months ago. told both kind of the same thing and got pretty much the same answer.
I have a friend with bipolar and they f*ck*ng drive me NUTS!!!
Most people don't freak out that much with depression but if you're bipolar almost every single person will have a problem with it.
Posted by Angela2 on July 2, 2014, at 13:41:32
In reply to Re: dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on July 1, 2014, at 15:09:17
Hey Roslynn. I have had my fair share of time on internet dating sites too. I've had mostly unpleasant and weird experiences. I met weirdos, perverts, and had a date kind of like yours, where online and in text, he seemed really cool, but in real life, just didn't deliver. And he seemed uninterested in me, bummer. Just don't blame yourself for his reaction to your illness.
Posted by Beckett on July 2, 2014, at 18:10:15
In reply to dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on June 30, 2014, at 15:20:49
On the other hand, my sister has had great luck online. She met her fiance,(who is on an AD and anti-anxiety med. He did wait a few months before disclosure), through an internet dating service. Likely having me as a sister increased her understanding.
Non-MI people cannot understand (for the most part). How could they? I certainly had no idea before my first breakdown hit like a freight train. My husband, after 30 years and all his support, does not understand fully and occasionally gives subliminally bootstrap pep talks.
All that said, >chances are that they have been on meds themselves or they know friends that are on them.
I do agree. (Is it o.k. to quote another post?) Maybe disclose when you feel there is an opening. You could take confidence from support here (and other sources) and in the true wisdom (knowledge?) gained (and strength and insight) from all your life experience which includes depression. And you could post here as you go?
I hear you about the work (unemployment) issue. During intake earlier this year, the resident expressed veiled incredulity when I said I hadn't worked in almost ten years. (He seemed to overlook my role as stay at home mom, so fixated this society on work and career. F him.). I say kudos for putting yourself out there! Keep hanging tough :-)
Posted by Phillipa on July 2, 2014, at 18:38:06
In reply to Re: dating with a mental illness » Roslynn, posted by Phil on July 1, 2014, at 23:00:42
Bipolar has a pretty bad rep as so many are not compliant with meds. Perfect my ex-father in law deceased now. Twice a year he totally lost it. Caused a lot of trouble for his wife, family and friends. Once back on meds he was fine. But he was one of the up up up and then crash crash crash. It was scary. I admit. Phillipa
Posted by Roslynn on July 4, 2014, at 12:39:22
In reply to Re: dating with a mental illness, posted by Phillipa on July 2, 2014, at 18:38:06
Wow, everyone, thank you for your responses. I really appreciate it. I still struggle with when to disclose. Especially with this online dating thing.
Thanks again and happy July 4th to everyone.
Roslynn
Posted by Phillipa on July 4, 2014, at 20:51:33
In reply to Re: dating with a mental illness, posted by Roslynn on July 4, 2014, at 12:39:22
After thinking it over why disclose if what is wrong isn't obvious to the other party? Let the dating begin and see where it leads to. Happy 4th to you also. Phillipa
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 9, 2014, at 13:59:57
In reply to Re: dating with a mental illness » Roslynn, posted by Phillipa on July 4, 2014, at 20:51:33
> After thinking it over why disclose if what is wrong isn't obvious to the other party? Let the dating begin and see where it leads to. Happy 4th to you also. Phillipa
What if the dreaded "what do you do" comes up?
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