![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 127 to 151 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 20:44:31
In reply to Re: fear, posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 18:43:45
i guess it is like that ny times article. about minimising the damage. being confronted with that jellyfish molecule and not f*ck*ng knowing what the f*ck was going on. you just... mop up the damage as best you can. that is basically where i'm at with the test tonight.
i should have spent the weekend focused on the concepts. setting up the paper set-up with the values we need... but instead i bailed, rather. spent most of the weekend watching youtube videos reviewing different models of calculator... researching how much different kinds of calculators aid / vs crutch learning... i know far more than i'll ever need to know about calculators...
having a meltdown realizing that most people are programming in numerical approximations of the formula... just need to alter the values for the details of particular questions we'll be asked. they have it all set up nicely like an equation...
they won't be doing calculator memory resets.
i...
the thing to do is to just not care. back to focusing on the textbook... using my new calculator properly... things will come together for me for the next test...
whatever / however other people do their thing... is none of my business.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 4:56:49
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 25, 2014, at 20:44:31
well, the test really wasn't anywhere near as bad as i'd feared. it really was mostly conceptual. i probably would have picked up a few more marks if i'd have focused on conceptual study over the weekend (e.g., i think i got some enthalpy stuff the wrong way round and perhaps even the whole q and k thing...) but... i don't think i would have done heaps and heaps better. even with a better calculator. which is more about... fit, i guess. really is more about feeling comfortable with it. instead of hating it. as i do mine.
it wouldn't have helped anybody to have things stored in memory or whatever... most people don't even seem to know about natural display. they have one line display scientific calculators (like mine) or they have casio graphical (which is unofficial mod upgrade to get natural display) which they weren't allowed for its alphanumeric..
i...
i'm tempted to say: i suck. but nothing sucks, i've learned. still... pressure... can turn people into *ssh*l*s, for sure. i wish i didn't turn into such an *ssh*l* when i get stressed about stuff...
not entirely sure what to do about it. not entirely sure what to do... i wish i wasn't such a horrid person :(
Posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 22:17:45
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 4:56:49
so model answers are up and... it is perhaps worse than i thought. doesn't seem quite so conceptual now. i can't for the life of me remember what i wrote... whether my explanations are good enough for the conceptual bits... it was a push to finish in time (just) so the whole thing was very hurried.
i don't know how many calculation errors i would have made. probably quite a lot. know i got some of the formula messed up... probably forgot to put a few units down, too, just so happy to have calculator arriving at something... possible.
i'll be pleased with an A-... Will take a B+... Anything less than that will hurt, rather, but... That might well be the reality of the situation. Guess quite a lot hangs on the comparative thing... How very much better / worse other people did...
Had a doctor appointment today. For the student health services here. Everything was going fine until the nurse (compulsory to see her beforehand for the first visit) wanted to blood pressure test me and weigh me and measure my height. Balked... I did. And then she got all sh*tty about non-compliance... And I was like 'I just want some propanolol and to get a lab thing for some bloods' and she was all sh*tty that I wouldn't let her grope me.
Then the doc... Meh. Whatever. Seems I don't need to sign a release form for her to get my notes from other places... She's going to have a ring around about me. Oh yay. Then on my way out... The receptionist was all like 'oh hey so you wouldn't let the nurse assess you' or whatever... All... Gossipy. As they are. You know, with the wait room being all full of bored people and all... And I was like 'I saw the nurse, I saw the doc, I just want to pay the fee and go'. And she was all determined to discuss it... And it kinda ended with her clutching my pay card to her chest refusing to give it back to me like some three year old... Because I wouldn't turn the whole thing into a drama...
In fact... That was what the doc said. Why was I making such a drama? And I was like 'I'M the one making the drama?' That I wanted to talk to the doc direct instead of having the nurse tell the doc that I told the nurse that...
What part of 'no means no' about touching is hard for people?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 16:50:45
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 26, 2014, at 22:17:45
my contact died.
the medical guy. who i was friends with in australia. who got a little too friendly at some point... who... stayed on the friend radar (though a lot more distantly after that). who... ended up being kicked out by his wife... ended up with some other lady... looking really good. lost heaps of weight. eventually... deteriorated. heart failure. death. he died. when i was in wellington. hit me hard, really. he was... like a father, yeah.
he gave me a referral when i was in aussie. to see the best gp i've ever seen in my whole entire life. she was... amazing. i don't think i took up particularly much of her time... but she was terrific. i felt heard. looking at some of the hormonal stuff... it's all still an issue for me, but in this country the party line is to laugh it off as cosmetic. cysts and infections and... well... who the f*ck cares. too hard.
i didn't go to his funeral. partly... it just seemed wrong. since i didn't get to my dads. that's weird, huh. mostly... i didn't have anything to wear. having to deal with heaps and heaps and heaps of other people... and the person i was staying with / would have gone with... would have been mostly enjoying the drama / family reunion aspect of the situation which wouldn't have sit so well with me...
