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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 18, 2013, at 20:32:56
But too tired and depressed to act upon any thoughts. Depression has a built in life saver. It's called "don't give a sh*t."
This stupid sun keeps shining.
Cat is purring, why is she so happy all the time?
Husband has been in a bad mood since, oh, 2001.
I no longer consider myself responsible for any aspect. He is turning into his parents. Nature, nurture, he loves being unhappy? Not up to me to figure it out.
No doctors. Oh god no, no docs. Lies to his therapist for the short time he saw her.
I am spiritually on my own. I will make it.
Posted by Phillipa on October 18, 2013, at 22:53:38
In reply to BTW, I am in crisis, posted by Partlycloudy on October 18, 2013, at 20:32:56
I do relate. But here there is no sun so would to love to trade this aspect and ask for your warmer weather and give you mine. As for husbands? Same here according to him it's me but not true as daily I look for things to do and want to be happy. So are there any answers? I don't think so. Other than living on own. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 0:34:31
In reply to BTW, I am in crisis, posted by Partlycloudy on October 18, 2013, at 20:32:56
> Cat is purring, why is she so happy all the time?because she wuuuuuvs yooooou.
> Husband has been in a bad mood since, oh, 2001.
> I no longer consider myself responsible for any aspect. He is turning into his parents. Nature, nurture, he loves being unhappy? Not up to me to figure it out.some people like being grumpy. i think i am turning into one of them. is there anything you can do to make him laugh? can you poke fun at his grumpiness in a way that gets him laughing? people try this with me and they learn it does not work... but i've seen it work with some people...
you will make it.. we are here :-)
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 19, 2013, at 4:42:09
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 0:34:31
We had hit a marital wall several years ago. Counseling was helping, but when his therapist became gravely ill, he wouldn't follow through on the referrals to other Ts, saying they were just "wrapping things up" when she became ill.
Surgery, chemo, radiation, the incredible human will, and his original T is working again. Sent him a letter welcoming him back to the practice (only being sent to a few clients who needed work or things had not ended by any means). He threw it away, and told me 2 weeks later.
I am in this on my own. He needs no work, or help, or introspection. I am a sicker person for being with him.
Stuck.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 16:47:47
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis » alexandra_k, posted by Partlycloudy on October 19, 2013, at 4:42:09
maybe he was really affected by his therapists getting sick. i mean i don't know... but some people might have felt pretty abandoned at that point... then embarrassed about that... so all defensive 'didn't really need that / wasn't helping anyway'. i don't know.
did you tell him that you felt that your marriage was going better for the counseling?
i don't know... but it sounds like you do want your marriage to go better. what is his take on it? is he happy with it, with the way things are, or does he feel like things could be better between you both?
i don't know what your relationship is like... whether you tend to fight... whether you feel like he stonewalls you... i don't know...
but things were pretty bad before where you were starting to wonder whether you might in fact be better off without him. but then on your trip... you thought your trip would have been better with him there by your side. so... sounds like you DO want to work things out.
i can't imagine that he is feeling any happier about your relationship than you are... i wonder what he thinks might help?
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 19, 2013, at 18:33:24
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 16:47:47
He says that I am the problem. That my depression and my therapist, even, are against him. I am depressed just trying to explain what one of his adult children told me once. That he will never, ever, take emotional responsibility for how his actions or in actions affect those closest to him.
He's now estranged from 2 of those 3 children. The third is a priest, so I believe he puts his trust elsewhere in pursuing a relationship with his dad. He is utterly remote, yet hurtful in what he doesn't say. Passive aggressiveness taken to an extreme degree.
It hurts really badly. I don't think he gave any credence to the work he might have been doing in therapy. He never once mentioned it.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 18:44:29
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by Partlycloudy on October 19, 2013, at 18:33:24
> He says that I am the problem. That my depression and my therapist, even, are against him.
Well, that doesn't sound civil :-(
I guess he feels like people are against him. I wonder what sort of thing he might experience as being for him. I wonder why he is reluctant to see a therapist again... Maybe his last therapist wasn't validating enough? I... Would be freaked about my t getting sick like that, I have to say. I'm not entirely sure I would return after something like that. It can be really hard to find a therapist who helps one feel heard... I don't know.
I'm not trying to take sides here. I'm thinking about how you guys can be led to work TOGETHER to improve things for the both of you. Because it sounds like you both are unhappy. But you both value the relationship (or one or the other or both of you would have bailed). So...
> I am depressed just trying to explain what one of his adult children told me once. That he will never, ever, take emotional responsibility for how his actions or in actions affect those closest to him.
I... Don't think I could handle a 'confrontation' like that, either. I'm not sure that there is many people in the world who could...