uh.
point being... i really need a good gp. and i have no idea how to find one. not at student health, i know that for sure. they are more of an alliance of 9 or some freaking thing and you see whoever is free, anyway... probably not the rich suburbs either side (trophy wives probably don't mind being ripped off from socially gregarious doctors with the right look whatever they know / don't know)... i wonder if i should contact the autism support people for this... see if any adults on the spectrum have any positive reccommendations...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 17:31:47
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 16:50:45
i feel sick
i feel sad
i did everything i could.. everything i could.. to get supports set into place before things start to get hard. to prevent.
but this place isn't about prevention. it is about escalation. dramatization. entertainment.we don't have so very many people... but most of the people we do have... hordes... masses... hanging about doing nothing... getting nothing done... getting things done slowly...
numbing their minds on tv. 'new idea' magazines. new diet! new fattening recipe! new clothes! new makeup! new self help how to feel good about myself! mixed messages... conflict... just enough to keep people feeling... kicked. enough self blame for them to feel... settled. like they aren't deserving of more. enough social pressure to... make them feel worse if they are desirous of more...
it's supposed to be easy. easy or not at all. things like medicine. or even success... if you do work hard it's supposed to be all hidden away behind closed doors. nobody must see what real hard work looks like... that must be kept secret. hidden. pretend like it doesn't exist...
people might start getting ideas.
things feel... falling apart, rather. i need... someone to process... decompress... what i need to do do get through...
should i complain about the 'treatment' i got yesterday?
should i keep pursuing that issue about ppt availability before class (chem dept digging in heels - biology has changed it already)?
what should i do about this request for disability support for labs? just how insistant should i be?i can't tell what is reasonable... i'm so very vulerable... to people laughing 'you're just being silly! overreacting! drama queen!' then when i drop it having a laugh behind my back at my... and everyone's... sheeple. at how the sheeple don't even deserve any better because they are far too dumb to realize...
i don't have anyone... in my corner.
health 'professionals' of yesterday... looking after their own. each other.
i wonder where that gp goes... when she gets sick.
i bet it is the f*ck*ng hell right away from there...
i don't know what to do.
i do feel... alone.
but a desperate gropy someone...
get away.
sigh.
i'm remembering that lady in australia... when i was ringing about trying to find a t... she had a go at me for being upfront about my not having much to spend... then she backed up a bit. nobody will give you a chance if you say that right upfront. because they will think... you are... borderline.. manipulating.. boundary testing.. to see... i was like... being honest. to save heartache of not being able to work with someone who is good fit. could hear her heart sink. guess that's supposed to be the idea. sometimes accommodations can be found. because it is clear what is needed... you just can't... try and truly represent yourself to find them.
i don't know what i'm saying.
i don't have anyplace to go.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2014, at 17:19:16
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 27, 2014, at 17:31:47
well... it sorta did come to that. i passed. just. median and average was 51% and uq 65% so... meh...
hur.
guess my calculations did not go well... or my understanding. that latter bit (at least) is my own stupid fault for getting all side-tracked by the first issue... not putting in the couple days cramming that i should have. i'll get it back today... i think i'll sit the whole thing again just to see how much i cr*pp*d out due to time pressure / exam anxiety making me incoherant / error prone vs how much i really just... don't have any f*ck*ng idea. then go through the test, of course.
anyway... exam is worth 50% of the course so... time to focus on that. i have my new calculator now (for whatever that is worth). rather a lot, actually, with the display keeping my calculations so easy to pick out a previous result and plug it in for the next bit...
hurts a little. but... uh... respect. i think it probably is good for me. with respect to maximising my productivity between now and the end of the semester. cocky, i am not. don't know if any kind of an A is possible for me, now. Given labs... maybe i won't get entry to bio-med after all ahahahahaha. :(
if physics doesn't go well next semester...
health science, it will have to be.
at least i'll have gotten some practice confidence for organic. which, uh, was the main point. doing well in this maths stuff, uh, just woulda been a bonus.
do it i freaking will.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 29, 2014, at 15:57:30
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2014, at 17:19:16
so... i just sort of made a mess of it. in no particular order. or, actually, things deteriorated rather. totally messed up the last two sections, and sort of did alright on some of the earlier ones. so... fairly surprised but also fairly happy to see my moles and masses and concentration and dilution calculations turned out okay. all organic-like with arrows showing where the numbers go into the formula and get all substituted / processed along...
enthalpy / kinetics / equilibrium was a f*ck*ng mess. in grading... i've often found myself wondering how it is that sometimes you get kids who do so very much worse than chance. i mean, you can give them a bunch of true / false type questions and some of them just seem to have this knack for getting every single one of those wrong... well... i turned into that guy.
i just don't get it...
yet.
i see that. it will just take some time to... digest.
i've never found that before. that something needed more digesting than time allowed.
hur.
i suppose i did say to the science student centre people that i wanted to do this because it would be hard for me...
and i am learning all kinds of cool things that i've wondered about (a great deal) before... that i've tried to understand but couldn't find anything... of the right level, or something. the notion of a system. of an empirically discovered numerical constant. how much our... equations? the relationships? between physical magnitudes depends on our arbitrary units of measurement... i wanted a general gist of what higher level math was kinda sorta semi about...
i have a question. i could probably figure it out myself... but it would be hard for me... take an equation that describes the relationship between physical quantities... acceleration or whatever... we get told you have to use the right units - SI units or whatever... that otherwise the relationship (inverse, proportional or whatever) won't hold... your graph will go into a funny shape?? does this mean... there would be american laws? i mean... the laws that related american units of measurement... or quantities... picked out by those units of measurement... those laws... what do they look like? this is really freaking bothering me.
this is what happens when philosophers do science. ha.
i'm cautiously optimistic that things will come together in time for the exam. around 4 weeks... another week of content... hello log. i think i get you... or at least... calculator is being cooperative.
i am worried about my gpa... i am feeling... so very lucky for my living arrangements... again... afraid to lose. which is perhaps the appropriate attitude.
philosophy contacts / relationships slipping... my own fault. must make more of an effort... i do enjoy them. just need to... remember? that...
back to the website, too. i think perhaps that was helping more than i realize... heaps and heaps and heaps to do... the sections i struggled with in the test were the sections i hadn't done bestchoice for. and... i need to figure out the answer to questions like this: 'if a and b are inversely related and a is reduced by 1/3 what happens to b'? is the answer 'it triples'? there were a bunch of questions of that form. calculator... pointless.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 3, 2014, at 5:53:43
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 29, 2014, at 15:57:30
even if i ace the exam (and i don't suppose i will) i don't think i can get even an A- now. it was possible given labs... or... it was possible given one f*ck*d up test... but it isn't really possible given both.
and there it is.
what does it matter?
well...
i haven't learned how to actually do anything in labs. i never learned how to do a 'simple titration' and i bet we're expected to do 'simple titrations' next year, too, and i have no reason to suppose that i'll do any better at them then.
so... i suppose labs will similarly be a f*ck up next year.
i do have another appointment with disability tomorrow... i'm going to ask again about next semester. instead of being all... easy going... happy enough to be put off till next year... i can't have bio labs turning out like this next semester. it would be too... demoralizing. and i've seen their lab set-up and it is a bit unclear... but it seems possible that they are twice as crowded / have twice as many people in a single space...
as for the test...
part of it was about falling behind. then not being able to get caught up. i told them. about getting the powerpoints out in advance for pre-reading. chemical sciences has a policy that they won't. i can write to the dean... or not... whatever... point is: they didn't. i got behind. i couldn't get caught up.
and i only have one f*ck*ng class and most others have 4. which probably has a f*ck*ng lot to do with why half the f*ck*ng class actually failed that last test.
but i'm sure they know what they are doing... whatever it is they want to achieve...
biology has just changed their policy. something about... they thought it was best teaching practice to not make them available... but they've changed their minds. or some sh*t. anyway... point is... i'm not likely to get behind with biology. depending on how far in advance of the lectures they get out their powerpoints. ffs. people here seem... determined... to do everything in their power to have people be dumb and dumber...
anyway...
another part to it is... unfamiliarity. no little hooks. equations are novel for me. i don't know ways in which they can be arranged and rearranged to get different bits out given certain known values. if they are explicit about different equivalences then i can learn them... come to see / learn patterns... carry-over from one equation to another... but they aren't often good about being explicit. preferring to say 'students don't have appropriate math background and that is why they suck' instead of... just telling us what we need to know. and, uh, sometimes making things a little bit easier like 'oh hey why don't you get a calculator that can take care of x and y and z for you then you can spend your time focusing on the actual hard stuff over here...'
anyway...
thermodynamics. i'm stuck back there. different forms of energy are interconvertible... heat only exists as a flow of energy due to temperature difference. temperature is defined as what a measuring device has to say when its own temperature has equalized with surround... temperature just is average translational kinetic motion of the particles... it is intensive... doesn't matter how many particles there are... but heat is extensive... there is more heat coming out of a swimming pool than out of a recently boiled kettle... even though the water from the kettle will burn...
well... have a toke and think about that at 3am.
and think about it, i do. round and round. all... puzzled, like. but this is... just a very few lines right at the start. and it isn't supposed to be about any of that... it is supposed to be about... calculating enthalpy change. and i don't quite understand enthalpy yet... heat... and moles... but heat was dependent on amount already...