Tell me to leave it be if you like... I'm not trying to take sides or anything... Just to try and help you see that you will have to give him some kind of a compromise or something... People need that... Ego... I'm sure he doesn't conceive of himself the way you conceive of him (at least sometimes). I mean... How could one live with oneself if that was the truth of it? What is he supposed to do? Pull himself up by his bootstraps? Take a verbal beating of why he's useless?
He sounds... Closed off...
I... I'm probably reading my own issues...
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 19, 2013, at 19:32:53
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 18:44:29
No, no, I need to talk this through. The timeline (if it helps) was that I'd asked for marriage counseling, because I felt I wasn't getting any support in my attempts at recovery in mental health. We interviewed a few therapists. The first one was so one-sided; that is, she identified with men overwhelmingly, that I felt I had to give her some feedback at how put off I had felt. This ruled her out as a couples counsellor; but she said she would take on my spouse individually, as he was neutral.
We went to see another therapist together. This one was a better fit and was happy my husband had someone lined up for individual treatment.
We showed (both of us) a lot of improvement during those sessions. We're more considerate of each other, more thoughtful of the challenges each other faced. Then his T was diagnosed with Stage 4 ovarian cancer, very grim. I asked if he was going to consider any of the referrals she'd given him. They had only seen each other a few months. He told me they were just about wrapping things up, and he was planning to terminate, since, as he said, he was "only doing this for" me.
Wow.
And all that had been learned and absorbed in couples treatment slowly fell away. I'm at the point where my T is recommending I spend extended time away from him. See a lawyer. Get my business in order. And leave.
He won't talk about it. I have tried scheduling time with him, being spontaneous in bringing it up sleeping down the hall in the guest room, going to my sister's to visit... He will not go to any more therapy because he is OK, and I am the problem.
I certainly am, by now. It's like having a roommate you really, really got on well with for a long time, and now he's a loud slob. And you are the problem. I can't begin to get through this without help.
We've been through harrowing years recently of his dad's decline and death. His mom lived a mile down the road for a year until he shipped her off to his brother on the west coast. (As in, here's the flight info. It's your turn.)
It has been awful. I can't imagine you could work through just that in a few months of therapy.Unless you didn't speak of them.
So, that's where I am, except we are doing an enormous renovation in the house, just came back from a holiday in Italy where I had a cold and dragged my *ss up and down Pompeii and Hercullaneum. I would have loved to roll down some of the bits, but it was rough going.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 20:00:38
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by Partlycloudy on October 19, 2013, at 19:32:53
Hmm...
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I could even live with another human being. I know a few couples where one works and lives in the northern hemisphere and the other works and lives in the southern hemisphere...
Then with teaching breaks for the different hemispheres etc etc they can spend up to 6 months of the year together... Or perhaps 3 months of the year co-located for conferences etc etc at different destinations around the world... Er... I always thought that that kind of set-up seemed ideal, actually. Gives you the opportunity to miss each other... And not get too worn out by the other persons disgustingness (everyone is a slob at heart, I think).
So...
So he does think that things were better... But he thinks things were better because of changes to you, rather than him. Whatever... Maybe that is the hook to get him to try again? He might feel like he has been burned a bit by past t...
He was dealing with a death then his T got really sick... Ouch.
> And all that had been learned and absorbed in couples treatment slowly fell away. I'm at the point where my T is recommending I spend extended time away from him. See a lawyer. Get my business in order. And leave.
Hmm. Well... That is directive...
Maybe it is time for the 'either we try this or I leave for a bit because something has got to change' speel.
You wanted him to walk beside you on your trip... I keep thinking of that... You do want him to be closer... I wonder if he FEELS that? If there is a way he can be... Is there anything you like to DO together. As in... Not talking, just some activity that you like to do. Guys tend to bond like that, I think... Or the renovations... Fixing up the house... Guys sometimes do stuff like that in an attempt to show they care...
Posted by Phillipa on October 19, 2013, at 21:05:01
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 20:00:38
I could have written this thread. Same here different people. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on October 20, 2013, at 5:38:18
In reply to Re: BTW, I am in crisis, posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2013, at 20:00:38
I know that whenever he travels for business, he calls me a lot, and says he wishes he was home.
When I go out of town, I limit my calls to him because the solitude is a real relief.
He is the person who says now, whenever I am having a bad day or am not functioning at a social level, that I need to see my doctor, and get my meds adjusted. I now wait a while, tell him I have consulted, and the doctor has advised me to not change anything so quickly (because that's what she would do). I know that my moods and emotional coping skills are on a sliding scale. They can be triggered into a downward spiral, but eventually, I come out of it.
He wants that instant gratification return that taking an Alice In Wonderland pill would give. They don't exist and he doesn't want to hear it any more; think of the change in mood a glass of wine induces. I don't do that any more.
I think the disruption in the house is affecting us in different ways. We are both impatient, but showing it in different, if unhealthy, ways.
Where is my rock to hide under? Probably in an unmarked box somewhere in this house.
This is the end of the thread.
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