anyway... it just... takes time. to process. and practice. to calculate. and then practice with the way they set up the questions in the tests / exams which is a bit different from the practice questions. with them being... cumulative. so... taking you sequentially through a bigger... calculation process... so... need to remember to refer back to earlier calculated values and plug them in rather than... recalculating. every time. like i was doing when i was trying to learn the process. the whole f*ck*ng process. from memory. without prompting. because i thought that was what we were supposed to f*ck*ng do.
the exams are everything. the library has them. you can view them online with university login. for... all the courses. years and years and years of exams. i... uh... i'm pretty good at asking questions. philosophy has taught me to ask a good question. i can see how... if that question is fair game then there are a whole bunch of related ones which are also fair game and i can... use the exams really well to prepare. really very well indeed, i expect. so... i think... that is the way to do it, really. a lot of the questions do get repeated because there are only so many questions you can ask. it is more about there being masses of content and only so many hours in the day to learn it. at least... that's what i thought it was going to be like. that's what i thought it was supposed to be about. not this... not being able to do it because i didn't know that that was what was required. or... whatever.
anyway...
what does this mean?
i'll have to see how physics goes next semester. and how i do in this exam, of course. if i don't ace the exam... if physics doesn't consolidate / reinforce / extend appropriately... then i'll need to do health science next year instead of bio-med. which is... what people thought i'd have to do, i guess. but they didn't think it would be about labs... one year of listening to idealistic 18 year olds learn about the (official version of) the health system in nz... hearing them crap on about how they gonna save the world. oh joy. still... better that than hiding under the desk because i can't do a 'simple' titration.
?
f*ck knows.
then after that year... if med doesn't work out... i can transfer back to physiology... or take the physics hit if biochem turns out to be manageable / more like biosci. they are gonna do their ppt in advance, anyway. whereas chemical science is digging their heels in on making their students get behind and... stay that way. guess they like to fail half the class...
sigh. whatever...
i'm... feeling kicked, rather. can you tell?? 3 weeks till the exam... only 1 more lecture, i think. one more lab (shudder). i need to put in an 'effort' apparently... then a review session... then 3 weeks till the exam... to review concepts (not too bad, i don't think, got through 3/4 of the first section tonight) and organic and... brush up on moles and concentrations... and... get enthalpy sorted. hess' law. specific heat capacity and enthalpy of fusion and how much heat to get 20g of ice and 100g of water to 35 degrees and rates and... however many f*ck*ng variations of K there are. and something about solids being out but water is sometimes in and i don't f*ck*ng know... and Q. and temperature differences and pressure... and catalysts... then acids and bases and electrochemistry... f*ck...
it'll be ok.
whether i do or whether i don't looks like i'll probably make a b. so... what the f*ck ever. just learn what i can. for me.
Posted by Dr. Bob on June 4, 2014, at 0:00:11
In reply to Re: melting..., posted by alexandra_k on May 28, 2014, at 17:19:16
> i passed.
Congratulations!
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 4:49:17
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by Dr. Bob on June 4, 2014, at 0:00:11
thanks.
the disability meeting went well... i got an extra mark and a half for the test... because one of them was graded wrong (more generally)... realising that they are going to have to scale the exam grades significantly because they simply won't be allowed to fail that many people... which will have the effect of making labs worth proportionately even more than they are already / disadvantaging those who do better on exams / tests. b... the buffer... the sink that is impossible to get out of...
the meeting with disability went better than i thought it would. no promises, of course... but i felt heard, which is something, i guess. heard back from the autism people about GP reccommendations, too... was fairly surprised about that, actually. had come to expect to get no response / to get a cursory one... one of them works out of city mission... so... i might give that a try. i don't mind homeless people... having fairly much been one for however long... anyway... the disability guy expressed... empathy... about my negative experience with the health service on campus... so that helped me feel better, too. feel... less like a freak.
he reckons the counselling service is better... that i could meet with someone from there. not very often, of course. but... someone who i might connect with. who might be able to help. focused on academic stuff. so... i said i'd like to meet with them, yeah. in a couple months when they get back...
see if i can have some time to figure the microscopes, anyway... see if i can figure out the resolution on them... get them set to the right magnification... would be a load off my mind... if i could do that...
lab tomorrow... i've spent a couple hours doing what i can... doing what i can do in a couple hours... which is... a couple hours more than most people would spend. and i'll go along tomorrow and hand it in... and proceed to get 4/15 for it or whatever... while other people copy each other / copy overheard answers / get given the answers. but of course one can't speak of such things... there's nothing to be done... just leave it be. 6 test tubes, apparently. people fight over them when we need 2... 6 test tubes each... uh huh. for sure. labelling the test tubes... mmm hmm... whatever.
i... don't give a sh*t.
happy?
of course.
just how it is supposed to be.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 18:40:07
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 4:49:17
another failed lab...
and another.
i stood outside today and looked in on the ante-room. where people mill about before the lab... with the lockers. the room is pretty tiny. the lab coats are pretty heavy. the air con (if there even is some) isn't turned to very cool. i mean... i wear gym compression gear designed to mop up sweat and sweat i surely do wearing that lab coat. the room is tiny. you can smell the people. i swear.
i see now why i'm having a meltdown before i even get into the lab.
i do believe temple grandin designed more humane ways of leading cattle to their slaughter...
people are...
well... i speak... but i may as well be talking to my *ss, really.
i hate chemistry.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 23:40:23
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 18:40:07
so... uh... a job. part time. between now and the end of the year. a good job. f*ck*ng great job, actually. it's pretty much got my name on it. i mean... in the sense of people knowing people... and the topic... and... i'd love to. really. i'd love to be a part of it. it's a big deal. it would be. it deserves a Proper Application. several rounds of editors and reviewers even lol. it... well... i suppose it is possible that they might possibly have someone else in mind.. uh.. but i think not, actually. it couldn't really be any more perfect for me...
of course i'm not counting my chickens... but it is worth putting in an application. yes.
it would be very nice to... be part of things again.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 23:41:58
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 23:40:23
and they say i can work from home. which is good. which is also a Very Nice way of saying 'no, you don't get an office, f*ck off'. Office space is very scarce around here... heheheheh
Posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 1:57:03
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 4, 2014, at 23:41:58
actually... it didn't say that. it said the *possibility* to work from home. it also said between 15 and 40 hours per week... and that... it needed to be finished up by december... and took a stab at how many hours (because there will be a fixed budget of how much they have to spend on it).
so...
bigger f*ck*ng deal than i'd realized...
i... i'm going through an 'i hate myself' buzz... which i don't get very often anymore. my crush... it was actually for one of the chem lecturers. which is so... f*ck*ng typical... on my part. and is probably some sort of... confusion i have for love of learning and people actually giving a damn about what they are teaching and their getting excited about what they are teaching and my... loving that. and finding that in them... to be wonderful. anyway... clearly nothing at all would happen until the course is well and truly over. finalized grades and all... even though teaching slaves do most of that... and, really, there isn't any kind of problem with anything like that at all... except obviously he'd turn out to be married or gay or both or whatever... just that f*ck*ng happy to not have to deal with me anymore ahahahahaha.
only not such an ahahahahahaha. nothing sucks apparently... but pressure can turn people into jerks. and it turned me into a big f*ck*ng jerk. so... uh... push him away... for sure. yeah. i didn't mean to... or maybe part of me did. stabotage. accidental like. labs became... excruciating. i realized last time (for the very first time) the anteroom chamber... it's all over once i've stepped in there, really. over the course of the semster... bad turned worse... compounded... the lab situation has gotten all magnified up into a huge f*ck*ng unmanageable snowball of horrid...
horrid...
this job thing... which i probably won't get... could be a way back. in the sense that... if i do it... and i produce. appropriately. if i do something (in that limited timeframe with a clear deadline, with a clear project, with someone telling me what to do and my knowing already clear what the project is that i'm working on) then... something good may come (no WILL come) my way again. even if it is... phd. again. all over, i mean. i quit smoking... and i'm... capable of working. producing. playing ball as best i can on the whole social thing that i don't quite get... happy to follow direction / instruction - focus on these theorists over here... this recent work they've been up to here... i'm instructable. oh yes.
it's medical, too. they want... philospohy theory.... applications... for the health system. for making the health system better. philoosphy of science... it's... what i wanted. yeah. you don't hvae to go to medical school people kept saying. you don't have to. why do you want to? why you wanna do a stupid thing lik ethat for?
uh... hum... hrm... hrm... hrm...
i do believe. chemistry has spoken. not for you. me. and there it is.
it... it isn't good for me to get too attached to people, i think. but... i also think that i do need some kind of attachment... been thinking about that stuff i posted a link to a while back... gould... he was saying you have to do it for you because if you do it for the fame you then realize you are famous and you'd stop. but... that was weird... i thought. i thought... you do it for others because you want... them to be proud of you. for them to... delight in you. to find joy in what you did. that's why. and that's... not the kind of thing that you get and then you're good. that's... that's the working to the deadline then meeting it and then two days later refocusing on the next one... that's good for a lifetime... the attachment.. to drive it. and why i stopped producing... was... hopelessness. i honestly didn't know what to do... i honestly couldn't see any way of producing anything that my supervisor would think was halfway decent. even a not bad. nothing... i didn't see... and of course the answer was for me to get interested in his stuff first... but i'm an idiot...
anyway.. whatever... chemistry was all over really when we got that chick... and i couldn't follow what she was saying... and then she wouldn't give her powerpoints and her answers were full of typos and i just... felt... dead. dead inside. mostly. she'd light up when she saw someone following along anticipating... but that hardly happened because she didn't give her powerpoints so people could prepare so people could follow.. so... dead dead dead inside... and i'd look at the piles of work i needed to do and i'd just curl up and die a little inside. and...
and...
i never chose philospohy. not really. philospohy chose me. and maybe... that's just the way taht is. and philospohy has problems of course (significant ones) but i'm remembering what i've read about science's problems, too. about how undergrad... rewards social gregariousness and then grad school... turns out to be a lot different to what people thought it was going to be. those who would thrive in grad school... are cast aside as undergrads. passed over. you get people... newton and whoever... people doing crap at school. dropping out of uni, even. doing experiments at home. by themselves, one can only suppose. in the peace and f*ck*ng quiet.
but then... wittgenstein... hated academia... academic philosphy. some of that from my supervisor, even. with not being given a job because of university institutional crap... rather than individual productivity...
batteries. f*ck. how cool are they? work... flow of electrons. damn. that seems... very important. somehow. electric eels... wow... uh... how come we don't breed tanks of them and hook them up all matrix style?????
anyway... think of him, i will... while i learn q and k and try not to find too many typos in the world... it does help to think of the equation as a decimal rather than a partition... sense of why q or k is a number... and bigger or smaller depending on whether the numberator or denominator is bigger... a bigger or smaller number... decimal number... non-obviously so becuase of scientific notation... still recovering from lab... which turns me into a snappy judgemental bitch. you can have this back now thanks. i don't like the noise it makes. radiohead? or a poem an old friend wrote. the line haunts me always. people... feel that way about me? have to. i... i fall apart when people get too close. even if it is just in my mind. i... i can't do it. actually.. i.. can't. i'm broken like that somehow. i might think i want to sometimes... but i can't. and there it is. it is the searching... reaching... yearning... channel that. that's me. that's life. can be quite a good one. nice. pleasant. pretty suburbs on eithe rside... want to know something that's a secret? when you walk along them know what you DON"T hear... that makes them wonderful magical places where you can think and create and play????? you don't hear people coo and whistle and stomp. people swear. angry voices. you don't hear that. bliss... for me. i... hate that people have so much they can spend a small fortune on handmade this and that... but... it is pretty stuff. peaceful. crafted by happy people with care. what's the alternative? mass produced sh*t that everyone feels bad about?
?
?
:-(
:)
i'm cnfused.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 4:26:32
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 1:57:03
i think it was in the context of trauma... that i read something about how some people can function along fairly alright... but when their attachment system gets activated then they fall apart, rather. i think that is me. i fall apart when my attachment system gets activated. trouble is... without any activation at all... one falls apart in the sense of just wanting to curl up and die from lonliness. i think that is what that is. lonliness. that never occurred to me... but then, over the years, it might just be... it might just be... so... what's to be done? aside from keeping people at arms length, i mean. distance... regulators. built in somehow. like the internet. which works... mostly. but isn't foolproof, i've learned. maybe certain sorts of relationships are like that, too. ones where the person is otherwise attached or similarly unavailable... only i've never gone there. correction: i... developed better empathy for the affect that can have on other people. not fair to them.
i've developed this really bad habit... i picked it up from the gym in australia... i started to notice that people would sometimes talk to each other... only... it was fairly obvious if you listened to what they were saying... that they were really talking (indirectly) to me. i can't think of an example right now... i'm not being paranoid... it was just the first i became aware of that as a style of communication.
muttering to yourself is similar... under your breath, like. sometimes people do that, too. sometimes just... yakking to themself, i guess. othertimes... that indirect communication thing again.
well... i've taken it and really run with it. in the gym especially... e.g., when i feel crowded. i just start feeling really anxious. wound up. angry. because of the space invaders... start muttering under my breath... out loud... it is weird. crazy-like. crazy. i wish it would work to get people to go away. mostly it doesn't. sometimes it does. it does enough for me to have developed the habit of it, i guess.
so... emotionally expressive... reactive, really. it just emits from me... feels like. feels like an effort to inhibit it to keep it in check. tv brings it out pretty badly. an incessant commentary... see some guy jumping about 'guess he doesn't need arch support' see chairleaders at the cricket 'well i guess everyone needs a job, huh, thought that used to be a competitive sport'... standing... behind myself... just a little bit... incessant commentary... biting... critical... it goes away after some heavy training. deadlifts. oly bar and bumpers if i can get 'em. 60 minutes on the trainer...
starting to rely on the gym a lot... perhaps a bit too much... but anyway, that's me in class about now. a retort for everything. b*llsh*t is how i feel... b*llsh*t b*llsh*t b*llsh*t too much b*llsh*t... people saying things that isn't true... which isn't true... it is just true that i'm hurting. and i want it to stop. i want someone to fix it to make it stop yeah. but there isn't any. fixing it. stopping it. i don't think. i think it is a case of if x went away then y would only rise up and take its place. or maybe not. i get confused about that. people are only too happy to encourage me into the former...
i've got the masses offside... upset the odd apple. the williamson kids. the ones who escalate when they don't get anything from me. i just... can't. i just can't. like the little boy who pulls the hair of the girl to get her attention... i'm the girl who... pretends she doesn't notice... until... she snaps and kicks the living crap out of him. or not. of course. flailing limbs wildly. how else to say 'just leave me alone'. just ... leave me alone. i... don't know how to relate to you. i don't know how to relate to you in a genuine way. if i were your teacher i'd know how. if i were your peer i'd know how. if i were your mother i'd know how. but i'm not... i'm... just me. what's that? just... someone who doesn't like having her hair pulled. for reals. and you should... learn that that isn't nice. and quit it already. i can't...
just get it out of my head and focus for the exam. concepts. concepts don't pull my hair. jostle me. they don't even whistle stomp or click. they don't move about frantically in my line of sight. they don't demand... they just are there. just there. just the same as they always was... immutable as a barbell... more. that's what it was supposed to be about... remember that... i'm just... sad that i'm such a bitch. that i push people away. that i... can't. i just can't. even if... i want to. i don't work. i am broken :(
Posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 4:28:19
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 4:26:32
and it will be because we've just had the last class. so... it's over then. i'll be grieving for that.
i am such a f*ck*d up freak :(
so... if the opposite of love isn't hate... it's apathy...
how about the inverse of love? does hate... undo?
?
Posted by alexandra_k on June 10, 2014, at 2:08:06
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 6, 2014, at 4:28:19
lmfao.
wouldn't it be fun to solve the worlds energy problem? not that i quite know what that is... something about fusion... or whatever... i forget...
philosophy is just a hobby...
i mean, one can't open a philosophy factory.
ha.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 10, 2014, at 2:33:11
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 10, 2014, at 2:08:06
i suppose there isn't an 'energy problem' so much as 'we want energy to do x' and 'we want energy to do y' and so on... and not so much an energy solution as a cheaper / more productive alternative to whatever is the status quo...
meh.
killing no more people than wheetie puffs...
Posted by alexandra_k on June 12, 2014, at 4:01:43
In reply to Re: passing..., posted by alexandra_k on June 10, 2014, at 2:33:11
discovered a ballet trained fitness instructor today so, yay, suspect that is me. he does a bunch of stuff... abs classes: worthwhile. my abs don't work so well for all the sitting i do and lifting just sort of reinforces anterior pelvic tilt - though it is good for getting my *ss working - i use my spinal erectors and hip flexors rather more than i should...
he does some zumba, too, which can be fun for the balance / co-ordination aspect... and x-fit... maybe...
anyway... that is good. i've been needing something... relaxing like that. the mirrors in the gym... they wind me up a bit. the tv's do a bit, too. there is a room... with battling rope... tyre... climbing wall around the edges... sometimes i can freestyle in there a bit... i guess just generally... i go to the gym to move my body around as it needs to move which requires me to focus on it... and most people go to... impress others... and so... the gym... can be a bit hard for me, really. maybe it is about having an instructor who... gets it? that what it is about is training the muscles properly rather than about just how high you can get your leg, or whatever. that it is... better to do it properly than to cheat. cheating... ruins the aesthetic, rather. i don't know. that someone can tell? that someone has the... discipline? dedication? work ethic... to achieve something that is actually impressive precisely because it required all that hard work.
?
anyway... i'm sure i'll learn a lot... and have a bit of fun. perhaps it is that... i can just relax into making progress and let him worry about managing the inter-personal whatevers that other people will inevitably bring into the room...
chemistry... coming together. not sure what to say... putting in the work... lots of bits and pieces clicking into place. even the odd 'oh. it's that easy. not this complicated thing i was trying to do over here...' getting better at reading the names and putting together bits and pieces... oh... ethanoic acid, i remember that. oh, its a weak acid. oh it's water soluble because it's an acid / it's got a H bonded to an O... stuff is... starting to integrate in a pleasing way...
past tests are... the odd question it is like WFT!!! but still... i suppose that is only fair... that a few of the marks be like that... i guess... and i suppose the curriculum may have altered a bit over the years... hard to say how much parts of it are 'i freaking told you 100 times' questions... some of them are just... odd... weird. like... i really wouldn't know what to say except that i've read the model answers. like 'what is an orbital'. a region of space with a 90% chance of finding an electron. huh. define an 'atom'... lol... they did say to practice past test... not quite 100 times, but fairly close. so... make sure i can get the answers out to them fairly smoothly for sure... couple weeks to go...
:)
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 20:51:26
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 12, 2014, at 4:01:43
got an email from my advisor... about quitting, actually... that it's been a while since i've got him anything... that the field has moved on... etc...
good timing, actually. i need to apply for that job... if a publication could come of it... then maybe i could do a three paper option? i've got one paper already... even if the field has moved on that doesn't negate it. ? perhaps.
anyway... will deal with this after chemistry exam.
things are sort of coming together... still... i really hope i do well. really. really really really really. it means something to people. i don't know that people know that i have the capacity to work hard anymore. it will show them... if i can...
i fear... maybe medicine will not be for me. the labs thing. labs are basically... a big open plan workspace environment. and i am not particularly functional in that kind of a set-up. i struggle with it in the gym. i struggle with it in the library. i... can work with focused others around me... but when people get socializy tones to their voices and discussion is about other things... that isn't settling to me. it is disturbing.
and medical school will be... years (and years) of that, i suppose. years of practicing taking classmates blood pressures etc where what is helpful to settle them is joking about tv or whatever... whereas what is settling to me is... professionalism. and quiet.
i do think... that there are rather a lot more people like me than are prepared to admit to it... that people stress themselves out putting on a happy / social face because they think they have to. i do think... that i could be useful in offering a perspective from within... to help make the service a better place for people like me... for clients who value privacy. etc... but i don't see how someone like me can... get there. given the way things are.
and partly i get it... if there are cadaver dissections (don't even know if they are part of the curriculum anymore, actually) then only one or two can actually do that... the others will be standing around... yapping about this and that, most probably. i, uh, i don't know. i don't know what to say... either way... A's give... options. and less than those... take away. i think it might be possible to pull an A- if I do really (really really very) well in the exam (even then probably with a little help from scaling). If I get a B... well... it's all over, really. I... don't quite know what to say. I mean... I'll continue on, of course... But this was the course, really. I... Don't know what to say...
Actually... It is perhaps not that bad... But harder to make a case for my needing lab accommodations if a poor grade there doesn't stick out as an obvious anomaly...
Fortunately, I enjoy it. Things are... Hard. Tricky to understand. I haven't had that in a while... Putting in the thinking time... Still not quite getting it... Almost within reach but not quite. And the calculator becoming more automatic. Hard becoming... Easy. Really very. And having a... Very different conception of the way an aspect of the world works. A little model... An equation... A calculation... It's... Lovely, really. Nice and neat. Because we are first years ahaha.
My calculator doesn't have Int. Dammit. I think if I do physical chem next semester I need a new calculator already.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:10:14
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 20:51:26
well, I'd need 95% on the exam to get an A- for the course so... Unless they scale the crap out of it, I really can't see that happening. Time to put it aside and just focus on doing what I can... Just trying to come to terms with the disappointment so it won't hit me as hard. 'Well, what did you expect?' Will be what people will say. 'We told you so. See?'
Uh huh.
Labs... Not for me. Not good enough to take that hit.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:16:44
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:10:14
which is of course why i'll need to do physical chem next semester if i manage to get 80+ for the exam. to get labs properly sorted *before* next year.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:18:03
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:16:44
it wasn't supposed to be about the labs... it was supposed to be about the math.
labs are supposed to be so easy... they're supposed to be the free marks that bump up your grade.
uh huh.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:41:13
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:18:03
which, in a way, is a lot worse, really. i mean, turns out that there are areas of science that don't actually require all that much math (medicine being one of them). but there isn't an awful lot that doesn't require labs. unless it is heavy on the math, ha. oh, the irony. i guess it is a way of selecting for the happy social people... able to bubble along innocuously enough in the face of incomprehension... doing a little of what they are told... a lot of just following along... i guess that's an important skill, that. will get you through much of life. tis fairly... low maintenence, i suppose. or something. whatever it is... that i don't understand... can't do... almost by definition, really. oh yeah, that's why i get disability. huh.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 18, 2014, at 23:44:28
In reply to Re: abt, posted by alexandra_k on June 13, 2014, at 21:41:13
don't hit community mental health nurses. or they'll phone the police, you'll get handcuffed, you'll get to spend half the day down at the station being pat searched and dna'd and handprinted, and then you'll get to spend another half day next week only to be told you need to come back to court at a later date.
i don't think this country actually has any psychiatrists. just a bunch of people to shuffle you this way and that and discharge you when you start to see through that situation...
i said to the guy... i would have stopped hitting her (on the arm) if i'd have seen her flinch or... well... any sort of human response, really. but she didn't... and so... i just kept on hitting her. till i got tired and curled up into a little ball. then after some careful deliberation she was like... 'sound the alarm'. so the alarm got sounded...
i don't expect i'll come out with a record... but i shouldn't get cocky... camus... something something about appropriate attitude and i'm not sure i can entirely get into the spirit of it all...
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